A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,“Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. We have only canned and dry goods.” The next day, the duck returns. “Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.” On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?” “No.” “Got any fresh fruit?”
The difference between dogs and cats. A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!” A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer[43] says to his client. “What’s the bad news?” The lawyer says: “Your blood matches the DNA[44] found at the murder scene.[45]” “Dammit![46]” cries the client. “What’s the good news?” “Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”
