did, did you?’ She laughed — a bit louder than I could have wished in my frail state of health, but then she is always a woman who tends to bring plaster falling from the ceiling when amused. ‘Spink-Bottle, eh? Bless his heart! How was the old newt-fancier?’
premonition of an impending doom, however, cast a cloud on my serenity as I buzzed in. I was looking forward with bright anticipation to the coming reunion with this Dahlia — she, as I may have mentioned before, being my good and deserving aunt, not to be confused with Aunt Agatha, who eats broken bottles and wears barbed wire next to the skin.
It was not so very long since she had been speaking in high terms of blackmail and giving it her hearty approval, but if you want to derive real satisfaction from blackmail, you have to be at the right end of it.
‘And switching to another aspect of the affair, you haven’t any immediate plans for getting me out of this, I suppose?’
‘Not adequately formulated, sir. I am turning over an idea in my mind.’
‘Turn well, Jeeves. Spare no effort.’
I don’t think I have ever assisted at a ceremony which gave such universal pleasure to all concerned. The sheet didn’t split, which pleased Gussie. Nobody came to interrupt us, which pleased me. And when I dropped the suitcase, it hit Gussie on the head, which delighted Aunt Dahlia.
Spink-Bottle, you ghastly goggle-eyed piece of gorgonzola, will you hop it or will you not?’
‘Bertie,’ said Aunt Dahlia, ‘I am only a weak woman, but if you won’t tread on this insect and throw the remains outside, I shall have to see what I can do.
Since then, though few men have been more sorely tried by the sex, I have never raised a hand against a woman. And I can give no better indication of my emotions at this moment than by saying that, preux chekialier though I am, I came within the veriest toucher of hauling off and letting a revered aunt have it on the side of the head with a papier mache elephant — the only object on the mantelpiece which the fierce rush of life at Totleigh Towers had left still unbroken.
I ticked him off properly. I called him every name I could think of. In fact, I called him names that I hadn’t a notion I knew.
‘But I wanted to show it to Sir Watkyn. There’s a lot about him in it, too.’
‘We will not cause Sir Watkyn needless pain, Spode.’
‘Perhaps you’re right. Then I’ll be getting on with breaking this door down?’
‘Certainly not,’ I said sternly. ‘All you do is pop off.’
‘Pop off?’
‘Pop off. Leave me, Spode. I would be alone.’
