автордың кітабын онлайн тегін оқу The struggle between good and evil
Maxim Yurievich Mazhorin

Үзіндіні оқу

Подписка подключится сразу. Нажимая на кнопку, вы соглашаетесь с подключением и Условиями.

Кітап туралы Тегін фрагмент

Maxim Yurievich Mazhorin

The struggle between good and evil

Fonts by «ParaType»

Translator Maria Sergeevna Gubareva

GOOD or EVIL? This book tells the life story of a girl named Elena, who comes into the fight for the right to love and to be loved. Will she be able to overcome all difficulties, trials and temptations? Can she resist, because to win you need a very strong love?

The struggle between good and evil

Every minute a human fights for his survival. Every day a human is forced to do something for feeding, clothing, taking care of himself and his family members. But if a human stops and does not eat, drink, sew clothes, build a house, does not go to work, then he will just freeze to death or die of hunger and thirst. One lives in a village, other lives in a city, but both have to make an effort.

My name is Elena. I am 16 years old. My life is this very book which will be written throughout my life.

I was born with a dual nature, like all the other people. There is good and evil inside me. There are certain advantages, qualities and traits of character, as well as there are big and small drawbacks inside me. And what is more, with a mighty heave I want to find the truth, because I often look at the sky and feel someone’s love and attraction. But very often I feel heartfelt anger and resentment toward other people for unfair treatment to me.

I did not like the evil half of me at all. I had a touchy temper and I really hated when someone looked unkindly at me and said something contrary to me. When someone told me something offensive, I was very much offended, and could be angry at a person for weeks, and then I could just reject that person in my mind forever. And in this case my heart always said, “Get out of my sight and never appear in my life again! You are nobody for me. Do not ever call me or write to me! I do not want to know you anymore!!!”

I wanted to have someone to love me very much, but my parents could not give me the love that would soothe and satisfy me. My mother often told me: “Elena! Don’t we love you? Just look, how we take care of you. Father and I go to work to feed you and buy clothes to you, and you’re still not satisfied. A human should be happy with what he has! Is it clear, Elena?”

For several thousands of years many people in many countries have been dying of hunger, wars and epidemics. Recently I have been dying too, but I have not been dying because of these things, I have been dying because of hateful insults living inside me, as well as pride and the rest of the evil malware. I wanted to get rid of all this growing evil living inside me, but some people would not let me do it. I wanted to love and have inner peace and quiet, but again and again someone offended me, and then for a few days or even for months my interior filled with bitter grumpy proud to my oppressors.

In my thoughts I sawed in half each my abuser, beat him or her with a hammer, or just miscalled them in my mind. Hatred and resentment took me away from love, and I just did not want to live like that anymore. This evil had no limit. I could strongly offend everybody and say whatever I want in response. I could say absolutely hated insult to everyone. Of course, these little resentments helped me to shape not very good temper. There were no borders in my heart. Any rule or boundary began to irritate and annoy me, and I did not feel completely free. Soon I began to lash out at my mother with various scathing words and even composed whole scathing sentences towards her, which brought her to frenzy. My mother sat down on the bed, sighed heavily and took a glass of water with some drops with trembled hands. When my cries had gone too far and my mother’s words again and again turned me on, my heart began to experience the pleasure of a new feeling for me. I got some pleasure from the fact that my mother began to suffer. Seeing her suffering, I was turning into a real minor sadist and continued to add fuel to the fire. Then, without asking her forgiveness, I just went to bed quietly.

I could not stop the process that was going on inside me. A neighbor, who lived above us, once told me a few words, for which I became very angry with him. “Elena, why are you so rude with your mother?” he asked. But my heart hardened, and I said: “Do not poke your nose where it should not be! Who are you to teach me?” He replied in a calm manner: “I’ll pray for you, Elena”. But I whipped out a reply: “You do not need to pray for me. Pray for yourself!”

A little bit later there was no space for something good in my heart, and I felt like some evil spirit had settled in my head. Bad thoughts, anger, rage, resentment, screaming, desire for revenge, pride, irascibility, no abstinence, very bad mood and excessively pressing suspicious depression filled my heart to overflowing and obscured my mind.

My neighbor, who rebuked me, believed in God and several times talked to me about sins. He told me also that God is very merciful, but does not like sins. He said that God wants me to live properly that is without sins and with love, and told me to make it a rule to go to a church. This man once sat on a bench and read the Bible. His kind face and kind eyes, for some reason, irritated me very much. I felt some rejection to him, so, I did not like him terribly because of the fact that he had not a drop of evil in himself. It looked like he was not very cool. I did not love him because he pointed out how I should live. But still, when someone did something wrong to me, deep inside of my heart I imagined that I sit with him on the bench and feel his loving eyes and imagine how he console me when I feel bad. When I calmed down, the man began to irritate me again like no other.

Once I met him in the entrance and I said to him with anger: “Love does not exist. Why do you always take your bible with you and teach everybody how to live?! It would be better if you take the matter in hand!” He nodded, but did not answer. When I went to bed, some suspicious remorse used to came into my heart. As if some kind of mind said to me, regretting the incident: “Why did you hurt this good man?” Incriminating torments increased, and I decided to go to this man tomorrow and apologize. But when I woke up early in the morning I was shy to go to him and I thought: “Maybe it is not necessary to go, I just will not hurt him anymore.”

Good and evil fought inside me, and I did not understand what was going on. Hundreds of thousands different thoughts and desires lived inside me and dictated the opposite. It seemed that I could not be able to cope with it, since evil picture was drawn more detailed than the kind one. Even concerning my neighbor I have developed a wicked way of thinking, which told me: “Do you think that that person can be loved? Don’t you know that there is no man in the world whom you can trust, because perfect people do not exist actually? No one can be loved. All the people are very bad. It is just enough to offend some person, and he or she will show his or her real nature. Therefore, there is no good and love in the world …!” Millions of thoughts in my head tried to create a particular image in my mind. The first image was an ideal good man. But the second image instilled that I would wallow in evil forever, because evil is my close relative.

My evil mind told me: “Your neighbor is just an extremely boring character. Your girlfriends with evil minds are how much better. You will never be bored with them. Live as you live, without changes. Otherwise you may become like this unusual man who just reads his Bible and prays to his God. If you remember, you always agonized over rules and boundaries. Do you want to suffer from some rules and commandments of invisible God? After all, it is easy to become hysterical, irritated and angry with the people when they ill-use with you. You love evil which is your closest relative and friend. Why should you sit down on a bench to your neighbor, who is actually very boring? And if you offend him, what would he do then? He would just stand silently like not a real man. You have seen how humbly he swallowed your offense, not answering anything to you. Is it attractive? You should understand a very important thing. You should not humbly take offense. In the eyes of your friends and other people you will look like a nincompoop. Do you remember how your girlfriend attacked her verbal abuser with fists? Now nobody can say her anything. You should behave similarly till the end of your days, and you should know that all the people are very mean and no one can be loved. Just know it hard. You need to think only about yourself in this world. Man is a wolf to man, and not only the wolf, but the terrible wild animal.

Time rapidly passed by and every time I met him I still looked at my neighbor evilly and mumbled greetings to him with a malicious smile. Many people told me that I was bold and evil. But I did not understand them, because it seemed to me that I was a good girl, even despite the sensitive and vicious state of my heart. But for the other people it was obvious that periodically came out of my mouth.

Having lived like that for a few years, I got tired of all this inner evil and I hated all this evil and once again said to myself: “I cannot live like this anymore! I want only peace and good. I’m tired of suffering from the evil that lives inside me. My love should conquer and survive among all existing evil and start a new, pure, bright life, because evil never brings anything good. Evil brings the most terrible suffering to everyone. Evil has always been evil. I do not want to do any harm to anybody. I also do not want other people to do something evil to me. If a human learns the science of survival in this world, for me it’s time to master the science of love, and the science of evil will be left behind forever. I will fight for love! I really want to love and be loved!!! “After these words I began my journey to love. I joined the fight for the sake of love. But, of course, when all the evil forces of the universe found out about it, they started to fuss and tried to get me back into my former state, because now I like me much more than I was before. For several years I was the embodiment of their evil dream. But I must cope with evil and must win.

I really wanted to love. Many people I know were defeated in the battle for love. But can I win this battle?

What is there in the wish list of many people? There is everything that a human usually wants, namely: beautiful and expensive cars, money, houses, apartments, business, health, fame, beautiful face and body, a desire to go or not to go to work, a desire to go abroad, a desire of peace, a desire to have a child and many other different desires.

My friends once wrote for me about their desires on sheets of paper. Their wish lists had all the expected desires except the only one. None of them wrote about the desire to love other people, to accept and love them as they are. Some of them wrote that they want to be loved, appreciated and protected. But, unfortunately, no one wrote or said such words: “I do not want to hate all people or be indifferent to my children, husband, wife, father, mother, friends and all other people. On the contrary, I want to feel strong but tender and sweet love for them. I do not want them to love me without reciprocity. I want to love them very much, even if they do something bad to me or say something insulting. I want to have a constant, tender and strong love in my heart. I want to love all people very gently and strongly.”

But, alas, this was not written. Maybe my friends forgot about such a feeling as love. Or maybe they just do not need it. Or maybe they have never met with it before. Why is it so?

Very often people are simply ashamed of this most true holy love. Very often love is hampered by pride, hatred, resentment and irritation. Sometimes people come up with different reasons for loving nobody on the earth. And who can answer the question: “what is love”?

I remember the words of my friend, who told me once: “Yes, Elena! You’re right! We should love all the people, especially our close relatives. I realized that when I buried my mother. Then, standing at her coffin, I realized that I did not love her as I should have to do. I remembered all the offences that I caused. And I was very sorry. I wanted to erase all the pain and not to remember the mother’s tears because of my cruelty, stiffness, stupidity and because of my insulting words that constantly came to her like a bird that crashed slap-bang into the window. I would like to see her alive now, I would like to come to my mother and present her something, embrace her, apologize and say that I love her very much. But, unfortunately, you can neither turn the time back and nor correct anything. My brother also wept bitterly at the funeral, and afterward he remembered how much he had offended our mother. He paid attention to one incident when he brought our mother to an infraction, telling her one insulting word. After the funeral, he said: “Mom loved me, took care for me, raised, worried about me, and what have I done? I was rude to her constantly. I promised that I would not do like that, but the only things I gave her were insults, quarrels, anger and proud smirks. Forgive me, my mother!“He stood at her grave and asked for her forgiveness, but our mother did not hear him. For some reason, he could not ask forgiveness when our mother was alive, but standing at the grave, he cried and remembered all the pain that he had brought to her and greatly regretted about it. He regretted that he could not turn the time back to ask her forgiveness and say how much he loved her. After the funeral, he even changed for the better. But, of course, my brother does not hesitate to tell me the same offensive words that he told our mother. At the funeral I also remembered all the resentments that I inflicted to other people. I remembered how I offended my classmates, neighbors, random passers-by, colleagues, and also I remembered how I offended with various ridicule and different words the guests which came to us from another country, until one of their Asiatic brethren drove away a very evil dog that attacked my brother on the street. Only after that I calmed down a little. I used to think that I did the right thing, but now I realized that I was deeply mistaken. I lived my life improperly. My mother did not say about me: “What a lovely, kind, sweet, loving daughter.” Neither could I say about my mother. That’s how we lived our lives without love. It’s a great pity that I offended my mother.”

This is the story told to me by my old friend about her family. She told me that she and her brother regretted that they had offended their mother and had not told her how much they loved her. My friend told me that she insulted her mother the same way that her brother offended her. But in order to offend someone, you should first let in your heart some kind of malice and after that pour out the evil resentment to your near and dear. I do not know what kind of relationship she has with her husband, but I know that my friend, like her brother, has no love to people. Even while a conversation with me she switched to condemning her brother, exposing herself smarter than he. It would not hurt if she starts with herself. After all, if someone asks her about good and love, then what can she attach to her good report? Sinful words against her mother, slanting evil looks or something else? What will she attach to her life?

After the death of her mother she, of course, regretted that she could not give her that true love, but she continued to treat her brother and husband just as she treated her mother. She did not take any lessons from her mother’s funeral. Only for a few days my friend has been a little bit different. She shut her screaming mouth for a few days and reduced her tone to a minimum, because it’s not proper to swear and change the tone right after such an event as a funeral.

My old friend saw only flaws in her brother, in her husband, and in the people around her. She absolutely did not want to and did not know how to find and see the good in a person. Very soon she forgot about good deals that people have done for her, and always focused only on the worst things that lived in other people. To be honest, she lost interest in communicating with me, after I stopped listening to her evil gossips and speculations about other people. Once, on her wicked and hateful talk about our acquaintances I replied: “Well, why are you so harsh with them? Maybe it’s worth seeing them as good ones, and those things that you are talking about can be left in the past, and you will never touch them again. Maybe we will talk about something good?”

She did not expect at all to hear such words. She looked at me with her angry eyes and after a few minutes she went home, trying her best to show me how she did not like my words. Of course, this was not the only time when she behaved quite differently from what love demands. Sometimes it was possible to expect surprises from her which are worse. So, once again, when I met her, I just listened to how she blames her brother in everything, says that he does not know how to love his wife, how she says that her husband does not know how to love her, and how she calls all the people stupid and humiliated them. But if she knew how to love, her words and deeds regarding me, her brother, her husband, her mother and other people would be the opposite. It is not right to throw stones in other people when you live in a glass house. My friend needed love. She liked people who could show love for others. She liked people who had love in them. My friend was a double-minded person. She dreamed of love, but when someone insulted her, she began to curse the person who insulted her and was like the most evil person on earth. She was in this malign state, which intensified after every next insult she said, like me, some time ago.

After communicating with her, the image of evil thoughts told me: “This is a normal reaction to an insult. Many people can share this point of view with her. People insult and humiliate, and this is just your normal reaction. For example, her mother, just look at her and ask herself: ‘How can you ever love such mothers who offend their children with the sarcastic words and just unbearably irritate them with their grumbling?’ Their mother was not perfect, so they could not love her. Their mother was like your mother. She, like your mother, forced them to do something about the house and did not allow them much and interfered into their lives. So outbursts of anger and murmur are quite normal. How else to react to maternal injustice, grumble and endless breathing down your neck? And anyway, aren’t you interested in talking to this girl, who is called your friend, about other people? Don’t you feel how you wish to be sweetly exalted and condemn some friend or person you do not know angrily smirking at the same time? After all, this is the only enjoy for many people. And is there something else to please your soul?! It is impossible to eradicate this desire as well as to close your malicious outraged mouth forever in order not to insult anyone. It’s like trying to overcome gravitation by your own forces!!!”

But after a while the image of kind thoughts, like the voice of love, told me: “These are your own mothers who constantly take care about both of you.” Why should they be offended?! Remember how they did not sleep with you at nights, how they cared and protected you. They are your own beloved mothers. And with your love you can heal your friend. In your friend’s heart there is still a proud condemnation, discontent, anger instead of love, and at any conversation she always wishes to condemn someone and look brainy. But you should love her very much, heal her with your love and she will become completely different.”

Now I’m not married yet. But I yearn to meet a man who has love in himself. Our mistake is that we are not the first to show love but we expect it from others forgetting that by showing love we can heal people by our deed or word. Giving this love to another person we only awaken him from sleep and fill his heart with love. In recent years I’ve thought a lot about love, good, mercy and evil. I had thousands of questions that I would like to receive answers to. But two questions bothered me most. “Why can I love and then hate one and the same person? Why don’t many people want to love me first? “But if a lot of people do not want to love me first or do not want to love me the way I am, will I really suffer from it and inspire myself with hatred, anger, resentment or something else? If they influence me, it will not be love anymore. From whom should this love come when two people meet each other? If for example my future husband does not have this love in himself but only will do something to please me for a while of course, I will find out it immediately in a very short time. A person can say that he loves someone, you know. He can also suggest that other people should love each other but it is quite possible that he doesn’t have this love in himself, may not wish to acquire it for himself, may not have patience, humility and love but only a flurry of grievances, aching grudge, anger, pride and discontent. But if it is so, I will try to give him love anyway. After all, how many times I had to see how young couples without ending the squabble and on the contrary, adding fresh fuel to a quarrel, said insane things and then they simply regretted about it. I did not want to be like them. I needed love, and I wanted to have love in myself. But if, as I have already said several times before, someone said something insulting to me, then I like a balloon inflated by air filled with insulting hatred, covetousness and cruel anger. I clenched my fists and just imagined how I smothered my abuser. And again for several weeks I couldn’t cope with it. The evil mind told me: “How can you love people who abase you?! How can you?! They walk all over you and they are worth being hated with fierce hat red. They are worth being tormented and torn into pieces in your heart. When you are offended again you without any hesitation say to your heart: “Oh, they are not good! But now I’ll tell them in return!!! Now I will revenge them…". Insulted anger is always on the tip of one’s tongue. It wanted to hurt my nearest and dearest and did not want to spare anybody. A lot of people who saw me in this state said that I was a very wicked girl… I was especially angry with my neighbors who seemed to be different. But always after my spiteful words I tried somehow to justify myself telling everyone that I was simply very much offended, hurt, gone into personals and angered. But one day I finally realized that offence was not guilty for my attitude towards people, but I was guilty myself, because it was I who let out all the evil that lives in me.

When I multiplied violent speeches, multiplied condemnation and murmur my heart began to fill with anger and darkness. But how can we get out of the dark if in this life we are constantly offended, hated or simply rejected by someone?

How can we learn to love? Many people neglect this feeling and do not want to love or do not believe in love, saying that everyone is looking for only a profit in this life. Some people arrogantly make fun of the word “love” as several years ago I used to do. But after a few years, I grew up a bit, stopped joking with life and began to perceive reality adequately, where every word, every thought and deed determines who you really are, determine your future destiny in this and in the next life. So, I began my way to love.

There was one family living next door. It looked unremarkable, but it was for those who did not know them. I remember when they were not married yet, her current husband paid his addresses to my neighbor. After a while, they arranged a wedding, and I saw the joy and the love that shone on their faces. Natasha, that was her name, was very kind and good, and her kindness and sincerity set her apart from most girls. She found a kind word for each person and she was ready to provide the necessary assistance at any moment. She knew how to love and treat with mercy to people around her. But Natasha was not happy with her husband for a long time. She did not know what evil and what hatred were. Subsequently, all this evil originated in her husband. And all this gradually grown evil was imperceptible. He let it into his heart by himself. At first, I noticed that my friend’s husband had no love for his child. He almost never talked with his son. He only spoke to him occasionally so as to make the other people think that he was a loving father. He never looked cherishingly into the eyes of his son, never hugged him and never smiled to him. When I saw his son looking at his father with anticipation of holy love, my heart suffered. I realized that my mother, father and other people like this child expect only love from me. But every time I looked at my father, I also realized that it’s not easy and even hard to love some people. Many people languish for love, but they do not want to give up their sinful habits and deeds.

Once I saw from the window of my house how the father of this little child ran to his two-year-old son, grabbed him by the collar, lifted him up a little, squeezed his throat and gave him a spanking. The baby’s body flew from every father’s spank, almost a meter ahead and a little bit upward. I did not hear the cries of the baby, although my window was slightly ajar. He could not scream for one simple reason — his throat was squeezed. Only after his father blew up at his son, he was able to let him go. Baby fell to the ground and through tears and cough tried to catch his breath. I was shocked. Everything happened so quickly that I did not even have time to shout something out of the window. Or maybe I could not cry out something because my heart just caught a shock. I remember when I was bitten by a dog, and I could not move my foot, because a wave passed from my leg led to the numbness of the whole body. When the kid rose from the ground rapidly breathing and chocking with tears, he ran to his father and hugged him. But his dad just pretended that he was pitiful to his son. The little boy had no one else to run after love and cure the physical pain, so he ran to his father to be pitied.

In a few seconds I realized why my cheerful neighbor had not been shining brightly with joy for the last few years. I thought that there was another reason. I thought that she had become a serious, caring, silent married woman, but I was wrong. Her marriage turned into a very intense suffering and experience. A couple of minutes later I ran out into the yard and approaching this man, said: “What are you doing, you almost strangled your son! Are you able to beat your children?!” When I said this, tears flowed from my eyes and my hands trembled violently. His son looked back at me and tried to hide from me somewhere deeper into father’s arms, thinking that now I would strangle and beat his father. He loved father very much and he wanted him to be pitied. But his father was only angry and annoyed.

His father answered: “I told him not to play near the puddle! And generally, what do you need? Who are you? This is my son, and I will deal with him by myself! And don’t poke your way into my business. Do not teach me how to live.”

There was no love for people in this man. His son just fell into a puddle, and the evil father nearly killed his son for it. If I continued bicker fest with him and would say: “You squeezed your son’s throat and he had nothing to breathe, you could kill him, he hardly breathed, and still stammers very much,” I hardly could hear an excuse in response, because there was no love and intelligence in the eyes of this man, but there was some kind of discontent and anger. He did not know what an apology and forgiveness were. He could not do it. Therefore, I went to my home with great sadness, pity and love for this child and his mother. Looking on the behavior of his son I realized that this beating was not at all like cultivation of personality and it was not for the first time as well.

In the evening I told this to the baby’s mother. I heard in response: “Thank you.” Afterwards the door was closed right in front of my face. Her husband was sick with anger, great irritation, hatred, psychosis, heart blindness and frivolity. When I looked into his eyes, I was very scared for a few seconds. I understood that this false and unacceptable “cultivation of personality” happened not for the first time. Natalia knew about father’s attitude to the child, and because of this she had a constant depressed state. The further history of this family is not known to me, since after a while my family and I left this small suburb and moved to a big city.

The evil mind constantly told me: “Look at this father and all the men and understand that they were always the same. Men are not like you. Here is the best example of an insane father. Although your father is much worse than the one who suffocates his children. He, like your father, just never had a mind. After all, it is not necessary to be a genius to think that a little child does not have an iron neck. All men always lacked of mind. They do not know how to get into problems like women. And all the women themselves are just like some zombies, who always regret someone and love immensely, but as soon as somebody steps on toes, they are ready just to eat their offender. So it is not necessary to love people who just do not deserve to be loved. Loving people is a bad idea. This is the real torture…”

All these thoughts are just one of a thousand images of the evil thoughts that dwell in my head. But it is not only these false ideas that do not have logic, which try to deprive me of love, but hatred, pride, resentment, suspiciousness, fears, inexperience, stupidity and many other things, fight against me. But I know that people regret that they hated their near and dear people and strangers, and also regret that they did something evil to them. But if a person regrets about all that bad things, then why should we speak or do something bad throughout our life? Sooner or later every evil word, every evil glance, every rejection, every evil feeling and thought comes back to one’s memory. People regret that they did not love their near and dear. The logic is simple: you must renounce all evil and stick only to the good.

I know that some people who have lost their loved ones are ashamed of the people present at the funeral because they were completely wrong with their loved ones. But such a person hopes that other people will not understand this shame or will think that he loved his near and dear. People can feel this shame only for a few hours. Someone can regret about it for a few weeks, someone may suffer for several months or years, but someone can say: “I do not regret at all because I loved my near and dear very much and never offended him. I’m happy that I gave him only strong love. I’m happy with love. It is truth and light. Man left us rich and full of our love. He was really happy.”

It is also surprising that some people can feel shame or embarrassment for all their lives not for lack of love, but vice versa for love. Such a man boasts with everything but not with love. Such a person says: “Look, I’m so smart, strong, beautiful, rich and so on.” But you will not hear from such a person such words as: “I am happy that I love. Look! I can teach you how to love! My life is filled with love! I love and I’m happy!!! “But some people, for some reason, never said such words in their lives neither aloud, nor deep inside in their hearts.

Of course, not all people live their lives without love. There are people who understand what life and love is, and what life is for love and vice versa. But indifference, anger, selfishness, resentment, curses and insults, rage, irritation, psychosis and much more unnecessary evil change take place in a person who does not have love inside. All this evil is struggling to supersede love, which is the basis of everything that exists around.

Many people, including that very friend of mine, want to turn back time to correct what was done or said, and also want to do something they have never did before. They also want a person to come to life even for a minute, to say how much they love him.

But lost time is never found again, so it is needed to love constantly. A person who has a desire to love has every chance to give this love to other people, since life is not some kind of joke. If someone thinks that it’s possible to joke with life, then he is very deeply mistaken. There is no place for frivolity in life.

If you take someone’s life and stretch it, for example, for sixty years, then by what formula would each person live this life? Someone’s formula for life can look like this: “Pride + anger + insulting humiliating words + irritation + quarrels + cries + slander + deception + curses + violence + revenge + unforgiveness + insolent ridicule + lies for benefits + the rest multiple madness = a bad and unloving person. “And only the last few minutes of this formula people can give to that very love that they probably never knew before. Such people regret that they spent their entire lives without love and did not like other people. Why did a man who had been living for sixty years never think about love? Maybe someone would like to love, but simply ashamed of this love and could not just look cherishingly in somebody’s eyes or could not move beyond his pride, waiting for the first step from the other person. But where does the embarrassment or pride go when a gravely ill person, dying in his bed, does not hesitate to say to his children and his wife such words: “Forgive me for being so mean to you. I love you very much.” Where does the shame and pride of man disappear? But if a person simply loved other people, he would simply endlessly enjoy his love which comes from his heart. And of course this love would be enjoyed by all the people around him! The question arises: “Who creates a love formula that does not have love?” Of course, it is created by the person himself. But an intelligent person does not create a formula of evil and does not yield to it. A clever person creates a formula with love.

Evil and stupidity go together, just like love and mind always hold hands and do not let each other go even for a second.

Many people want to have this love and peace. And such people can deprive themselves and other people of love because of the simple fear of getting reproach or ridicule. Or they just close this love in themselves because of fear of being inflicted by other people, any violence or humiliating proud offenses. Or a person is simply afraid that he will be called a kind handicraft teacher from a good children’s fairy tale, and they will not respect him for his good deeds, merciful love and a kind heart. And how can it look like? Just like that:

A friend of mine married a former prisoner. His problem was that he ceased to open his heart to people and stopped talking and smiling with others. He simply closed his heart and turned-on some kind of protection, because of what he saw and tested on him before. I asked him: “Why do you always walk with an angry face and don’t smile to people, don’t greet them with love? When you get to know a new person, it seems that you see an enemy soldier in him/her. You try to find out and finally find only bad qualities in him/her, and then you stand and chew over all of the evil human psychology and nature. And you are not an angry or irritable person, but there is just a frightening mask on your face!” Of course my question alerted him and forced him to shrink into himself. He did not answer my question, because his slanting arrogant proud look gave me an answer instead of him. The following thoughts ran through his head: “What do you know and what do you see?” There was nothing more in his head, because he could not have any more thoughts. He did not answer my question. He was worried if he tells us the reason for putting an angry mask on his face, then we can see his kindness and jump on him like on a donkey and use his kindness and we will rant: “It is prohibited to be kind in this world. Man is a wolf to man.”

He thought that kindness was a shame. He thought that good is a weakness. He thought that his wife and I would inflict evil blows to his kind soul. His gaze was similar to a security guard’s one, and there was written on his face: “Do not come to me and do not say or do anything to me, otherwise you might be as good as dead.” One day he told our young company the following: “People are like dogs! When you show pity and good to them, they grow insolent and walk over, regarding pity and good as weakness. So in my world there is no place for good or pity. Yes! Yes! Like dogs! The first who will restrain the others is the leader! Yes! And here’s another thing! You guys leave your friendly hugs! I embrace only girls! Here is my territory! Keep away from me at arm’s length!”

The environment in which he grew up, as well as many years of imprisonment still took their toll. He did not have the core of love inside, mind and inner strength, so he broke down mentally. His love was hacked. It was beaten many times, and it could not stand these blows. Of course, his love had to be like a concrete wall, and not be like a blotter. But before he got to prison he did not have this concrete wall, because making a robbery attack on another person, he did not even have a blotter. He absolutely did not care what could happen to the person he gave a thump on the head and from whom he picked out his bag and purse..

His wife told me that he could not confide in her. He worries that she will strike at his weak spots, as people in his former country did, and how people who were with him in places of detention did. Therefore, when he went out into the street, he frowned and gave an imitation of an evil animal’s frightening look. But imitating an angry frightening look, he only hurt everyone around him, carrying evil in his eyes, and was also tired of playing this evil role. But the actors who play the villains and show that evil is always wrong, that evil always loses and is unacceptable in the life of every person, they get paid and bring the money to their family, pleasing their relatives with love and prosperity. But the evil deterrent and killing love glance does not bring money, sense, goodness, and love in the real life. Evil disfigures a person and deprives him of pleasure and enjoyment from pure love. But it is interesting to note that he did not have good friends. All his friends were evil. I do not even want to remember the day when he introduced us to some of his friends. It was strange that he unclosed to his friends and trusted them more than us and all other kind people. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Perhaps, his words which were said once have no explanation too: “I’ve seen a lot in this life, you’ll never understand this”. When he pronounced these words, he felt like some kind of cool person who saw and felt something that others never even felt before. Probably, the person to whom he gave a thump on the head while committing a robbery attack also now tells how he was robbed and tells his friends that they did not even dream about it.

I remember how my brother was bitten by a dog, and he told all his friends how tough he was. He told his friends that they would never have sustained such a dog attack and could not have fought with it. With these words he only discombobulated and offended his friends, just as my friend’s husband had already offended me with his gaze by my now quondam friend. Why quondam? Just because I could not continue to communicate with them. After communicating with them I degenerated and felt grayness, emptiness and disgust towards their company inside me. Laughter over immorality, booze, rudeness and all the rest madness was alien to me. Our roads had to disperse urgently. But if a person has not been bitten by a dog, if a person has not serve in the army, if a person has not serve time in jail, if a person has never been at war and collect his guts near a burning tank, then such a person would not be the coolest? Of course not! It’s like stupidity! I somehow asked this comrade: “And should not my brother be imprisoned to make you respect him and should I be imprisoned with him?” When he heard this question, he did not answer for a few seconds, because he knew that I was a very smart girl. He knew that if he answered as he thought, then he would just look stupid. Therefore, he was ashamed to answer the question correctly, because he wanted to think quite differently, as he actually thought. After that, he did not want to communicate with me at all. Of course, he does not want to communicate with me. After all, I give people the mind and love, while he gives the wish to other guys to stay in prison and become cool. When the conversation came about the prison, he proudly replied: “I’ve been there and I know what it is. You will never understand it.” He deliberately exposed his hands with tattoo and told inwardly, lighting a cigarette: “I’m cool, because I was there”. My brother also told me repeatedly: “I hung on the balcony and jumped off the second floor. You will never repeat what I‘ve done.”

The comrade of my ex-friend understood in his mind that he told people bad things. He understood that from his words people might have a desire to follow in his footsteps, understood that many of them would want to make tattoos and many would want to learn jargon, but still said this because he wanted to distinguish himself and feel good. When young very beautiful and attractive girls said about him: “Look what a tough guy,” then the next day this fellow would show all his tattoos and tell what each of them means. These girls liked this and, the next day, he no longer hesitated to hide his tattoos, but on the contrary, he set them forth. But was it right? I do not think so at all. Is criminal and prison life romantic? No, it isn’t. It’s a big mistake of real life. And it isn’t worth to play in jail, as there is a probability that the entire saint can hide inside, and an evil and proud look, a smoking cigarette, a demonstration of tattoos and so on will be at the level of high flying birds.

When I get married, my husband will not regret that he married me, and will not live without love. I won’t remind him about his weak points and will always love him. Honestly speaking, the relationship between people is the most difficult relationship in the world. But when the basis of relations consists of pure love and mind, then there are no difficulties at all. There is only pleasure from the mind and love. But not only simple love should be inside a person. There should be a patient and humble love. One person asked me: “And where is the patience?” I answered: “And what do you need to love people?” He, having understood, answered: “Patience.”

Every person wants to see only ideal people around him. But if a person sees imperfection in another man, will he really consider him a fool? Will he laugh and tease him? Of course, it’s impermissible. Without showing patience to such people we just destroy love itself. Almost every day my little brother made some mistakes. But I didn’t hurry to be angry with him and humiliate him for it. On the contrary, with patience and with love I tried to show him his mistakes, and teach to what misdemeanors and sins can lead to. Although our father constantly got angry when he heard the word “sin”, I still told my brother that all evil is a sin. Anger, irritation and psychosis offend a person, but love shows mistakes and set on the right path with pleasure. Love teaches, prompts and helps.

What is the basis of child-rearing? Of course, patience and love! I have always admired and surprised with people who work as educators and teachers. How much patience do all these teachers need? But still, some of them are surprised when they are asked a question about patience. Such people answer: “Oh, what patience can you talk about?” I like to play with the kids and teach them, as well as for to spend time with them! Just look, how they pull their hands toward you and look at you with their loving eyes. So, why do you ask about patience?” But some people get panic and even feel irritation, anger and displeasure, when they see small children, schoolchildren or students. Such people often make an angry face before children and schoolchildren and begin to grumble. Such people are lack of patience and love. But children do not like angry and grumpy people; they start to fear them and try to avoid them, as well as many other people do. That’s how my future husband will avoid me if I get angry, grumble, and do not get patience and love. When he comes home from work, he stays at the door in front of the entrance to the yard, and then at the door in front of the house, delaying the time, because he is not pleased with my presence. In this situation, two people can suffer at once. My husband suffers and I suffer from the fact that anger, psychosis, resentment and quarrels can live within me instead of gentle, merciful, healing, attracting love and joy. Or maybe he will slowly walk down the street from work to home, because the rustle of the leaves will be much quieter than the grumbling and screams of his spiteful wife? But why do some wives behave this way? The answer, I think, is very simple. A person simply does not have a strong core of patience, humility, kindness, mercy, God’s love inside.

Now I will tell you a few more stories about my friends, and then I will tell you my story. I’ll start a story about one of my friends who married a good guy. They had good relationships before the wedding. But the only one thing worried me very much. She always said such words to me: “My Vitalik is a very nice guy, he is kind, understanding, adequate, purposeful, promising.” She always dreamed of big money and constantly talked about it. Any topic of conversation tended after a while to expensive cars, millions of dollars and to big houses. When Vitaliy could not give her all this, quarrels and scandals appeared in their house. I was sorry for him, because I knew who Vitaliy was and who my friend was. Then she called him and asked: “How are you, what about your relationships with Natalia?” He answered: “You know, I do not really care, I do not even want to talk about it.” I did not know her nature before, and why I had not notice it previously”?

Natalia was mainly focused only on wealth. She was angry, psychotic and always told Vitalik: “Look! Enough time has passed by, and we have not grown rich with you!”

I can’t say that they were lack of something; on the contrary, they had everything. They had their own house, car, children, health, work and parents, who constantly helped them. Many people in general do not have any of the above and they keep on loving. They do not curse or humiliate their husbands, because they cannot buy an expensive car or anything else. I call this phenomenon “love for material things”. But if this is what all people on earth do, then when they are in a desert, why will they love each other? In fact, besides underwear and water, they will have nothing. I am very surprised with some girls who are constantly not happy with something. They are dissatisfied with the salaries of their husbands, unhappy that their husbands have not given them flowers for a long time, dissatisfied with their appearances, and so on. But I also wanted a car and my house when I did not have them. But I never threw scandals to my parents and did not beg for anything. But Natalia, unfortunately, did not have the love, mercy, patience and did not learn to be satisfied. She saw nothing and nobody around her, because of this unnecessary money. Why unnecessary? Just because they would only harm Natalia, and would also harm other people. Natalia did not like Vitaliy, she saw only one perspective and a bag of money in him. With her screams and scandals she brought Vitaly’s mother to a heart attack, who was then taken to the hospital. Vitaliy’s father said: “It’s necessary to experience something personally to grow up and get wiser to Natalia. She probably needs to see how other people live. She needs to go through the fire and water. “Then he laughed and said: “I once read a story about one slaveholder who was left to watch over the slaves building a beautiful house.

This slave-owner had neither intelligence nor experience, and he also disliked his workers. He did not manage to build this house. All his slaves fell ill and died. He shouted at them, cursed and hurried them, increased the time of their work in half, forgetting to feed them and give water. He was surprised why he did not manage to build this beautiful house. This slave-owner was a dummy, like your Natalia, spoiled, empty and unable to appreciate people and life. By the way, my children, do you know what the sin of covetousness is? “Vitalik and I answered:" No, we do not know! “Then the father said:" Covetousness is the state when a person leaves love and makes sin because of money. Because of money a person is ready to deceive, scandal, be angry, irritated, hysterical and humiliated, and he is also ready to organize criminal groups and communities by killing, plundering and blackmailing people.”

Poor Vitalik and poor Natalia! I had absolutely no anger at my girlfriend, nor had any members of her family. We were just very sorry for her. There was much good inside her. She was hospitable and never wanted evil to anybody. But this desire to have a lot of money, just eat her from the inside and lead only to bad consequences and an endless psychosis, because of which Vitaliy’s mother also got to the hospital. When Natalia found out about this, her hands trembled, and she was attacked by fear. She realized all the seriousness of her behavior in a second.

Her life flashed before her eyes. Plus, she remembered one photo, where Vitalik hugs her mother, and also remembered the inscription under this photograph “we love each other.” After that Natalia felt depressed and she cried bitterly. A few minutes later she called Vitalik and said in a tearful voice: “Forgive me, please, for my behavior; I will never do this again. I will not be what I was before. Tell me that your mother will recover. I love you. Forgive me that I was so stupid and did not respect you and your family.” Of course, she did not ask forgiveness from him for the fact that she did not like him, because it would disappoint Vitalik very much. So it was easier to say that she was stupid and did not respect him. Because if she asked forgiveness for not loving, then it would make it clear that she did not love him! And then she would look like a cunning liar, because she always answered to his “I love you” “I love you too, dear!”

Another friend, whose name was Victor, was set out to war in one of the flash points. He wrote that if he was killed, then let his letter be kept for his son, whom he did not pay attention to. When his son called him to play, Victor repelled him and found all sorts of different reasons to avoid spending time with his son and his wife. He gave his child a miss and irritated that he did not allow him to watch movies and interfered with other things, asking him to play with his son. He wrote that he could never forget the moment when he was digging the earth with a spade, and his son, coming from behind, began to pull father’s spade toward himself to help him to dig the earth. But Victor, turning around, pushed his son away, who then fell to the ground. Victor looked at his son lying on the ground and said: “What are you trying to do, do not bother!” Victor could not imagine that this would be seen from the window by his wife. When Victor and his son came home, he embraced his son and looked into his wife’s eyes and said: “We had a very great time together.” But at that moment his son became very sad.

Victor wrote a lot about the fact that love is much appreciated at war. Once a soldier said, wiping away his tears: “Everything turns out strangely, at home I was constantly offended and was angry with my family and other people, and now I’m crying and regretting it, I’m ready to hug them all day long and ask them for forgiveness for all resentment! I am ready to tell them every day that I love them!”

The soldiers ran for letters faster than to the chow hall. Many of them said that they are ready to sacrifice much to touch their loved ones and relatives, to their mothers, wives and children. In his letter Victor said that at first it was not customary and it was embarrassing to cry at war. But then, almost everyone cried there.

When the bullets whistled over Victor’s head and he saw his comrades-in-arms fall dead, and others writhing with unbearable pain, he remembered how he ignored his family and thought only about his son and wife at that moment, imagining how they were walking together and enjoy every precious second. Victor had never returned from the war, only memory remained from him, and the only things that remained after him were the letters that he sent to his relatives.

My other friends Vadik and Alyona were happy that they found each other. Every year they went to vacation by the seaside. They took a car, packed their bags and put off on a journey. They loved traveling; especially they liked to drive on night roads. Once, when they were traveling to the sea and had already driven half of their way, another car appeared on a contra-flow lane. There was a serious car accident. They both survived. Alyona got less serious injuries. She had broken both legs, her right hand, four ribs and she got a serious head injury. As for Vadik, he got a spinal fracture. He was forever chained to a wheelchair. When Alyona recovered, she left Vadik for another person. Her love was not true. But at the time of marriage, standing near her sweetheart, she promised to love her husband both in health and in illness. It is evident that for her it was just words. If she really loved her husband, she would never leave him. Because love has no timeframes and tolerates absolutely everything.

Another friend of mine, whose name is Angelina, married a very handsome and a very rich guy. This guy was glad that he got such a companion of life. But his mother could not say the same about her. She did not like the choice of her son. And she did not want to see this girl near her son. His mother had two girls in mind who would be perfect for her son as she thought, and who would not mind marrying him. And she would be happy to marry her son with one of them! His mother was a friend of those girls’ parents. His mother said: “Rich, handsome, intelligent, and married a simple girl from the village, I cannot believe it!”

One day it happened that his mother was very ill. She was diagnosed with cancer. As a result, she withstanded several surgeries, and she needed care. Her rich friends rarely called her and practically did not visit their seriously ill friend. They simply wrote her off in their minds, what could not have been said about Angelina. The sick woman did not like it when she came home and began to help her with household chores. She could not huff her out of the house, because she loved and respected her son and understood that she was his wife.

She simply did not have the strength to say something against it and show her dissatisfaction. But time passed. Angelina and her sick mother-in-law were getting closer and closer to each other. The lady found out that one of the girls she recommended to her son became a drug addict, and the other, having taken all her money from her husband, left him. When she found out about this, she walked on her weak legs to the kitchen where Angelina was cooking, and asked: “Angelina, do you really love my son?” Angelina answered: “I really love your son very much, as well as you!” The sick woman answered:" You know Angelina, we are very rich and respected people, but at the same time we are poor! We do not have what you have. We do not have love. We have everything except love. I am glad that you are the wife of my only son, and I ask God to give you a lot of children and let them please you and remember your grandmother who understood much thanks to their mother. Forgive me, please, Angelina, I cannot express in words my guilt towards you. Forgive me! If you cannot erase all my insults from memory, then at least tell me, please, that from this moment we will be best friends. And just say that you forgive me! Hearing this, I will feel much better.” Angelina, hearing this, happily replied: “I forgive you with pleasure, and now we are best friends.”

Tears began to drop down from the eyes of a sick rich woman’s, and she went, snapping along the corridor, to her room. A few months later she died. The last few months of her life this woman talked only with Angelina, who did not leave her even for a minute. The sick woman did not want to see anyone at home. When she said something to Angelina, she had never been in a pique with her weak spots. On the contrary, she received only healing for her inner world from Angelina. Before the lady died, she said to her son and Angelina: “Be happy and never offend each other. Forget the word ‘I’, now there’s only ‘YOU’! Love each other very much. Whatever happens, keep on loving!”

That’s how the lives of people with whom I communicated and made friends have come about. Last time I also thought about one person, namely about my classmate, who moved to another city, when we all studied in primary classes.

Once at school time I saw that the guys from our class goofed on one of our classmates. They shut him in a closet and did not release him for several minutes. The only boy who did not take part in that heartless madness was the same boy, whom I remembered a few days ago. He approached the boys from our class and said: “Why are you doing this? After all, he really feels unpleasant and he is very offended, so, you’d better be pitiful to him, because he has a mother who loves him and doesn’t want you to shut him in the closet and mock him.”

I then thought, is this wonderful, pure, merciful and true love really lives only in one boy from our class? This boy was different from the rest guys. He studied well, never offended anyone, had a good memory, always greeted everyone and righted the oppressed. He was the only of the kind. His gaze differed from the ones of the rest guys. His gaze combined: love, mercy, pity, compassion, romance, meditation, boldness, subtle psychology, sacrifice for the sake of society and a will to justice. I know nothing more about his fate, since after the third class he moved with his family to another city. At school, I’ve never made a pal of with him. But I do not know why. Perhaps, this is not possible to explain. I just remembered about this boy. Why did I remember him? I do not know! Maybe it’s love! Or maybe it’s naive and funny! I’ll try to find him in social networks. If he is not there, then I’ll try to find him some other way. I really want to find him. I can hardly stand his gaze if he is not married or has become a drug addicted or an evil psychopath, a drunkard, a homosexual or a criminal. Who knows, maybe I made was mistake with him. Maybe he transformed from a loving, sweet boy to an evil, irritable, proud, grinning and unhappy man. Because I know that people can change. Good people can transform into evil, and evil can become good. But what kind of person is he that does not have a constant good core in himself and can transform from good into evil? After all, every evil thought, deed and every word must be repelled and chased away, and you must not be allowed to multiply this evil in our life.

I reject evil and all the thoughts that push me to something evil, because I do not like evil, I love only good. Otherwise, if I take a cue from evil people, if I get angry and act like them, then I will turn into a bad person like a hypochondriated, angry, cynical brat, and hardly someone will ever want to communicate with me. If it was so, I couldn’t enjoy life every second, I couldn’t have joy, love, mercy, and I would be angry with everything around and as a result I would go crazy. It’s up to me to choose. I make this choice every morning and choose only good. But it is still difficult for other people to choose something for themselves, because of inexperience and inability to think.

I know a few of my friends who are older than me, but who are not able to think. These people cannot choose anything for themselves and their loved ones. Every day they drift like clouds chased by the wind. But the wind does not ask where the cloud wants to drift. Often the wind drift clouds into insanity, evil, lawlessness, laziness, impatience, alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, resentment and so on.

Every day of life is a valuable gift. As I live the day, so I will live my life. If a person spent the whole day offending his loved ones, and at night he died, then he died as an offended and proud man. This last day became his whole life.

I have another friend. This guy’s name is Oleg. He was very touchy. Sometimes he could take offense at his mother all day. He often gestured with his hands and said: “My mother is pretty hot and tempting! She can tell me anything. And the most important thing is she doesn’t ask for forgiveness. So I can’t talk to her all day long to teach her a lesson.”

I almost imagined what his mother told Oleg about, because looking at the behavior of this guy, it was clear that if he did not change and did not get wiser, there would be a big trouble. He drove quickly, he was constantly rude and became addicted to alcohol, cigarettes and girls of easy virtue, and never helped his parents in any way. When his friend said that he had to come over to his mother to help her doing something, he laughed in surprise and said: “You’re mother’s baby!” It was impossible to solve any serious, vital question with this guy. He could not be trusted either. One day he came over to his mother. Probably, he did not understand himself why he came to see her. In less than half an hour they began to quarrel. His mother was telling him the right things. But the brain of this adult wasn’t mature enough and did not perceive what was said, but perceived all the words of his parents with hostility and reproaches. This young man did not even know what he wanted in his life. He did not know either what profession to chose or what kind of future wife he needed. He did not know what to talk to a girl about. When he finished his conversation with new acquaintances, he used to come and say with a sneer: “They are some stupid people, they do not know what to talk with me about, and they do not understand me at all.” Of course, Oleg could not realize why no one could understand him and talk to him. Only my friends and me knew the reason of this misunderstanding. We were receptive to him, because he was our friend, and we did not want to offend him. We all knew that he was not mature yet though our age was quite the same. He took turns discussing all his friends with us. He did not understand what he was saying. He took offense, was angry with all his friends, neighbors and parents. One day his mother said something that Oleg did not like at all and it seemed very offensive to him. He got angry and dropping the phone he had a grouch on his mother. He said that he would never put up with her first, because she told him rather offensive words. He did not call up to her for two days, being sure of his rightness. Two days later Oleg was called to the phone from the hospital, picking up the phone, he heard: “Hello Oleg, your mother was knocked by the car. She could not survive. We express our condolences”. Oleg could not believe it. After all, deep down he hoped he would reconcile with his mother. He just wanted to take offense at his mother a little and as he said, “to teach her a lesson,” showing her. Now Oleg knows that love cannot offend!

I’ve told you a bit about my friends, now I want to tell you about myself. I’m very pretty and I have a beautiful figure. I constantly go in for sports to look good and to be fond of my future lover and not to get sick easily. It is very important for me to have an attractive figure, because I want my sweetheart like to look at me.

I know that men like beautiful female figures, and I constantly upload my buttocks, legs and other parts of my body with physical exercises, and I also find some time for jogging every day. In fact, going in for sports is very cool. I’m sure that when I meet my beloved, he will like it very much. But what a person my beloved should be? Probably he should be as smart and loving as I am. But, of course, it may happen that my future husband will not be perfectly intelligent and loving person. But even if it is so, the main thing is that he wants to acquire this mind and love. It is not even possible to go shopping for food without the desire, and a person can live with a principle “if I don’t have something, I don’t need it.” But if a person wishes, but does not have, I will help him to acquire this. I will fight. I will give him love if he does not have it. If something goes wrong, I’ll come from the other side, showing endurance and patience. After all, not everybody acquires the mind, patience and love in one second. Sometimes, it’s possible to reach out a person only after many years. Age plays a not very significant role in human life. I know many women and men who are already 40 or 50 years old, but their intelligence and wisdom are several times lower than some of my acquaintances who are not even 30. I’m thirty now. You cannot judge a man by his age. This approach is partially true. Never compare your inner world and your knowledge in thirty years with other people of the same age.

I have one 55-year-old acquaintance who once said to me: “At the age of 20 I was, in general, a child, at 30 I started to understand something, at 40 I look at things quite differently, now I’m 50 and I see everything.” There are also some people, like this adult man, who see life absolutely differently. But they cannot explain this. Each of them has its own point of view. When this man began to tell me about his life and began to teach me something, he could not imagine that he would have to learn from me. When we finished talking with him, he was even a little ashamed that he does not understand much yet. I absolutely did not want to offend him, just as a result of our conversation he realized that he needed to study, but not me. It was proud, irritable, spiteful, self-centered, drinking, full of ambition and blind prejudices man, who did not like being interrupted and in some way disobeyed. He told me almost an hour only about the Cold War and a secret government. This man has never been at a real war, where young soldiers dreamed of living and loving. Otherwise, he would not sit with me on the bench and drive me into his crazy reflections, “who — whom and when,” and would neither make me nervous, nor his wife and himself. He would have learned better to love and adequately perceived reality, leaving his tedious reflections, because his words do not fill anyone with love, but, on the contrary, they clog up the mind. If he really wants to help his country, then let him do something useful and effective, which can really help. And let him say a few pleasant words to his wife, who “turns like a squirrel in a cage” all days long, and her husband just sits on a bench with a fictional war and bored with his harmful conversations. When his wife told him how he tortured everyone with his talks about war and politics and that people around him were just laughing at him, he was getting angry and, waving his arms, he said: “Yes! There are puppets like you, and somebody plays with you. And I see and I know everything. “All that he sees and understands, I was not interested in at all, because I understood it better than he did. People on the planet always used to fight with themselves, arranging both hot and cold wars, raised vassals, created intelligence, attached, detached the land and so on. This man did not understand just one thing. He did not understand that you cannot focus on this, because otherwise he will just go mad. Now, if he really had a flexible mind and if he talked about love, and not threw it away, then it would be nice to talk with him. I know that children did not really like to come to visit their grandfather, because children go where there is love. Grandchildren were rare guests, because he was grumpy, boring, stupid, sinful and not able to love anybody. I know that there are things from which a person can go crazy. One of them is the very “Trojan horses” that do not let you sleep well. Such a person begins to feel that this “horse” is already very close. It seems to such a person that he will soon be brought here and armed evil warriors will come out of him. But not only a man can go crazy about the war. Sometimes it seems to him that his neighbors are also plotting something against him and are constantly watching him. A person can even be sure of this, although the neighbors themselves may not even know about it. It would be great if our 55-year-old “smart” grandfather understood this. Why did I remember this man? Because I’ve never wanted to have a husband like him in my life.

His wife was an unhappy woman. They did not have mutual understanding and communication with each other. They communicated briefly and laconically. He spent the whole day doing his own business, as well as his wife. Very often they scrimmaged for hours. They tried to find out something, but I still could not understand what exactly they tried to say to each other each time. Cries, anger, abusive words, resentment, pride and humiliation became an integral part of their lives and soon completely filled their lives. This is the same example where there is no love, patience, understanding, reason, mercy and help between people, but there is stupidity, pride, irritation, quarrels, resentment, humiliation and all the rest of evil. When I remember this family, I feel uncomfortable. For all the time of communication with them I have not been able to hear, at least, a couple of clever, warm and affectionate words. What business you can talk about, if these adult people cannot hear good and smart words. They could only plant potatoes together, but it was already problematic to pick it, because once they told their relatives: “We will plant a lot of potatoes together, and then we dig it out and sell it.” Of course, they planted potatoes together, but when it was time for crop harvesting, they grudged sharing big profits in half. They told to their relatives: “Potato crop this year!”

I also noticed that this man had some kind of suspiciousness. Throughout the conversation he tried to prove that he was a real man, but not a coward and more than that he was very independent. I do not know why he was obsessed with this! Maybe someone told him once that he is not a real man, and he still thinks about it and goes crazy about it. That person had not learned to think, had not learned to love, had not learned to appreciate and thank, and also had not learned to cope with his suspiciousness and annoying thoughts.

I do not want anybody to scream at me, I do not want to be offended or irritated, I do not want to feel rejected, humiliated and forgotten, and I do not want anybody to scowl at me waiving his head from side to side and tutting.

Well, today I found that classmate on a social network, about whom I remembered a little earlier. I found the guy who stood near the closet and said: “Why did you lock him there? The guy has a mother who loves him and does not want you to keep him in the closet.” The guy I found on the social network was married already. He had two beautiful children. I was not upset about this at all. On the contrary, I was happy for him. I was happy for their life and for the fact that their family is in good health. Why am I glad and not upset? Because I can love, but do not envy. He is happy and therefore I am glad that he is happy.

I want to meet a man with whom I could be really happy, and with whom I could live my whole life. I want to obey my husband implicitly. But I would certainly like to obey an intelligent and loving person. But where can I find such a man? In a park or a cafe? Or maybe in church? Or maybe just outside? What should be inside my chosen one? Probably, I need an ideal person with whom I would feel loved, protected and pacified. I do not want it to be like in some families, where people live by the principle — I do not interfere in your affairs, and you do not interfere into mine. I want only WE in the relationship with the spouse. And I want every day to be like a separate happy life.

I do not want my future husband to be like my father or that very grumpy, angry old man who grabbed somebody else’s potatoes, because there are people in the world who do not enjoy mutual love, but completely the opposite.

I remember that our father always told me and my younger brother that pity and love are the worst feelings and demanded from us that we should remember this forever. He liked to repeat the proverb “man is a wolf to man.” He also believed and taught us that in this life everyone defends his/her own interests, and the manifestation of kindness and sentimentality only soften the personality and make it weak. Strangely enough, but that’s what my father said. He often watched feature films about prison subculture and drew conclusions about the fact that strength, self-assertion, malicious gaze, revenge, resentment for offense and many other atrocities constitute the basis of a safe and peaceful life. It took me quite a long time to personally re-educate myself and learn to think and understand everything in a completely different way. Many of my father’s wrong, stupid words hid very deep inside me. He educated us in rudeness and cruelty, never gave us anything voluntarily, neither played any game with us, nor spoke to us, or rejoiced at our presence, he never looked with love into our eyes, and rarely, due to a sense of duty, grudgingly pretended to smile. He was always ready to a conflict. Even if some person parked his car in front of our entrance just for few minutes, he always shouted to him with anger: “I put my car here!”

Once, we made a gift to our father. We invited him to our grandmother, because there a surprise was waiting for him. We bought a big cake, and the following words were written on it: “Daddy, you are the only one, and we love you very much.” When our father came into the house and we gave him that cake with smiles on our faces, our father turned his face slightly aside and was ashamed to look into our eyes. Our father was ashamed of tenderness, kindness, love and mercy. Therefore, when we gave him this cake, the following was written on his face: “I cannot tolerate tender love, I feel like somebody has taken off my underpants in the presence of my children.”

Our father did not know what to talk about to us, did not know what to say or do something pleasant for us. His patience always lasted only for a few days. I saw how patiently he answered our children’s questions for about a week. That’s a given. It is necessary to endure and show feigned gratitude for such a hearty gift. When more than one week had passed, our father admired and triumphed that feigned love had become a thing of the past and he no longer needed to simulate this pretended love. Now he was completely free. He returned to selfishness, anger, irritation, psychosis, rage, swear words, humiliation, resentment, pride and to his drinks. Father also rarely said: “I get tired at work, so let me alone.” But what does work, fatigue and other hardships have to do with, if love breathes always and everywhere.

When my younger brother was taken ill and got to the hospital, our family hurled all efforts to help our Artem. Only our father did not show any initiative. He just stood with unhappy face and embarrassment and did not want to say a couple of affectionate words to his sick son. Our Artem recovered after some time, and he was discharged from the hospital and returned home. But our home without the father’s love does not look like a home. Our father lived in his own world, in a world of irritation, anger, rejection, constant resentment and humiliation.

What did our father feel when we were born? Of course, when our father was a little younger, he said: “My children got sick. And I’m their father! I will assemble all my internal powers and I will come to their room to embrace them, give them some medicines, and put my hand on their diseased body parts. I have to go to them. They are my own children!” But to our great regret, our father got squint to egoism, anger, endless psychosis, blindness, humiliation, resentment, pride and endless irritation. And a few years later, my father’s heart said: “Do not disturb me, and get out! I’m tired at work! It makes me furious! Get out of my way!!”

Our dad is a tough cookie and intolerable person. When my mother married him, she did not suspect that he would be like that. She always told us: “Our father was so tough when I married him. He became like that over time. And at first every man is normal!”.

Our dad had one friend whom he constantly listened to more than our mother. But this very friend later got into prison for some machinations with money. His friend was not able to present at the funeral of his father, because he was in prison. Only our father was at the funeral. His friend’s mother asked him: “Why did you allow your friend to go to jail and not see his father for the last time? Why?” But our father just stood and looked blank. He did not understand that one had to live with reason in his head. Our father knew that his friend was engaged in something illegal, but because of his indifference and stupidity, he did not tell his friend to stop. Our dad felt good being in an alcoholic delirium with his friend. But our father still considered himself the most intelligent person and considered his life normal, smirking and proudly being extolled before other people. Surprisingly he opened his eyes so wide when his friend’s mother told him, that probably there was a dry seed of reason gave a small green sprout in the head of our father. But will our father change? Will he be able to turn from the stupid into the intelligent one, from the spiteful and irritable to the loving and humble?

My mother also told me that when our father was young, he courted to her very nice and tried to look like a kind, intelligent and strong person. And then he was not that at all. When he achieved his goal, and our mother became his wife, my father relaxed and his inner evil, impatience, humiliation and psychosis merged into their relationship.

My parents often brawled and sorted out their relationships. I heard what they were arguing about and screaming at each other. Once I saw two small children who were quarreling with each other, unless it could be called a quarrel. One boy was 3,5 years old, the second one was only ten months. The elder brother pushed the younger and swore at him for grabbing his clothes and preventing play with toys. He tried to explain something to his little brother, and said, “Why did you touch me, don’t you see that I’m playing with toys, and you hinder me to play!” These guys did not understand each other, as well as my parents, due to the fact that no one wanted to stop the quarrel. While quarrelling they told each other insulting words. Loads of wicked and sarcastic expressions were composed in their minds. Each of them recalled the most evil moments of past quarrels. These arguments were similar to the evil game “who wins”. I towered above it all, because I knew that such quarrels should not exist at all. My parents had to be above it all, as well as all adults above the quarrels of young children. So, after a while, acquiring a taste, our father started to abuse me and Artem.

Of course — a man has two natures. He knows both evil and good. But you always need to speak and to do only good things. But still, not everyone chooses good… For all his life a person makes a nest of goodness, reason, love, and another nest of sins, madness, anger, irritability, grumpy discontent, drunkenness and psychosis.

I remember once I was riding on a bus and there were two little boys in front of me. One of them said: “It’s great that your father is so kind. My dad is not like that at all, so, let’s go to your place to play.” These words wounded me, because I immediately remembered how my brother and I talked the same about my father. Many fathers could immerse themselves in the worlds of their children and could listen to them with joy and love in their eyes. They could hear the story of how the dandelion was ripped off, a frog was caught or an earthworm was found. But some fathers did not like to communicate with their children, and they did not like to play with them and did not like to teach them. They simply did not have love in their hearts.

I remember once our father broke his leg and was unable to do many things by his own. Of course, he asked us about these things. We gladly did these things for our father, who had problems with movements. He looked somewhere to the side and said without anger: “Thank you, children.” We were happy with his words and the way he talked to us. My younger brother asked me: “Why our father has become kind, after he had broken his leg? Let his leg always be broken.”

I was sorry for my brother, because he needed his father’s love. I tried my best to love for two. I tried to love for myself and for my father. My brother still feels a lack of love. When he was fourteen years old, he had some troubles with breathing. It was hard for him to breathe. He told me that as if some kind of lump in throat rolls to his chest, strains it and prevents him from breathing. He developed vasomotor dyscrasia. I did everything I could to help him. I wanted my brother to breathe easily, and not snuffle with great anguish. Our father looked with anger at Artem and said: “Why are you breathing like this? You are therefore gasping for not breathing properly. How many times have I explained to you that you cannot breathe like this? You need to breathe properly and do not exhale completely all the air, so you are suffocating.” After a while, unable to stand it, our father said angrily: “What!? Do you check if you have enough air or not? That’s ridiculous!”

These words just destroyed me and my brother. These words helped us to understand one simple but very important thing. Our father did not have love. Once he rejected this love and was not looking for it. He put himself in irritation, anger and endless psychosis. A man without love is like a car that has no wheels. Even when we grew up, our father did not like to communicate with us. A telephone conversation looked something like this, “hello” and “goodbye”. A real conversation was similar to one by phone. Our father started to talk only when drinking any alcoholic beverage. But after a week of hard drinking, when he frayed all our nerves, he began to feel very ill, and talked about it to all their relatives, waiting for their pity. When he felt that he was not regretted, and expressed only grudge against his drunkenness, he was angry again and answered irritably: “Let me alone! I’m fed up with it!

When we grew up, our father almost never called us, because he did not want to communicate with his children. He liked to communicate with TV, drinking some alcoholic beverage and with other people in a drinking state. I do not remember that our father, at least once in our entire life, would embrace us and say how happy he is to be with us and that we can spend time together. There was no place for love in his heart. He was never afraid to offend us with words. He never apologized for anything and never asked for forgiveness. He had never admitted his guilt, even if there was something to blame him in. He could endlessly prove his rightness, proudly humiliating with rude words and causing insults. He always tried to scintillate with his mind before other people and loved when they told that he was a clever man. With all his might he tried to show his “sharp” mind to the first available and making sure that a person often makes mistakes, is not experienced enough or not yet an adult, he tried to humiliate, offend and exalt him.

But why do I talk so much about my father? Maybe it’s because I have not got enough love from him?! Maybe because my father is the most striking example of a man who has no love, but has the opposite?

Since Artem’s breathing had been in abnormal state for a long time, our mother was advised to take him to a psychologist. But the angry, irritable psychologist told our mother without restraining himself: “You brought your son to such a state with your care and overprotection. Therefore, he suffocates, because he is afraid to take the first steps, moving away from your care to adulthood. What have you done with him, mama?!”

As expected, our mother believed every word of this psychologist. When they returned from the hospital, I asked my mother to tell me what the psychologist had told them, and, of course, I was very shocked and saddened from the story I’ve heard. For some reason, this psychologist decided that Artem, who was raised by our mother in love, care and protection, came out, as the psychologist hinted, “to the world of independence and evil,” and broke his spirit, which accordingly led him to emotional stress, and then to nervous disease. I knew that there are a lot of psychologists like that who do not know what they talk about or diagnose all by the same pattern, without going into the essence and problems of each person. I immediately saw the consequences of their visit to this psychologist. I saw that my mother stopped saying warm, laudatory words of love, kindness and gratitude. She stopped looking at Artem with a kind and loving eyes, and also stopped hugging him. A few days later, when Artem had a strong attack of oxygen shortage, my mother tried to show him warmth, caring and love, but as little as possible. Our mother thought then: “Here is my son lying and gasping. Maybe I should not approach him and say something, otherwise it will become a habit and then he will grow up as a nincompoop.” Our mother was presented with incorrect information, and as a result, she began to struggle with good deeds, warm words, a loving smile and merciful love in her mind. The words of the psychologist were deeply embedded in the mind of our mother, and without understanding the psychologist himself could convince “a little” our mother that love and good do only harm and do not prepare children for adulthood.

Curiously enough, but evil always wants to convince a person that it is the true norm of preparing children for real adulthood, and that love is an abnormal stupidity that maims life and leads to weakness, decline, embarrassment, restraint, insecurity, and to an infinite human condition, about which they would then say: “Between hay and grass!” It is interesting to know what this psychologist will say to his children, his spouse and his parents, if he knows that his relatives need to live only for several years, months or even days?! And whether he will be as angry and annoyed as he did in the presence of my relatives.

I know one family where the father once said: “There is nothing worse than bringing up children in love, care and kindness.” His son craved these things from his father every day. But the father, seeing a desire of his son, began to break these feelings and make a deviation in a completely different direction. When his wife began to hug and kiss him, her husband immediately interfered and said: “Less tenderness! You will spoil the guy, and he will grow up a molly and a mattress.”

One day a friend, who worked as a psychologist, came to visit them. When she came in the house and their son saw her, he immediately ran up to this woman and embraced her tightly. This lady also hugged the baby very strongly and asked him: “Do you like hugging? How wonderful it is! It’s necessary to hug you more often!” The baby’s father looked at his wife’s friend, feeling displeased. A second later their glances met and these people, looking at each other, realized that each of them had his own world in his head. One person had a world of love and good, and another person had a world of insanity, evil and wrong views of life. The father of this child was a sort of “brilliant” psychologist as well. But there are psychologists who follow in the footsteps of love and good, and also there are psychologists of stupidity and evil. Unfortunately, the father of that child was not a believer in love. This time this family faced with a good psychologist who knew that love in a person’s life should take a central place, from which any psychology begins. But of course the result of this attitude towards his son was obvious. For several years, little Roma had not felt loved, but on the contrary, felt rejected and lonely. But of course when he grew up, it was out of the question to talk about a simple warm conversation with his father. His father was somewhere deep in his anger, irritation, psychosis, blind wrong prejudices and baseless speculation, not realizing that love is power, life and victory.

Once my cousin got sick, and she had to visit one experienced intelligent psychologist. During the conversation, the psychologist, looking into my sister’s eyes, said: “Sometimes people get sick, because they do not know how to love. They learn to be humble and learn to love through their illnesses!” My cousin had been thinking for a long time what all this means is the phrase “learn to be humble and love.” She was not patient and was not afraid of offending anyone. There were no prohibitions and decrees for it. Buying things in the store, she could express to the seller everything she wanted in any situation, completely not caring what a person feels at the same time. In fact, my sister was always dissatisfied with something, was very touchy and like the fire kindled every little quarrel.

Once, when she was sitting with her friends and boasting how she could offend other people in a quarrel, her friend told her: “Me and Alexei never quarrel and do not offend each other.” My sister screwed up her eyes and lighted a cigarette, grinned and said in response: “You are boring.” Frankly, after examining my cousin, it became clear that she imitates almost all negative acts and habits. When she saw people with various physical disabilities in arms, legs, or the whole body, she made a squeamish face and said: “How terrible and disgusting they are. I cannot stand them!” My cousin did not understand many things, but she rejected many things from herself. She was very fond of giving out her advices to everyone, and for some reason she was sure that they were always right. She liked to teach people how they should live, believing for some reason that other adults’ lives were not right. But people who understood life better than she, listening to her advice and recommendations, often said in their minds: “What a stupid girl! She does not understand what she says!”

The psychologist, whom she addressed to, could not help her because a psychologist-woman did not know how to teach her to love. She simply did not know how to evoke a response from my obstinate, spiritually blind, pompous, psychotic sister. My cousin was expecting a magic pill from the psychologist, which was supposed to heal her, but she could not keep her ears open to the advice of an experienced psychologist because of not being adult enough, as well as having lack of inner inexperience, emptiness and because of incorrect psychological attitude to life.

When my sister left the hospital and saw one of the moms in the street gently embracing her son, she thought: “Oh! Children! They are intolerable. And why does she hug and embraces him on and on? Then he will grow into a worthless person.”

A few years ago, when we were walking with my sister along the street, and I helped one old lady to go upstairs with her bags, my cousin was very ashamed of this, and walked a few steps away from me, as if she was not familiar with me. Several years have passed since that moment, but nothing has changed. Katya, my sister, is still ashamed of the good and is not ashamed of stupid pride, insane anger, cruelty, extreme immorality and the lowest offenses. When my sister offends a person, she feels pleasure. This pleasure is like enjoying the reception of the most delicious food in the world. Now my sister is sick and wants to be healed of her illness very much. She is suffering. Maybe the illness can change my sister. After all, the people who were offended by her were even more afflicted. Two years ago, Katya became ill with the flu, which caused complications, as a result of which she had been suffering for about three months. After the illness it was possible to communicate pleasantly with Katya for about a month. After the illness, she became a completely different person. But after a while she returned to her former malicious, irritable, proud, touchy state. And a year ago she was very strongly bitten by an evil dog. And my sister became a little calmer again, more merciful, more harmless and a pleasant girl to communicate with. But after she got better again and started going to work, she returned to her former, angry, irritated, psychotic state. That change occurred right before my eyes. Every evening she came from work completely different. Probably it was not accidental that at work she had to communicate with people who did not like good and love. Accordingly, not having a love in her mind, my sister became like them after a short period of communicating with them. Only temporary suffering could stop her anger, grumbling and pride. Plus, my sister did not have any patience in herself. Once she reminded me my father, who once took Artem with him to build a garage. After a while, Artem asked his father to put a small piece of the wall on his own. Father let Artem do it. When Artem laid the first brick, and then the other, our father began to get irritated, as it was not satiscompany. Father began to scold him and offend unacceptably, and then, our father said to him: “You are a stupid fool!” He snatched a float from Artem’s hands, removed the crooked bricks that Artem had laid and, looking at Artem with an angry glance, shook his head and said: “Give a float to me, step aside and stay out of it! You are cack-handed. Can’t you see that the bricks lie hitchy? You’re completely blind!”

Artem, seeing his angry father, took a couple of steps back and, clutching his heel against the bricks, fell to the ground with his back and hit his head. Fortunately, the earth was not very tight and the headache passed in a few minutes. When Artem fell to the ground, he could not imagine that a metal pin was protruded in two centimeters from his head. Our father looked at Artem and on the protruding pin, and said irritably: “Look where you go.” Of course, our father did not even think about his son’s safety, without mentioning love for him. I remember how my father beat Artem in childhood. I cannot say that these beatings were ruthless and necessary for the upbringing with punishments. It was rather like a mad expulsion of one’s anger. Because, when somebody punishes a child, he/she does not beat with all the might on the nape, biting his/her lower lip from mental sadistic pleasure. And as a result, after such attacks on the head, children see sparks in their heads or fly off and strike at anything with their bodies. So, this happened once with Artem, and as a result he had a small scar left on the nape, for which he was pissed off as “a piggy bank” at the school.

Once I was told a similar story: “One man took a five-year-old son to work in the garden. Parents had to plant potatoes. Father was constantly talking about this potato. He used to sit for hours thinking about where to put it, where and how much to plant. This father often suddenly started talking about this potato and mixing psychosis, anger and irritation said: “And what is that you will eat in the winter?! Is it dry pasta?!” When they arrived at the cottage and laid out the potatoes, his little son began to throw potatoes in different directions. The father warned his child and told him: “If you once again throw potatoes somewhere, I will punish you for it!” His son stayed still almost five minutes. But then he took the potato again and threw it into the nearby vegetable garden. His father full of anger ran to his son, took him by the hand, set his teeth, pressed his lower lip and flung him aside. The child fell to the ground and hit his head on a sharp, medium-sized cobblestone, inconspicuous lying in the grass. Because of craniocerebral injury the child remained disabled for the rest of his life. His father has learned to love his son; he has been courting for him about ten years. Now this man tells other people that love is something that people can forget about and forever erase from their lives. He says that people need to remove irritation, hatred and anger from their hearts forever and settle attracting merciful love there. This man was like a former alcoholic who brought his body to a very serious illness because of drinking but now after suffering, having stopped drinking a person tells other people that they should also forget once and for all what drinking is. They should forget once and for all what beer, champagne and other alcoholic beverages are. Now this man was 100% sure that ten years ago he acted very badly. He gave way to insane anger, irritation, psychosis and made an irreparable mistake in his life, which he regrets every day and night. Almost every day this man sitting at night beside his son weeps bitterly. This man once said: “My father also did not understand what is most important in this life. I remember how he ran after me through the garden because we trampled as he said a beautiful berry bushes. I remember how I ran away from my father, stumbled and fell on the path of bricks, I rubbed my face, hands and knees, they were bleeding. Of course, my father did not come to me and did not comfort me. He also did not wash me from the blood on my knees and face. My mom came out into the street, she embraced me and led me home to debride my wound. My father at this time turned around and went to restore the trampled berry bush. After the father revived the bush, constantly speaking in his beard, he went to hug our dog, then he quietly went to the chickens, whispering to them: “Do not be afraid, do not be afraid, everything’s fine.” Then he called his friend and for a few minutes, with a smile on his face, talked with him very pleasantly. My father loved everything and everyone around me, except me. When I went out into the street and caught my father’s eye, my father began to grind his teeth and be angry with me. His eyes irradiated anger to me, like my eyes, until a certain moment in my life, radiating anger and irritation to my own little son. I would gladly swap places with my son. I’d rather be disabled, but not my son. That’s what happens when you do not love your children! Nothing would have happened if I had allowed him to scatter these several potatoes around.” Now this man is not annoyed at all by his son. Now he loves him. I remember that my brother Artem said: “I’m happy to help our father, but my father constantly offends us. He is constantly annoyed and angry with us! He constantly offends me. He always scowls at me. Our father is an evil person!”

Artem always said that his father offended not him, but us, since he did not even want to think that his father offended only him, and not both of us. Speaking of the fact that his father offended “us,” Artem felt less alone.

I remember that once Artem and our father built a fence. While building a wooden fence our father offended and humiliated Artem more than fifty times. My brother heard such phrases as: “Are you brain dead?! You can’t even measure the distance from edge to edge!” Our father also told him: “Watch carefully! Are you are absolutely blind?! You look and you do not see! I think what a slow-witted you are!”

I saw the torment of Artem. I saw this horribly nasty extermination of common sense and love. When Artem did not stand such humiliation and said something to his father in return, his father immediately pointed at him his angry look and began “to beat” Artem with his anger, abuse, humiliation and resentment. Almost always our father answered Artem: “A few more remarks like that and you will qualify for punch on the nose! Snivel!” After each such phenomenon our father’s heart changed and he got angrier each time. He nourished his malice with poisoned bread, and this inner beast began to gain weight gradually.

Once I could not stand it and told our father: “You know, father, you must love your children, and not humiliate and scowled them!”

After my words our father’s look changed and if someone else was in front of him that time, he would have answered that person something stupid, continuing to enjoy with that he constantly enjoys. But this did not happen, because I was in front of him, but not someone else. My father was displeased with this, as well as the husband of my ex-girlfriend, who showed his tattoos to young girls and smoked cigarettes, telling his “delightful stories from life.” After all, how do you do what you like now, when some kind of insignificant barrier appears before you? My father stopped humiliation and resentment for about three days. When my father and Artem went to build the fence again, my father was silent, remembering my words and feeling my gaze on him, and Artem began to feel like a man and a loving son. But anyway, three days later, after thinking about the fact that I had to pull myself up and say something to my father, he again began to look for loopholes for venomous humiliations towards Artem and seeing that no one could stop him, he continued to speak angrily, as he did before.

Why do many fathers, meeting their wives with newborn children right from a maternity home, do not know whether they will love their child or will irritate him, or accidentally will push him away to bricks, iron objects or sharp stones. Or maybe some of them will beat their children and break their hands with a wrench, so the children will lose consciousness and will have to withstand a surgery operation for several hours, because they just scribbled something on the door of dad’s new car. Or maybe someone will slap on the wrist of children for dropping and smashing an expensive vase, brought from abroad, as they do everywhere. At this time blind anger points to children’s hands and says: “Swing him because he touched your expensive things with these hands”. But a vase and a car door together cannot be more expensive than children’s hands, and their health given them from birth cannot cost ten scattered potatoes all the more.

It is very difficult when some people bear children with disabilities. Children are born without hands, feet, or with other diseases. It’s hard when these children ask why they are not like the rest of the people. But even harder, when someone makes his children disabled himself, because of his psychosis, anger or irritation. Such parents often say to their children: “Forgive me! Forgive me! Forgive me!” But the child often responds to his mother or father: “Why are you repeating the same words to me? And why do you cry? Why are you asking for forgiveness? You should forgive me for having broken a vase, a scratched door or thrown potatoes, we will not do it again!”

Madness, anger, narrow thinking, irritation, hatred, pride, jealousy, quarrels, psychoses and much more insanity destroy a person from within, dump a person off the rails of love and make the worst and most terrible things with a person.

I remember that I watched once some kind of program about people’s lives. One woman who sat in the studio said: “We all do not have enough love!” I’m sure that many people sitting in that studio, as well as many viewers, did not understand what this adult woman was talking about. And some people, probably, said thought: “If it’s not enough for us, let it not be enough! A man cannot give what he hasn’t got!” But I think there were some people who said:" Maybe we should learn to love!” But if we have not got the most important in our lives, then for what and with what such a person lives? If people do not have enough water in the desert, how can they survive? A person will simply die without water. But a person who does not have love in him continues to live, but there is something else inside him instead of love. Without love a person is physically alive, but spiritually he is simply dead.

Once I asked Artem: “Does our father give us love or not, what do you think?” Artem replied: “I do not remember a single day that our father will give me loves. He only offends and proudly ridicules me and constantly gets irritated. I’m sure when people love their children they do not do that.” Yes! In fact, it is true. Absolutely everything irritated our father. When Artem and I opened our mouths to talk with our father, our words were like salt, which is poured on the wounds of a man, causing him inconvenience, discontent and irritation.

Love never dies. It can only be temporarily encroached on, exposing it as ridiculous, stupid, abnormal, shameful and finally try to press the love with the foot to the ground.

Our father constantly makes some conditions for love, and also our father is distracted from love by some things. Our father wants something good, but he has some kind of constant anger from within. Very often he discreetly thinks: “I’m a good person! I like to be closer to my children, especially to my son! But something is hindering inside. My son is annoying and angry with me. Each of his questions leads me to unbearable irritation and I cannot stand it. Maybe, I should let my son stop asking me his stupid questions and let him achieve some success in this life. Perhaps only then it will all pass! Yes! And when I retire and I calm down a bit and everything will be fine!!!”

I remember the day when Artem came home after one youth camp and our father went out to meet him. He did not look into the eyes of his son again, but looked somewhere outside and on the floor, as if embarrassed by his son and could not talk to him about anything, considering Artem as futile person and not adult yet. But the reason was not in Artem, as three days later Artem began to receive regular portions of humiliation, screaming, angry and scowls towards Artem.

I remember how one of our distant relatives, who had become very rich, came to visit our father. He helped us once in a difficult moment, giving us financial assistance. When our father met that man and drank some strong drinks, his eyes were shining with happiness. Our dad told him the sweetest, laudatory words of love and good. He said to him: “My friend! You are not just a friend to me, you are more than a friend to me. I am very glad to meet you warmly and tell you that I have always valued our friendship. You can address me with absolutely any request. I will give you any help with great joy.”

I am sure that if our father accidentally found out that Artem became a millionaire, then Artem would not have to listen to no offensive words during the day. I imagine the picture: Ten o’clock in the morning, the father is going to get angry, get irritated with Artem because he helps to do something to his father, but it is not right. But suddenly a bell rings and Artem gets to know that he inherited in a will from some distant relative or won a stunning amount in the lottery, and only Artem has the right to dispose of this fortune. I think that our father would have never say anything offensive to Artem for all day, thinking about the fact that he will get a certain amount of money. Embarrassed by the apology and looking somewhere outside, he would begin to pretend to smile and pretend that there were no offenses on his part. But even if they were, then his smile and closed mouth would apologize for his behavior, hiding the words: “You can’t even hold screws normally! And where do you get it from?!”

I have a friend whose parents behaved exactly the same. This guy has not been able to find a job for a long time. His parents did not like that, and they began to offend him and tell him that he simply did not want to work. They

engaged in ad hominem attacks with him and called him “a stupid child”. Not existing love and respect for him disappeared in their eyes immediately. Of course, when this guy achieved a success and began to earn much more than his parents, the parents’ eyes shone again. And they began to treat their son much better. Once the parents of this guy burned down the house, which they have been built for almost fifteen years. Fortunately, everyone was safe and sound. Their son just went to the bank, withdrew a certain amount from his account, gave it to his parents and said: “Build a new house or buy another one.” His mother shed a tear of joy and said: “We are proud of you, son. You’re clever.” Mom could not even imagine that these words would upset her own son, because he felt inside of himself why and for what they treated him so. He remembered his childhood, youth, a time when he could not find a job! He remembered the time when his mother and father did not believe in him, remembered all the words that they had told him before, looked down and did not say anything. His sadness and grief blinded his eyes with tears. His mother, seeing his wet eyes, decided that it was a tear of joy. But he was thinking about something else. He understood that his mother was spiritually dead, and did not have humility and love inside. I think if this guy would ask his mother: “Why do you start treating me better when I got money?” Then, surely, his mother would answer him: “What?! We treat you as we always did before, because you are our only beloved son!” It will be hard to believe in these words, because the facts speak quite differently. Sometimes, his mother would say: “Go away and do not come until you find a job.” What did this young man feel? It is not known how long this humiliation could last, if the guy did not find a job and did not get rich. But this is only one of a thousand stories like that. And how many cases there are where fathers completely turn away from their children, just because they did not follow in their footsteps, only for the fact that their son chose a different profession. He chose the profession that his father did not want. His father probably wanted his son to become a general or maybe someone else, for example, a policeman, a doctor, a lawyer. But the son did not become what his father wanted to. Of course, the father was upset, because all the children of his friends became generals. Is it really necessary to stop loving and respecting your children because of this?

I have two girlfriends. The mother of one girl always said: “You are your own mistress in this life! No one should ever be reckoned with! If you are offended by a word, then offend in response even harder!” Another friend of mine was saying something completely different: “In this life you live in a society! It is necessary to love and accept people as they are. If you are offended, then try not to offend in response, but on the contrary, peacefully solve the problem and love people.” Looking at these girls you can see very different views. One is filled with malice, discontent, psychosis, suspiciousness, speculation and vengeance, and another — with love, peace, the desire to help their family and other people.

I had a very hard time, when I consciously began to break myself and change my character completely. Everything begins with the realization that a person thinks, speaks and does evil, doing absolutely wrong. Many people need to change their views, beliefs, ways of thinking and way of life. Yes, a person who carries light and love should not ask himself the question: “And maybe I’m doing something that is absolutely not right? Can I become evil again because many people do not understand my love and kindness?” In fact, all these questions are false, since evil always persecutes a person, dreaming to eat him from within, and sweep out of it holy love. If a person removes love from the heart, what then will fill it?

My father always jokingly told Artem: “Deceive your neighbor or neighbor will deceive you. Take it away from your neighbor or neighbor will take it away from you.” All these words were said as a joke, but still they were firmly deposited in my mind and in the consciousness of my brother. After these words Artem became different. He began to look at people with disbelief and anger, scrolling in his head the following thoughts: “All people are evil. Everyone wants to deceive me and take everything from me. Man is a wolf to man.” Artem lost his inner peace. And it was difficult to ken Artem after communicating with our father. Over time, our father began to see more shortcomings than he had seen them before in Artem. In other words, our father saw only the bad in him, and also saw what he was so unbearably irritated and repelled with.

Therefore, every person has a very important choice in his life. Either he is angry and multiplies his anger, and sees only evil in people, or he closes the source of grumbling, hatred, psychosis forever and begins to love, praise, encourage, endure and multiply love, mercy, humility and reason. The choice will have to be done to every person. Nobody can escape from this. Either a person is constantly angry, hates and gets irritated, or a person constantly loves, does good deeds and speaks only good things. I’m sure, there is no reason to despair and be upset for those who love evil deeds and words because they have to replace evil deeds with good ones. This disorder is just habitual and deceptive.

I remember how Artem went into the yard of our house and felt rejected, lonely and humiliated, although his parents were alive. All that our father gave him were insults, irritation and anger. Undoubtedly, the father took care of him and said in his heart: “I, after all, feed my children and potter about the garden and repair our house for the last money. So, I fit into the standard of good fathers.”

For twenty years, Artem felt lonely and outcast. His loving childish heart was drawn to his father, but he received only cold and constant insulting humiliation in return.

Throughout my life, and especially over the last years, evil thoughts in my head have tried to change my mind so that I do not try to change and work on myself. Evil wants me to look like a grumpy, cynical, angry woman. But if I choose evil, I will simply lose and die.

Evil mindset constantly told me: “Your love is not wanted by anyone!” But I told myself that love is necessary for everyone and there is no sense without love. When you are tucked with a blanket, you feel warm. When you love a person, he feels loved. Such a person says inside himself: “It’s so great that they really love me”. But if there is no blanket or it is, but too thin or leaky, how can it warm you? A person begins to freeze both outside and inside. But what does the phrase “real love” mean?

The evil mind told me: “It isn’t worth to give love to children. When you love them, it spoils them! Love destroys a strong personality, and the child does not grow up as a man, but as a useless boy, who is afraid of his shadow. The father must always remain his child’s father. No smiles and tenderness, no love, no friendship. A child cannot be a friend of his father. A child should be afraid of his father and should never be friends with him. This friendship is impossible. Father and son cannot be called friends. The child will always bother with his stupid annoying questions, and the father will constantly suffer because of it and some stupid questions. So your father is right, because the child is just a foolish little boy compared to his long-grown father. Would you like to be friends for all your life with a foolish little boy? Let such small children go somewhere far away and play with toys. Father and son will never have common interests together. Sooner or later, the father will get tired of communicating with his son. And what kind of father is he, whose child is not afraid of him? Fathers cannot love their child. All children are disobedient and bad, like all people on the planet. If any father becomes a friend to his son, but not a father, he will lose control over his son forever. Let fathers accustom their child to cruelty, to an adult serious life and do not waste their time. Let them not waste their precious time on stupid games and sweet talks about love with their children! Just look in his eyes, and he will start to curl and rejoice! Do not you get annoyed by this?!”

The evil mind also told me: “Do not love your mother, she is a strict woman! She does not know how to love you! He does not know how to love her son! She won’t understand what true love is!”

The evil mind told me: “How can you love your neighbors? Just remember what they’ve told you before. They do not consider you. Will you step over your pride and lick their feet? Why do you need it? Remember and understand what you need your neighbor for! In fact, you really like it when you are better than your neighbor. To be honest, boast before your neighbor, and let him hang upon your lips. After all, you need your neighbor for this. In fact you cannot admit that your neighbor would have something better or more beautiful, than yours. You can’t stand if his house is richer than yours! Do you remember how your neighbor made a new accretion to his house? How can I admit that what he made is better than yours! Do it better than him and look at him the same way, and he looks at you. Remember! People are needed only to use them, and to be praised before them. Believe me, it is very cool. You just need to taste this delicate inner delight. Yes! Your neighbor is needed just to enjoy you with pride that is sweet like cotton candy. After all, your neighbor always sees your house, your car, and the buildings on your site. When you leave your house and see your neighbor, just pass by and enjoy with pride. Do not feel sorry for him, because he boasts before you, envies, does not love you and does not spare you. This is evident from his proud, haughty, evil eyes. Do you think that your neighbor loves you and does not pick you to pieces? And do you remember if you ever have sorted out your relationships? That’s what he really is! Do not give him anything when he asks you for something. Will he give you something the next time if you ask him? How can you love such people? It’s easier, probably, to love the whole world, than to love your neighbor. Although, all over the world people are not better than your neighbor. Wars, terrorism, emigrants, the struggle for power, violence, and so on. How can you love all these people? They are worthy of hatred only. Especially your neighbor. Don’t you hate him now? It would be strange, if it weren’t so. You’re ready to leek his feet and to endure all that he will bring you during your life. Believe me! He will tell you something else. But if you did not communicate with your neighbor at all, showing him that he does not mean anything to you, then he certainly would not have told you anything. Just check it out and draw conclusions! Do not hurry to do everything with love. Do not hurry to love these people!

The evil mind in my head told me: “Look at your brother. He’s worthless and empty. He is rude with his father and mother; he cannot even lay two bricks evenly. He throws a fit and begins to act flaky like a little child. He cannot even measure a log size with a tape measure. He drives everybody mad. You just have not been in your father’s shoes. Your brother does not need any love. It will not help him. He needs a good stick, but not love. He just needs to get wiser. But apparently it will not happen very soon. Therefore, it is better just to be constantly angry with him. Nowadays love is not a fashion thing. You will see who will grow from him. Have you ever seen that a sister and a brother were real friends? Your aunt and her brother never made friends with each other. So your cousin never buddies up with her brother. All of them have matured and live as they should live. And you’re still trying to catch the bridle of love. Nowadays everyone is for himself! If you accidentally look at someone in a public transport, they will say to you: “Why are you staring?!“This is how a modern man lives nowadays. Do you really love such people? What is then? Nobody will respect you for your love! You will look like an insane little man. You will look like a sweetheart with a nice face radiating love. Take reality as it is. In this reality there is no place for love and mercy. There is no place for compassion and forgiveness. If you love, nobody will understand you. If you love, no one will take you seriously. If you love, you will be considered crazy. If you love, you will embarrass people. If you love, they will get a free ride of you, they will make use of you, and it will bother you. So, I advise you to activate the evil defense, and people will not pique at any moment. They will wash out your love and will do everything they want, because they know that you are a kind, good and loving person. Think before you fall in love with people and before you talk about this useless love!”

All these thoughts are just a small percentage of the fullness of thoughts that hate what is the most important for a person. Evil is trying to root out the first sprout of love. Evil walks around the garden with an ax and looks out for a small sprout. Evil immediately begins to chop the sprout in panic. This battle is like a huge clash of two opposing sides, where each warrior represents a good or evil side at the level of inner intellectual struggle. It represents an evil or good deed.

I constantly seem to hear the following inside: “Love is a shame! Love is not cool! Love is not fashionable! Love is boring! Love is not commendable! Love is a hoax! Love is a fake! Nobody needs love! You can live without love! Think of something else! Why are you wasting your time on this unnecessary love? Love is nonsense! Love does not exist! You are wasting your time!” But to listen to these thoughts is like an inveterate criminal, who does not have even a single drop of something good, tells you what to do.

Recently I talked with my old friend Marina. Her husband’s name is Andrew. When I stayed with them, she told me that her husband constantly yells at her. She also said that he can’t stand her any more, although she did absolutely everything for him. She did not understand why he was angry and annoyed with her. She struggled to change the situation. She began to do everything much more carefully and tried not to make mistakes in anything. She tried to have everything washed in time, to prepare food on time. One day he yelled at her severely for accidentally dropping and breaking a plate! After this incident she began to worry not to drop again and not to break anything anymore. When she cooked dinner, her husband sat at the table and looked at her with an evil glance, as if he had been waiting for the moment of the fall of some object. Marina worried about this very much. But one day she dropped the jar of peas and it scattered all over the kitchen. At last her husband was delighted with what he had seen. He was glad that he had a long-awaited reason. At last he could realize what he had been waiting for. He got a lungful of fresh air and told angrily, receiving pleasure from his anger: “You are all thumbs! Don’t you see where you put things?! Your mother is as empty-headed as you are! Apples don’t fall far from the tree!” But this is just a small part of all the words spoken at that time. Just a small part of the words spoken for all life lived together. I just do not want to retell everything that was said to the poor Marina.

Marina also told me that once her Andrew was beaten when he returned home. All his ribs and limbs were beaten off and his face was smashed. Andrew lay on the road and groaned not in his own voice. He noticed a neighbor passing by. Because of the broken ribs it was painful for him to breathe. After he was taken to the hospital, Marina spent a very long December night with him. A few days later he was discharged from the hospital, and she made him bandages every day, injected him, helped him to stand and walk around the house. She told him: “Do not worry, Andrew, everything will be fine! We are together!” At night Andrew burst into tears and regretted all the wrongs caused to his wife. Every next evening he recalled Marina’s feelings and beat himself lightly in the chest and wept. He could not imagine what kind of girl is she. That night he realized this and, embracing his wife, with tears in his eyes, asked for her forgiveness. Marina said with joy and a smile in her eyes: “Everything’s going to be OK! I’m glad that you are alive and now here with me!“Andrew looked at her and realized the deplorable state of his heart. Having said these words, she got sad after a few seconds and Andrew embraced her, laying her head on the pillow. She did this because she knew that he would return to his former embittered, nervous, discontented irritated state, when he recovered. But Andrew did not understand why Marina’s look changed and why she lay down on a pillow with a sad face. Andrew did not understand that his wife was given to him for love, and not for anger, irritation and psychosis. Perhaps, when Andrew will recover, he will show patience and restraint instead of anger. Perhaps, when Marina scattered peas throughout the kitchen again, Andrew might be irritated. But now Andrew will not pour verbal humiliation on her. Perhaps he will lower his face down, squeeze his lips and struggle with anger at his wife, grimacing his face so that any thought connected with anger spinning in his head does not accidentally become a single word. If Andrew had something for which a person lives, namely, if he had love, he would not wrinkle and turn his face away, would not hide his eyes filled with anger. Andrew just looked at her with love and said: “Marina, do not worry! Let’s throw it away together! Do not worry! It’s harmful for you and for our future baby!” It’s great that they born a healthy baby after all. Andrew completely recovered to the child’s birth and he met his wife and the child with a huge bouquet of flowers and with a broad smile on his face. Even after this story, bad thoughts did not leave me alone. They told me: “Look, what a romantic relationship they have. Quarrels, reconciliation, quarrels, reconciliation and again quarreling and reconciliation. It is simply unbearable to live without quarrels, insults and humiliation, and everything else that raises and nerves. Quarrels and resentments are simply necessary for living together. They make life more fun and diverse. But love makes life boring and monotonous. Resentment and reconciliation is simply a real romance, without which family life is not like real life.”

When my sprout of love began to rise upwards, the evil began to beat it strongly with an ax, multiplying thoughts and presenting evil, life situations that people consider normal and sometimes even adorable. Marina unbearably tormented from quarrels for months. She was tormented that she was not given love, smiles, caress, mercy and good, but only the opposite.

Of course, reconciliation after a quarrel is very pleasant, and also a request for forgiveness causes pity and love. But after reconciliation everyone understands perfectly well that one person regrets that he previously offended another one, and another person does not want to be offended any more.

Evil likes to leave indelible scars. Evil images of thoughts, combined with the spirit of evil, can oppress a person and do it again and again. It’s easy to get bored from it and they say again: “Do not be happy for your neighbor or colleague who has made some progress. It’s better to envy him, to be better than him, do not rejoice over his life, do not be glad that he built a huge house by himself and forgot to share something with you, do not be glad that he bought a car and a new comfortable house. Do not love people; all of them are evil and bad. Be angry with people and everything will be o.k., as it’s fair. People will always respect you for this. No love, no mercy, no good, no forgiveness, no peace and humility, no consolation, no smiles and no joy. These are the worst feelings in the world, which are worthy of ridicule, condemnation, shyness and endless boredom. Good and love are strange unattainable phenomena, and many people can live without them. But evil is normal. When evil lives in a man it is absolutely normal. After all, a person cannot get rid of hands and feet. After all, if you tear your hands and feet, you will look a little strange, isn’t it? Therefore, there is no need to fight you’re your inner evil. If you tear out the evil, then you will not be a full-fledged person who lives without evil, like a person who will live without arms and legs. Without evil you will look like a madman, intoxicated with shameful love. In this case you will be like a quiet, humble deadhead, although you will think that you have precious humility and love… But what is the most important, that is what people think about you, isn’t it? Why should you be kind and calm before them? What will they think of you? Oh! It’s unbearable! Why do you need this love? Whom do you want to please with it? Nobody appreciates it! It will be appreciated only when you die! Then they will say about you, wiping tears from their faces: ‘What a good man he was! How he loved people!’ What?! Are you ready to give up everything and try to do something that you can never do?! Why should you strain for the sake of this love? Nothing new, you will give it to your neighbor! But, will you get something in return? Your time! Your power! Just do not say that you like to enjoy love! You like to enjoy different things. Do not lie to yourself! You can never be good! You are the daughter of evil! You think you can be different! Remember your own feelings. You want to love, but you know that many people will not understand you, and they will embarrass you. You need to remove the love complex from yourself first. But it’s not easy to do it! It’s easier to enjoy pride, anger, irritation, resentment, revenge, drunkenness and other normal familiar things. These things do not cause a complex. You are special; you are superior to all people, principal and hundreds of times smarter. Just anger, pride, irritation and psychosis can be enjoyed not worse than your merciful love. If you need to fall in love with some dissatisfied, grumbling woman, you will certainly need a lot of patience. After all, you often need to endure when you love. But when you enjoy pride and anger, patience is not needed. With evil everything is much easier! You’re smart, well-read, neat, and athletic. In a conversation with a person you will feel this pleasure. Your interlocutor will feel humiliated, inexperienced and stupid, and you will feel satisfaction and pride. Everything is very simple and perfect. You cannot love people and accept them as they are, because you are still young and you do not understand many things. It’s not interesting for you now. Your mother and father stared to the TV every evening, and they did not care what program they watched. They just sat and stared. Your love for them was not needed. Do you really love such parents whom you can’t even call — parents! But if you think that they loved you, then why did they turn out angry at you and gave you insults, reproaches, humiliations and their psychoses all the time? And do not think that your mother loves you more than your father? It’s not like that at all. There is a bit less psychosis, irritation and anger in her. But there is still no love in it. Many people talk about love and everyone understands, but they’ve never loved anyone! Some even understand something better than you. And maybe they are wrong? Maybe, you are the best and you understand everything not like everyone else. In general, how do you intend to find a future husband for yourself? How can you love rough, impenetrable men? Do you think it will be interesting to communicate with them? Be careful not to bump into a man who just talks about love, but can’t love! You probably would be better to be alone. Oh, yes! And repeat it again! Humility, peace and love are not cool. And the patience of evil people — it’s just unbearable. Say ‘no’ to love and patience!”.

All this tried to eradicate love, hope, faith in love and faith in a bright future in me. But I know that all this evil is ready to lead me, if I let it. Because I know that love lives forever and without it a person is very lonely. All this evil tried to instill in me a dislike for my parents and other men, tried to instill in me fear and mere madness. I know that many people have been cracked down with this inner vicious pressure, but not me. Why? Because if a person believes in evil and lets it come into himself, savoring these thoughts and multiplying his anger, love will crumble like a dried leaf.

During my life I met many people, most of whom were looking for their own happiness everywhere, but not in love. After talking with a person for a few minutes, I immediately understood the meaning of his human life. The love of these people was hacked and later they took delight in alcohol, envy, anger, quarrels, screams, ridicule, smirks, pride and all the rest of indecency. Some people were like calves, who walked to the pasture and thought about nothing. Their mood and inner state depended on what the people around them could tell them. My mom and dad always paid attention to what other people could tell them. But since a man is mortal and all life is built from one day, how and who can spoil that day? But the boss of our father constantly brought him down. Our father was angry with him for the whole evening, walking around the room from corner to corner, waving his arms and saying very bad words. We had to listen to this day after day. We sat on the couch with my brother and suffered from the fact that our dad paid all this special attention to this, and he simply forgot about the love of his children. We suffered from his words and jumped up every time he raised intonation, and then suffered from the fact that our father left home to wash down his difficulties with liquor. But he not only washed down his difficulties with alcohol, he was also looking for a happy alcoholic joy in it. Our father used to do like that.

But many fathers rush home from work, so that you can spend as much time as possible with your children, to give all members of their family a smile, warmth, care, coziness, love and say a couple of pleasant words. But if a person focuses on his boss, draws attention on the driver who recently cut him up, sharpens his attention on an accidental passenger who insulted him on the bus in the presence of all passengers, and then brings this touchy psychosis home, then the following question can be arisen: “And when should you love a neighbor? Why you need to pay attention to what they’ve told you? After all, is there a place only for one thing in the heart? How can you be double-minded?”

A person feels cold, lonely and rejected without words of love. Since every word has a huge weight. During the day a person can tell his family a few words of curses instead of words of love. Very often, instead of the warming phrase: “I love you very much!” a person can hear such destructive words as: “1. You always do that! 2. Thou art an O without a figure! 3. You are a rare one to do the job! 4. Well, you’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer! 5. What kind of person are you? 6. Why do you always come here? 7. Go away and play there! 8. Yes, you’re the most intelligent of us, that your brain going to burst out! 9. I look at you and understand that it won’t come off! 10. Who, in general, will want to marry you? 11. It’s interesting that you have everything the opposite! 12. You are a strange person all the same! 13. It was worthwhile to tell you this and it became immediately clear what kind of person you are. 14. Do not come here anymore.” And many other similar words that people can tell simply endlessly.”

When children ask their parents: “Tell me, mom and dad, am I good?” I always answer on such children’s questions this way: “You are beautiful children. You are good, nice and kind. We love you very much.” My brother still cannot relax and feel confident. Now when he lives apart from his parents with his new family and begins to build something and takes the measuring tape in his hands, he looks around, fighting inside himself with the words of his father, and only then begins to not work confidently. He always needs a few seconds to defeat his father’s words: “Thou art an O without a figure! You are all thumbs! Don’t you see what you do?!” He also takes a few seconds to convince himself completely in the opposite and get started to work. Father has not called Artem for a long time and does not invite him to visit his parents. Artem always dreamed that his father warmly communicated with him and became his friend. But our father did not want a warm communication and did not want to make friends with his son and his daughter. He wished to become an angry, irritable father, but not a loving friend.

The evil mind constantly whispered to our father: “Friendship between father and son cannot exist. In families where fathers are friends with their children, children do not respect their fathers. Therefore, do not relax and be a strict father to your children and in no case be a friend to them. It will only hurt you and them. Just understand one thing: they torture you with his questions. A friend must be sought only on the side! Friendship and good partnership with the child will tire and wear you out, so do not sacrifice time for the sake of the child. Remember how pleasant was your communication with your friend, and then went to the TV, took a plate of food and had been watching programs for the whole evening. That’s great, is not it? No love, no friendship. Otherwise, you will not have free time. After all, you need to relax after work, don’t you? So, why do you waste your time and energy on the child? It’s just impossible to endure! A little patience! Soon he will grow up, live a life of independence and will not disturb you anymore. Just understand a simple thing! You will not be interested in making friends with your child. He knows almost nothing. How can you be friends with such a shallow person? And remember his habits! Don’t his habits irritate you? Aren’t you tired of your child? Remember how many times you tried to make friends with him! And all the attempts were unsuccessful. A child is not an object of friendship and love, a child is just a continuation of your kind. Raise him, feed him and dress him! Believe me, this is enough! Have you ever seen that a father and a son are the best friends? Working, gardening, building is enough. There is absolutely no free time for love and friendship. Oh, and what kind of love and friendship can you talk about if your son today cut a sofa, trampled strawberries, broke a new expensive toy and stained freshly laundered new jumpers in a puddle? He will do it all the time, so you should constantly be irritated and angry with him. And put your patience aside, because tolerating such a thing is simply unreal. And how you got tired of helping your child to do his homework and repair his bicycle. No! You definitely do not need such friends! And, in general, look carefully! Your son is not like his peers. They know what they want from life, and your son does not know anything, not to speak of adult life. Your son is not as intelligent as they are. Get a better look at your son. Don’t you think he’s just infantile? You just need to reject it. You should release your heart from your annoying son. You will not regret if you do it. You will have complete inner freedom. Do you feel how unbearably your family and this entire useless everyday bustle with these demands for love are bothering you?”

Many people build whole skyscrapers in their minds, consisting of evil and spiritual blindness floors. Such people know the depth of pride, anger and all other vices, forgetting about the holy love to other people. Thoughts in my head, connecting with anger, still continue to push it out of me. Many thoughts were against Artem. They sounded like this: “Are not you tired of your love for your brother? Your brother does not thank you for your love! He takes everything for granted! His peers always thank their relatives for something, but he doesn’t! He is an egoist. His father rejected him for a reason. This generation is very different from ours. This generation is spoiled, unaccustomed to anything, selfish, does not like to read books. I do not understand how you can love, appreciate and be friends with them. And how could you proudly be praised with great pleasure before your brother? You miss this fantastic moment. Just remember how your father praised you! Remember how he humiliated Artem, and hold you up as an example! What did you feel then? Pride has come to you, and you could enjoy it endlessly. But for some reason, you rejected pride and began to train in giving your neighbor some kind of love. Maybe you should not spend such tiresome training? Maybe it’s worth to settle down your tension? Take a walk, go to the resort or to the sauna. And, in the end, forget about their desires to love some strange people. Do what you want, but do not love! Otherwise, you’ll pay much for your so-called love! You will be cruelly thrown off from knees, like a cat which wants to cuddle up to its loving master.”

The evil mind also tried to convince my mother and told her: “Love is hundreds of times shameful than your work, your figure, your voice and the work of your husband.” Although, everything was o.k. with these things, for some reason she still let this false suspiciousness visit her and it imperceptibly shamed love and tried to pull out the unconditional pure love from mom’s heart. It also happened in our father’s head.

I remember how we rode around the city with Artem in his car. Due to the fact that Artem was not well experienced in driving, he accidentally cut one car off, and the driver of that car caught us and opened his windows, told Artem everything that he thinks about him, and also remembered our mother and unacceptably insulted my brother. After this incident, Artem’s love and good relations to all people and to our father have faded away. And, of course, after this moment our father was out of conceit with Artem, looking at his son with evil glance and thinking in his head: “Oh! Only absolutely crazy people ride like this!” Artem saw this glance and was really disappointed, because he always hoped that someday their relationship with father would be good and once he would be able to see the loving eyes of his father, and will be able to talk warmly with him on any topic.

But our father could not talk to his son for more than a minute, since his haughty blind mind could not understand that Artem was not the reason for his irritation, but he himself was, because he could not leave his annoyance, anger, psychosis and arrogant state of his heart.

Almost every day there was some kind of situation after which our father thought: “What an idiot you are! How can you be so stupid!”

Our father did not like Artem because he seemed empty, not independent, resentful, suspicious, cowardly, not intelligent, not adult, and so on. Our father respects people only for various achievements. At this moment he looks like a man who serves as a tasty morsel.

I do not condemn my father because I love him. I hope that my love will continue to heal him. Because every time after I visit my parents’ home, they change and become a little better. In fact if you constantly smear a purulent wound with good healing ointment the wound probably will be tightened and a person will become healthy. So, I hope my parents will recover completely some day. I really want that no one in the world has to face with what I and my brother had. Even now evil thoughts do not leave my father and continue to whisper the same words to him all the time: “You’re good, because you do not love people, do not give them love, do not tell them warm words. People become strong and independent without your love. Now you are doing well! If you go on to behave like that, then no one will pull you and distract you from your daily affairs. You chose the right attitude towards people. You’re mad at them, but they do not bite you. Perfect! Go on to be angry with them and do not love anyone! Well, as for your son, then treat him the way the inner state of your heart dictates to you!”

Not many people are able to win this battle and rise up after such an enemy intensified onslaught. Evil often dictates the following in the person’s head: “You will not be able to correct the situation. There is no turning back.” Evil thoughts continue to assert: “You will never manage to rise. Everything is so badly spoiled already and you can never fix the situation! It’s just impossible! Do not make up with others! And do not dare to say the words of apology to your son. You’re the father! And you’re always right! Well, you said something! Why do you need to apologize for this and get relationship back on track? I don’t know! It’s all over! And these very apologies for some meaningless words look just weird. And how can anyone apologize? When you apologize, you admit that you were wrong! Well, if you’re wrong, then you’re not smart! And how then can you ask for an apology, showing your son and other people that you are not smart at all! There is a question! And in general, screw you with your apologies. Will you be humiliated and ask for an apology or forgiveness?! What happened to you? And suddenly, when you ask for forgiveness, will people start looking at you very strange or will they remember the past and start to reproach you, telling that you were wrong?! Well, it’s enough. Go to the window, look somewhere and calm down! Everything is good! And, in general, probably, you are tired of all this philosophy of good and evil. What would you like to do, so that these thoughts about this strange incomprehensible love would not come to you! And do you remember how your cynical, angry, stupid neighbor told you a proverb that is written by life: ‘A man is a wolf to a man.’ Do you remember? You remember! And what do you want to change now? I don’t know! Your neighbor is an adult, sensible person, having a huge life experience behind him. Take his cue from, and he will teach you the truth… And do not refuse him if he offers you to drink!”

The evil mind constantly repeats the same thing: “Tit for tat! Always respond relevant for every humiliating word. Nothing serious, if you answer in several offensive words for one word; it’s the most acute, precise, stinging manner. Do not grudge words! Work! Those people who prefer to stop the quarrel, crossing over pride, anger and envy, are just nincompoops. Do you really want “normal” people to think of you as a nincompoop? Do not learn to stop quarrels and conflicts, but learn to calm down and finish a quarrel with accurate, sharp, humiliating words. When you step on somebody’s foot in a bus, do not be silent, but tell the person: “Look where you go! Are you blind?!” After all, in fact, the spirit of evil is very pleasant! How nice it to get angry with a man. When someone looks at you, you tell him: “Why are you staring at me? You do not need to train and think about how to love and become a person who irradiates a healing light. Evil can also heal! The next time a person will never step on your foot, and will not look at you with curiosity. You’ll be cool if you scare people away! When people find out that you are a kind person, they will offend you. Prepare for insults if you do not want to leave love! All people perceive good as weakness, so do not be friendly and kind. Shrink into yourself and live!!!”

The evil mind still explains and inspires my father: “Only women can love. A man who loves children, his mother, his wife and other people looks like a nincompoop, mama’s little son or a soft-hearted little man deprived of strong mind. A man should be a man. No tears, no love, no tenderness, no affection, and what is the most important, no kind sweet smile. A man, like the hero of an action movie, must be serious, should not pity, forgive and love anyone. He should never play with or tenderness and love with his child.”

But then the question arises: “If a woman expects a smile, caress, attention and love from her man, if every child expects the same from his father, then who will give them that all instead of a man and who will give that most expected love?”

And what can I say about my personal life? Recently I met one guy. He was physically handicapped. Many people who saw me asked the same question: “Why does she need this? It would be better if she would found a normal guy! She could grab a nice guy with her appearance and perfect physical data, but she communicates with this handicapped person with small hands.”

But why do they say such words? I know what these people value; I know what they enjoy, who they humiliate and what they talk about. I know these people very well. I know more about them than they know about themselves. I know how they relate to people with congenital or acquired ugliness, and with physical disabilities. There is insecurity in themselves and their forces, fear of responsibility, lack of hope, mercy and love, fear of death, ridicule, bullying, misunderstanding and so on. Fear is the same enemy of love as pride, anger, envy, heart blindness and stupid evil thoughts.

We met with this guy in the city park, when I came back home after jogging. I went to the kiosk to buy water, but accidentally I found that I had forgotten the money at home. Suddenly that guy with small hands came up to me and said: “I noticed that you forgot money and you cannot buy what you want. Please take my money and buy what you need. Please!” After his words, an amazing tremor ran through my body. I felt some inner strong attraction to that guy. His face and figure were very handsome. The only things I’ve paid attention to were his hands. In a few seconds the following thoughts flashed through me: “Why do you need it? It’s just the guy who gave you money to buy a bottle of water. And what will your parents tell you? Did they dream about this? I do not know about your father, but your mother won’t be delighted with it! But your father will give you his consent without any doubt. Why do you think he will do so? Good question! There is something good in your father, like in every person, but it will take a long time to find out these good points and work out the algorithm of these good actions. Perhaps your mother will reconcile with your choice, because you’ve been trained her with your love for a long time, but she will secretly suffer inside for all her remaining life! Do not hold the guy! Let him go away!“After these thoughts, I said to this guy: “Thank you! You are very cute. What is your name? Are you alone here?” The young man answered:" My name is Dmitry! I’m here with my friends, I have many friends.”

In fact, his smile already made me become his friend. When I stood and talked with this guy, many people sitting on the benches looked at me and thought: “Why is a girl like her talking to this guy and smiling to him?” But simultaneously with these people, those malicious, evil thoughts pressed on me: “Do not talk to him. Why did you start to smile to him? Do you know what people think about you? They think that you are too kind. You look like a good teacher now. You should be ashamed of it. Stop smiling at him. All adults on benches think that you do not understand life. They think that you are standing now and boasting before him of your health and beauty. Many people think that you are still a little girl and have not yet learned to distinguish between romance and selfishness from real life. Get away from him and never again get acquainted with such guys, because the next time you will be full of bitter shame. Anyway, why do these people look at you with such an insolent look? Just look at them with the same embittered look and frighten them, otherwise you will just stand and smile. Come on! Do not get lost! Look angrily on those embittered people who do not know how to love. They behave inappropriately with such physically disabled people. At the end of their lives these people cry for several days at the funerals of their loved ones, and regret about their evil and grievances. They regret that they did not love their relatives. And even more they did not like other people with physical disabilities. Stop smiling, do not irritate people. And if you do not want to be angry with these people, then just adapt to them, removing your smile, because it’s bad not to respect people who look at you and think something!”

It may seem strange, but today all these shops in the park were completely occupied by people. This has never happened for several years of my jogs. Something prompted these people to come here and many of them, lying on the couch, caught some suspicious desire and said inside themselves: “Should not we go for a walk in the park?”

The evil mind added to me: “Look again, how these people look at you and feel what they think of you! They think why a full-fledged girl talks to this not-full-fledged guy.” Yes! All of them think about these people with different deviations like that. And you! Do not you think so?! Find an excuse to refuse to communicate with him and exit stage left. Yes! People, who sit on benches and look at you, live much better than you. Many of them came here to drink beer and take a stroll in the park. Somebody left his computer games and also decided to look into the park for a few minutes. And somebody left their quarrels and came here. Do you really think that you can’t live like that people? Beer, computer games, the necessary clarification of relations, the right view on people of the second class — this is a real easy flight of the soul. And what you do is not right. You do everything opposite. You are strange, maybe even crazy! You find problems everywhere. Your crazy love will bother you in future.”

Probably, exactly the same thoughts and inner mysterious desires are guided by parents of children, whom they give to orphanages only because they are born with some disabilities. Well, if there were no place to give his only innocent little baby, what should you do? If there were no one on the whole planet, except this child and his parents? Would the parents of such a child leave him somewhere outside or get rid of him in another way? Would they love him or expunge him from their memory for life?

My new friend with small hands told me a story about a boy whose birth was very much awaited by his parents. This boy was born with slight deviations of his right hand. The further fate of the boy was decided by a whole council, which consisted of two grandmothers, grandfathers, mother and father. As a result, it was decided to send the little child to an orphanage. They felt that they had hit absolutely the right path.

Similarly, many people believe that they live their lives correctly, releasing a little anger to each other from time to time.

Love wants to live permanently in a person. But evil does not want a man to live in love. Evil prefers to take the place of love. Evil says that short morning or evening angry speeches are absolutely normal. It’s like buds appearing on all trees in spring.

Evil thoughts often tell me: “Do not control your anger, it’s very hard! It’s easier to stop sneezing than to restrain your anger, and there’s no sense and necessity to deal with it.” When a person sneezes and some drool drop down on another person’s shoulder, then he just humbly wipes them off. Just like that, you can once or maybe several times a day “sneeze” with anger at somebody. You can even enjoy with it if you do not know how to diversify your boring life. There are many reasons for this. Someone has left something at home, someone did not remove the shoes from the passage, someone stepped on the flowers, someone loudly slammed the car door, someone does not keep up with you with his slow little steps, someone cannot remember your words from the first time, etc. There are too many reasons, there are millions of them, but there’s only one thing left for you — to get angry and annoyed at the whole world. You should be irritated by absolutely everything that surrounds you!”

The evil mind added to me: “Everything is fine with you. You are successful, beautiful; you have a work and health. Why do you need some kind of love there? Look, how many times you have told people about love, hoping that they will become better some day. And what is the result? Stop it! Loving is difficult! Isn’t it much easier to offend a person, without thinking about anything? After all, man is a wolf to man. Many of you tell it to each other all the time, don’t you? Perhaps such people want to make the world better by these words! Well done! Let them keep saying such words, enjoying the consequences of their beautiful words. You are not in the same boat, and every person is a terrible wild beast to another person. Every man for himself in this life, and you should not be worried with the problems of other people. Leave your love once and for all.”

A few years ago, evil thoughts tried to completely master my mind and formed a servant from me. The evil mind told me without interruption: “Look, what crazy people are they: street-cleaners, plumbers, company workers, postmen, sellers, cleaners, cooks, nurses, drivers, miners and all other people. You should become a high achiever, and these poor people of the second-class are created to serve the highflyers. Accordingly, the attitude to these people of the second-class should be corresponding. You are special and you are better than all these people. They all owe you something, but you never owe anything to anyone! Before speaking with a person, you need to find out what he has achieved in life and who he is by his profession, since why you should communicate and even become friends with a simple worker who is needed just to be abased. They are not like you at all, aren’t they? They are not reasonable. If these slaves don’t do something for you in time, then you just do a dissatisfied face, yell at them and begin to insult them in anger, because they are able to understand something only in that manner. If you love them, they will not be afraid of you! You will love, you will be deceived! Do not fell in love with anybody! Be always in an evil strain! What else should you do? You can still hate your neighbor and take revenge on him tenfold for anything. Believe me, he is worthy of it! Well, you can also reject one of your girlfriends! Remember something bad and say good-bye to them in your heart.

But thoughts of love told me: “Oh! If you loved all people every second and never insulted anyone with words, deeds, gestures, or glances… I want you never to blow up any quarrel; I want you never to talk about people badly and not slandering them behind their backs. I really want to live in you. Please, choose me! Just think, if you love evil, then you will be proud to talk about every person behind his back. You will only satisfy evil with it. Well, if you choose love and can love people, then you will be like salt making food salty, you will be like a candle giving light to the world. Your love will have no limit. You will love people, and you will receive indescribable pleasure from it. Love lives forever and never disappears. Love is beautiful. All people expect love and mercy from you. Love is absolutely necessary for everyone. Love never dies. That would be great if you humbly loved. I love you very much. You hear? I love you! Be merciful, be friendly, and be happy!”

What is the purpose of man, if he follows the advices of evil, but not love? When I was younger, I was upset the whole year, because the thought that now I cannot do any evil, killed me. You cannot start bad rumors, you cannot be proud, you cannot be offended, you cannot humiliate people, you cannot quarrel, you cannot get drunk, you cannot be hysterical, you cannot revenge, and so on. At that time I asked myself a question: “What should I do if I cannot do anything at all?”

Evil said in my thoughts: “Your life and your interests will end on this! Why do you have to cast off something from which you get real pleasure? Do not look for something new. Life in anger, pride, cynicism and endless psychosis is the only pleasant occupation. Even now, when you have not been arguing with your mother for a whole year thanks to your efforts, you are bored and can hardly restrain anger for all the faults of your mother and for all her unacceptable words addressed to you. You could just lash out at her, and enjoy the full verbal assassination of your mother.”

To be honest, inside of me I experienced an incredible destruction, where hatred, anger, pride, irritation, psychosis and affection to infightings had to be completely replaced by love. For a long time I could not understand how you can love those who humiliate you, those who offend you. How can you say the words of love to those people who try to offend you, taking into account your weak spots? This question I asked myself every day! But then I realized that in a human there is only one place for holy love or dark evil! If someone offends love, then it responds with love and affectionately calms the person. But if an evil person is hurt with insulting humiliating words, then, without restraining anger and fearing consequence, he takes out all his inner blinding evil darkness with pleasure. Earlier I also did not understand one thing, when Artem fell and broke his finger, my mother began to calm him down and pack his stuff for the hospital, and my father came up and almost with all his might stroke him on his nape with his huge hand and angrily said: “You need to watch where you’re running! He makes me furious!“I also did not understand a woman who was annoyed and angry with us because we just ran along the street past her house without even giving a happy child’s voice, and one old man, on the contrary, was very happy when we ran out on the street! I did not understand why many schoolchildren kept mocking a girl in our school whose legs were not like the others, but only a few classmates looked with pity, compassion and love at her. But surprisingly, there was no one who could come to the defense of her. Maybe one of them wanted to intercede for her, but then he thought: “What if something goes wrong? Suddenly, I will be rejected by the society of my “friends” or something worse! And I can come in for a lot of trouble together with her!” Recently, I also did not want to come to the defense of those who are not like the others. Now I know that I did not do the right thing, but fear, uncertainty and embarrassment acted against me, as a result of which I lost then. After that, I was tormented in my heart and said inside myself: “Why didn’t I help this girl? Why did not I come to the defense of her? Now I live and suffer, knowing that I was frightened and retreated!”

As I said before, when I was young, inexperienced, irritable and unhappy, I looked at all people with an angry, condemning gaze. People were the objects of evil for me. My heart was infected with evil, and I gradually became a kind of mentally ill person.

One day I went to buy something in one of the grocery stores. When I walked up to the counter, I saw that the seller had gone somewhere. I immediately got furious. When I saw the saleswoman who came out from the pantry room, I saw at her discontentedly making her clear that I was really angry because she was absent for some time. When she began to weigh products I continued to gaze intently at her. I didn’t understand what pain and hurt the seller felt within. Only I received the pleasure enjoying this madness and anger. And leaving the shop I turned my head slightly back and threw off, “If I waited you, the world would end.”

Once at my work I also needed to leave for one minute. As a result, one angry grumpy man with a nest of madness, stupidity and evil in his head expressed everything he thought about me, about my attitude to work, about our organization, about my boss and even mentioned my mother. I didn’t shout any rude words in answer, I was just terribly hurt and unpleasant. Then he turned around, made a dirty look and went to the door, muttered something offensive. Only after this incident I realized what that seller felt. I wish I had thanked her because she was dead on her feet helping people and giving them the necessary products. I wish I had thanked her for selling products and putting them on the shelves simultaneously. Why did I start to become angry, irritable and an unscrupulous person? Can they be genes? Maybe just the iteration of my father and other people? And there may be an emptiness, stupidity, not maturity and ability to think logically about the consequences of my behavior? Some other mental problems? Maybe everything taken together, like a sharp set of knives in a beautiful wooden stand.

Evil mind kept telling me: “You can’t try to get rid of evil. You may be half of love and half evil. If you stay half, then everyone will be happy! It would be completely normal! Because the Golden mean has always been popular! Look around and you will see that people don’t like those who have no evil! How do they accept such people? You are right. They seem to feel that you are some sort of super-kind and nasty. Now everyone likes another view, like the view of the cool movie star with cigarette between his teeth and oblique repellent super-cool look that exudes confidence and power. Even if there are no cigarettes in his teeth, it means he is just a cool athlete (fighter) and his proud steep view is also on a high note!”

And I remember another story. Artem came to me and said that at their school there’s one guy who’s afraid of hitting back. Everybody thought less of this guy. Artem told me that he was not like him and added that he also didn’t respect him because he’s so weak and cowardly, and they called him “Rag”. In response I told Artem, “Rag” is a hurtful word. But the weak are the ones who oppress the weak instead of protecting them from stronger attackers. And moreover, the offenders themselves are unlikely ever to attack someone who is much stronger than them. Please understand this and never support someone who oppresses the weak… But on the contrary, protect the weak…!” After my words Artem presented in his mind the guys he would have had to face, protecting the weak, and said himself: “Oh, please no. I might get hurt.”

Next day putting aside all my thoughts I went for jogging in the park once again. At the entrance I saw that guy with small hands. He was dressed in a sportswear. He sat on the bench and looked around. On seeing me he immediately came up and said, “Hello, may I jog with you? Don’t see that I have such small hands. Imagine that you will run with the mighty tyrannosaur Rex. The kids at school teased me so because of my hands.” Then he said, “Run, don’t be embarrassed, don’t be shy and don’t look around. Run with me, then it will be easier to walk beside me through the streets. I won’t complain to you on my life. Let’s talk about something good and enjoy a sunny day, and then I’ll treat you to the most delicious ice cream”. Oddly enough, I didn’t even notice the glances of people passing by, and just feel in a boat in the middle of the lake! I didn’t pay any attention to his hands. When we ran in the park he was called by his father. He asked him: “How are you doing son? Is everything all right? If you want, come tonight to visit us! I love you so much!”

On the face of this guy, called Dmitry, was a radiant healthy smile. This guy was completely saturated with the love of his father. If our father had ever said the same to Artem and me, looking at us with his warm sweet look.

I immediately remembered how once our father came to us and said, “Hello my children!” Naturally, the father did not say the words “my favorite” because words of love are spoken from the heart. Because sooner or later people will get tired of flattery. And subsequently he will be silent or he will get angry and upset and say hurtful words. Then Artem asked me: “Why was our father not always like now? Why is he always angry and irritable?” I was not able to answer this question, but only said that our dad should be totally healed from all evil. We just needed to continue to love him and to wait for some time. Artem was not filled with this unconditional love by both of his parents. Once he even cried on my shoulder, saying, “My mom and dad don’t love me. Father offends me and mom doesn’t forbid him to do this. She’s just sitting, looking somewhere and says nothing to our father!” On hearing it our father said angrily: “You are some kind of dude, who will you become? I don’t know!”

Everything was different in Dmitry’s family, opposed to our one. Perhaps, his parents began to treat him with love because of his hands. Probably, seeing his suffering, they eventually found a remedy that gave him hope, joy, peace, peace and love. I imagine what would happen with this guy now if his parents did not say to him several times a day the phrase: “I love you!” What would have happened to him if they had not hugged him, communicated with him, and didn’t tell him the words of love, as it happened in our family. If Dmitry had inadvertently trampled the fruitful bush, would his father or grandfather run after him in the garden, so that he fell faced to the ground and broke something, since his hands would not help him in the fall?! But it often happens that a healthy child unintentionally breaks something and suffers from severe pain. But if it can be, then why do not parents become beloved friends with their children?

A few years ago there was no love in me. I had everything except love. My upbringing, communication with friends, bad songs and bad films helped me to degrade and to explain to me that lies, anger, pride, envy, revenge and all the rest of evil are such things, without which a person cannot live. But love says: “You should live without these things. Otherwise it will not be love anymore. Only the problems appear from the components of evil.” For some reason it seemed to me previously, and I was sure for one hundred percent in one formula of life: “I can offend people, but they in no case can offend me.” A few years later my formula sounds like this: “It’s better to let them hurt me than I offend anyone. I will try to love everyone who offends me!”.

For several years I said to my brother: “Do not look at a group of guys from our city who roam the streets and look out for someone to offend or beat. Do not watch films that teach insane things. Do not look at our father and do not follow his lead. You do not have to walk in insanity, anger and murmur. You should be in love, mercy and strong mind. People will only wait for the love that they need so badly. They rarely talk about this, but they always expect only merciful love. Sometimes people cannot put it baldly. Some of them do not understand it yet, some are just shy but they always need it. Wherever you go, remember one thing: you have to bring people only light, people always expect only good from you. A bus or taxi driver expects only good from you. So do vendors in the store, random passers-by, bosses and subordinates small children, tired mother and father. Everyone expects only love from you. If you lose love, look for it and return it. Remember! Nobody ever expects anything wrong from you. Your future wife also does not expect you to be treated badly. She does not expect a bad attitude before your wedding, neither does she and after it. Neither young children, nor adults and old people expect anything bad. You also have to remember one very important thing. You should always love people, without any criteria. Skin colour and hair colour are not important neither are the profession and public position. It does not matter whether the person works or not. It does not matter what kind of income a person has. Does he provide his family and himself with a living wage or does he have several millions of foreign currency-linked units on his accounts. Man’s age and his body-build are not important. It does not matter whether a person has arms and legs or maybe he does not have them at all. It does not matter whether the person is a disabled in a wheelchair or completely recumbent. It does not matter how much people offend you and slam, you should love them. If your mother, father, brother, son, wife, daughter, neighbor and casual passer-by offend you or yell at you — it all does not matter, continue to love them. Of course, many people like to provoke a quarrel, because they lure you out so that you deal with them in the matter that they like to do most of all, namely — to find out the relationship, to assert yourselves over you, raise voice, and maybe someone will provoke a fight. Do you remember our father? Do you remember how he reacted to all your mistakes? What did you feel? So why should you react in a similar way to the failures of other people? “For several years I was chewing upon all this to him and constantly teaching something new, but of course for several years Artem continued to watch contemporary feature films that taught quite the opposite.

Artem didn’t take offense at me and didn’t tell: “Why do you teach me?!” He sat and listened to me quietly because I didn’t speak to him offensively. I spoke humbly with a benevolent look and without condemnation.

The process of my transformation from an angry person to a kind one could be divided into several stages. The pre-last stage was the most interesting and amusing. When I have understood that it is necessary to love people, but not to hate them, inspired and full of hops I began to tell to other people: “How wonderful it is to love, to forgive, to be on friendly, to help to overcome difficulties and so on. It is perfect not to take offense and to offend nobody!” From outside I looked like the fanatic of life who teaches others how to live, but never lives as recommends to others. I have understood it later. I have understood that I taught, but I didn’t live as I taught.

My grandfather also told us that we should love our grandmother, but I did not understand why our grandfather offended our grandmother from time to time. I thought that probably grandfathers can offend grandmothers. Looking at our grandparents and parents we have exactly adopted all the habits, gestures, glances and obscene words. I even remember how mother’s friends taught me to swear and how they laughed and gave me some beer when I was only five. Of course, they did it secretly from my mother. But when she found it out, she was not upset. During my young life I took a lot of bad things from my parents. To say frankly, it was not so easy for me to refuse many things. Some of them I could not even identify in myself for several years. But everything is clear with my previous life! And what is with the new one?

My new friend invited me on a trip to the sea with his parents! Dmitry told me then: “We have a small house on the sea coast. I and my parents would be very happy, if you would like to join us.” I answered: “I need to think.”

That man did not consider himself an invalid. He lived a completely full and joyful life. I knew that he liked me very much, and, in my opinion, he wanted to marry me. His eyes betrayed him! I was not against his proposal, which was written on his face! What or who gave him such confidence, hope, joy, peace, love and strength?! After all, not many quite healthy people experience such joy and are grateful for what they have.

When we came to visit his parents, his father happily approached us and asked: “Who is this amazing girl? Come in, please. Do not be embarrassed! In this house nobody tells anyone bad things, only good and pleasant things are said here, so all people who visit our home feel very good, warm and cozy.”

Dmitry’s mother abruptly interrupted her husband and added: “Do not pay attention to this great joker, in fact there were misery and misunderstandings, quarrels, insults, pain and crying in this house. There were thousands of questions in this house ‘why’ and ‘for what’. We do not know what the morrow has in store for us, but we know if we are afraid of it, then all of us will just go crazy. We worried about Dima’s life, because he was distressed for his future. And so did we. When Dmitry was born, I looked into his eyes, which told me: ‘I came into this world, and I want to be happy. I’m your child, and you’re my mother! Do not hurt me. We need each other. You must love me very much.’ My son told me about you. He said that he cannot conceal anything from you. He said that you like to communicate directly, without guile and falseness! He also said that you love to love people and feel pity for them, love to help them, love to forgive them, love to response with love to any offense, love to console a person when he has to lose everything and gets annoyed by everyone. You’re amazing. You have a big heart. Can I ask you a question?”

I answered Dmitry’s mom: “Of course you can. Please, ask! “Victoria Sergeevna asked: “How did you become such a perfect girl?”

I answered her: “I’ve never had enough of this love. So I decided to find out why this happens so often and why it happened to me? Why do people live without love? Why do they live without what God created them for?” Victoria Sergeevna answered: “How quaint! Did you come to it by yourself? Was it your personal decision to seek love? Did you start to break and refine yourself?! You’re amazing. But, I think, our spirit of stubbornness was tamed and humbled with our son’s illness. Well, why am I holding you on the doorstep? Come in, please. Would you like some tea?”

I answered: “Yes, why not!”

After the conversation we went to the living room. Huge white sofas, marble floors and carved wooden ceilings. Perhaps they expected to hear from me something else, but when we sat down I decided to say what they needed: “You know, when I saw Dima for the first time, I immediately wanted to see the very people who warmed their son with love for all his life, and I wanted to say that your son loves you very much. Thanks to your love he lives now. You filled him with this love; you gave him this true love. I love you too, as your son loves you. You have a beautiful son. Thank you for this love. Can I hug you?”

After a few seconds, the eyes of Dmitry’s parents filled with tears and they began to cry.

I cannot say that Dmitry’s mother throughout her life was filled with humility, patience and love for a hundred percent, as she was a proud and wicked woman. Each time her pride and anger faded when she thought of the hands of her son. But still, several years ago when she had worked, deep inside herself she heard a voice of anger and pride, constantly telling her: “You’re not like everyone else.” Do not forgive anyone and do not ever praise anyone. Always try to humiliate others a little bit, thereby slightly showing them who they really are… And these young silly girls, who came to you to work recently, mustn’t tell you a single word. And if they say, then it’s a trouble. Oppress them as hard as you can, especially the girl, who had offended you once. You have already transferred her to another department and cut her salary. Wait until you are completely satisfied with your revenge and anger, and then upend, dismissing her from work. But do it then, and now gnaw her awaywith all your strength, means and leverage. And who is she to offend you? Walk her down and what is the most important nail her to the wall. And let the other workers look at you and know that you are a serious woman and it is prohibited to joke with you.”

Problems with the hands of her son slightly muffled her anger and pride, but did not eradicate them so far. Sometimes the indicators of anger and pride lighted up, so that the other employees at her work became pale and some of them even suffered from arrhythmia.

We did not manage to enjoy the sea with Dmitry. Victoria Sergeevna said that she felt seedy, and Dmitry had to go on a business trip for three months. One employee of their firm was fired, and only Dmitry could replace him. At that time, I jogged alone every day, and in the evenings I stayed at home and studied books on economics and some other subjects. Sometimes my mother came to visit me, and we could not communicate for more than an hour. Then she said to me: “Okay, I’ll go home, my daughter! I have a vast of house chores! I am busy as a bee and have no time to rest. Okay, bye!”

Poor mother! She has been working at the company for all her life, where the work schedule was very difficult. She often had to work on nights and evenings. At the same time, my mother withstood three difficult operations.

After some time, Dmitry’s mom felt worse, and Dima asked me to come and support her and give her some comfort.

One day I went to visit Victoria Sergeevna after work. She was very surprised to meet me on the threshold of her house.

— Hello! Nice to see you! Come in, please — she greeted me surprisingly.

— Dima asked me to come and help you and to support you with communication, — I said entering the house.

— You shouldn’t have! I’m able to manage with all the chores. We have a gardener and two housekeepers. Well, thank you for the conversation — the woman answered and added — but I still do not know why he drew you away from your work.

A few minutes later, I heard that she started to show her displeasure. She was angry and swore at the workers of her house, uttering very insulting and unacceptable phrases. I can’t say that it annoyed the workers. On the contrary, she suffered from a disease that had a chronic form and annoyed her for several years, and because of which she even lashed out at people! Victoria Sergeevna does not know that endurance and patience are integral parts of love! What do her workers think of her now? What she satiates them with? Is it love or resentment? A person saturates the people around him with what lives in his mind.

In a few seconds, I felt that evil thoughts come to my mind and told me the following: “This woman does everything right. The worker was guilty, that’s why she yelled at him. Moreover, she is justified in taking it out because of her constantly annoying illness. You must agree with her and play along with her, smiling or nodding. Her behavior can be understood, and her house, interior and social position just says for her: “Play along with my spiteful despair that will offend these workers.”

In a matter of seconds, Victoria Sergeevna turned to me and said with a smile: “I always need to raise my voice to these workers, because they do not want to understand anything. They are not like you and me. They understand nothing! They are people of limited intelligence.”

Previously Victoria Sergeevna was a manager of one of the major companies, and wrote several interesting instructive books about life, economics and business. Now she does not write because of her illness.

I said, looking at her with love: “You should not treat your employees like that. You hurt them. Our diseases do not give us the right to offend people! We should love people.”

A second later, Victoria Sergeevna looked at me and thought: “Who are you to say something to me? And what do you know about the diseases, silly girl!” But after a moment her teeth clenched in pain, and she calmed down a bit and answered: “Perhaps, you’re right, Elena.”

After this conversation, Victoria Sergeevna stopped saying offensive words to others, but she did not really want to communicate with me anymore, because her illness was troubling her, and that was one more reason for her angriness. But very often she said in her heart: “Suffering is also very pleasant. I experience some kind of pleasing humility, and my heart almost cries. It is pleasant and painful at the same time. However, why do I need this pain? I would have coped with my character myself. I lived a good life. I do not know the seeds of my disease, and the reason that my son was born with such hands?” Simultaneously the following thoughts flashed through her mind: “Do not place Elena above yourself, she is just a young inexperienced girl, and you are the very reverse of her.

Of course, many spiritually blind people can affirm that they are of a normal nature and they would easily endure resentment from other people and could change their character, but as practice shows, many people cannot live without auxiliary humility and always respond with a fierce anger at any insult and begin to pursue with anger those who are more or less affected than they are by telling them a pair of some unpleasant words.

Going together by a beautiful wooden stairs upstairs, I told Victoria Sergeevna: “I love you so much! I know that you want to be alone, but at the same time, I know that a person does not want to be alone. You are a very good mom and a wonderful wife to your husband. I just came to you of my own accord to help you, sympathize with you and stay with you for a while. If you want, I’ll sleep in the next room, so, you will not be alone. Well, if you feel worse or you have no one to talk to, then call me. I’ll help you. I will be happy to help you.”

After my words the woman doubled up with stomach ache and slightly lowered her head. At that time Dmitry’s mother realized that there was not a simple girl in front of her, but a wise young lady. For a few seconds she even could not look at me because she was spending that time to glorify the same love that she needed then and there with her silence. She experienced pain in her stomach and felt my love at the same time. She could not look at me, because she was ashamed for her behavior. A minute later, the pain passed and she sat down on the bed.

— I’ve never met such people like you, — said Dmitry’s mother and then added: — I have never heard love expression said wholeheartedly! Nobody ever told me that loved me! I have never been so happy as I’m now! I’ll apologize to the workers, and I’ll bring them something for tea! Lena, please, excuse me. I will be very happy if you lay the table for my workers, while I apologize and invite them to tea. Or maybe you’ll apologize to them for me, otherwise I will not have the strength to go downstairs. Oh, no. I should apologize to them by myself. And you also, please, forgive me! Yesterday I cried all night realizing that my husband had a hard time loving me all his life. I know that I was a tough cookie. But I needed love. Once my husband told me: “How can I love you?!” Therefore, Lena, excuse me, I…” The woman could not speak anymore because at that moment tears were running down her cheeks and weeping made her voice tremble, so it was difficult to say something. In a minute she calmed down a bit and added through tears: “I’m very bad! How could they love me?! Tell me, how could they love someone like me?! And I really need love! How my family and all the people from whom I bleed dry, could love me?! Forgive me, Lena! You’re very good… You love me! You love people! And as for me…” The woman continued to cry, and then, bursting into tears, she said:" Forgive me, Lord!”

Victoria Sergeevna did not want me to leave her. She did not know me at all, but she knew that she lived in my heart. Nevertheless, she asked me to spend a night in the bedroom next to hers. She was hurt by her illness, but she was happy that I was in her house next to her. She was warmed by my love.

In the evening Victoria Sergeevna went into her bedroom, and the following evil thoughts wandered in my head: “Well, what a trouble you stirred up! You left the jog and complied with Dima’s request. Now you’re here! You made them feel your love. But still you embarrass them with your love and make these evil stupid people better only for a while! People, people, and people again! Are not you tired of that word? It’s better to say: evil people, evil people, and evil people again. And how can you love such spiteful and insane people? Let all evil people live as they want. You do not need to love them. Your love will not help them, and if it helps, it will be minority! And in a couple of weeks, or maybe even in a few days they get back to their previous state! You are tired! Go home and leave this occupation to someone else. Because it is difficult to overcome embarrassment and pride and it is hard to tolerate all these people! Someday you’ll break your spirit, and your love will extinguish once and for all. You just have not seen real life and real evil people yet, and love cannot soften their stone hearts, which start shining only when they feel the smell of money, salt sea and strong drinks. You’re just like them. Remember what a girl you were before. Soon they will understand it, because it is impossible to hide what you have known before. Someday it will come back and overcome you. You are bad, very bad and wicked! People’s mind cannot be changed! Believe me! You will not be able to love bad people. Look at this woman, who has been humbled for all her life by the illness of her son and now she is humbled with her own illness… If it is healed, what’s then? You’ll never set foot in that house, won’t you? Even now it is clear that this lady can be humiliated only in her mind, and her heart still wants to give out its own inner discontent and anger to people. She is very proud, but unfortunately, now she has nothing to be proud of and she seems to be restrained. But if they had everything perfect, then she would have said about you behind your back: ‘She is not like us!’ Victoria Sergeevna is not like her husband at all… Dmitry’s father is much kinder and more humble than this impudent woman with a grumpy proud heart. The love of her husband constantly helped her to restrain her anger, irritation and pride. It is impossible to love people like her. You need to spend your time on love.”

A few minutes later, thoughts of love floated through my head: “When you stop loving, love cries bitterly, suffers and disappoints. When you are angry with people and with everything that surrounds you, love suffers unbearably and makes you cry bitter! Love keeps telling you: “Don’t hurt! Please, love! Look at these people, aren’t they beautiful? They all need love. All these people are alive, and they need love. Don’t dismiss love, otherwise it will fall ill again and cry.

I really want to create my own family! I want to have children! I want to love them! I want to love my husband! I want to be happy with true love!

Dmitry often called me to tell a pair of kind words. I was pleased to communicate with him. I must admit, I was glad that he was rich. But that was not the only reason I communicated with him.

I constantly visited his mother. Once, when I came to her house, I saw how hurriedly she opened the front door, and then I heard:

— You think I do not know what you need from Dima, don’t you? — she exclaimed — I do not trust you! You’re too smart! Or maybe you want to get a piece of the pie and dump Dima? No offense intended, but I know your intentions! — said Victoria Sergeyevna.

— You can ask Dima, and he will tell you that I was willing to meet him when I did not even know that he was so rich — I answered calmly and with love.

— Maybe you just waited to know how much he earns, — retorted the angry lady. — And, in general, what are the motives of a healthy young lady, when she cast her lot with a rich disabled person?! Am I wrong? May be that wealth helped you to make a choice? Tell me honestly, I’ll understand! After all, we are adults, why should we dissemble?!

— I’ve been looking for a long time for a man, whom I could just love, understand, and who would never offend me!” With whom I would feel comfortable wherever I am and who would become very dear to me! And as for his hands, it neither bother me, nor scare me, — I answered in a calm tone.

— It’s clear, I’m sorry! I asked it in order to calm myself! — said Victoria Sergeevna in response.

— It’s all right, — I answered.

An evil mind said to me: “This lady is stupid and proud! Your mind cannot be compared with hers. Maybe you’ll slowly move from love to pride? See how they attack you. Will you tolerate resentment and humble yourself before her? Pride is looking forward to you! Enjoy pleasant pride. Punish her the same way she hurt you. And in general, something is not right with this woman, as well as with other people. You said that you love her, you spent the night in her house, but what about her? Why does her outburst of anger pour out on you? Can intelligent and loving people do this? It’s not clear why you chose the path of love?!” But I was not interested in pride and other evil, because I do not want to offend people. I want to love them and will keep on loving them.

A month later we planned to marry with Dima. Finally, this moment has come. I’m just happy to have such a person as Dima next to me! He is smart, handsome and beautiful both out and in. Once he told me: “I love you very much and will never betray you. Believe me. I’ve been waiting for you for many years.”

While Dmitry was away I watched a show about a guy who was an invalid. He was asked: “What helped you not to break down and find a reason for hope?” His answer was simple: “Every day my parents told me that they loved me very much. They smiled at me, rejoiced with me, and what is the most important, they loved me very much! I knew that they loved me very much, and I really love them.” Some people in the studio began to cry. One woman took a microphone and said: “Today I will come home and embrace my relatives and tell them how much I love them!” But the question arises: why only today this woman, coming home, will tell her relatives that she loves them?!

But even now an evil mind knocks me down and continues to tell me: “Love is not for ordinary people! Disabled people are easier to love than ordinary people. Because an absolutely healthy person has to work hard and take care about someone else. Persons with disabilities focus their mind only on the spiritual, namely love, charity, good deeds, compassion. Healthy people focus their mind on the material provision of their flesh. That is, work, cleaning, washing, cooking and so on. So, everything is fine with this woman, who decided to tell her relatives about her love. Tomorrow her emotional lift will disappear and she will return to her usual affairs without love. Healthy people need to focus on work, not on love. Why don’t you understand! Love is only for physically diseased people. It does not face to healthy people. Healthy people grow up dependent and naive from love”.

Evil thoughts do not want to retreat, and they try hard to get me out of love. Evil uses the most powerful weapon from its arsenal and constantly undermines its sharp ax.

Dima also told me that he saw many different disabled people with whom it was impossible to communicate. Many of them could also offend a man, as well as healthy people could offend him. Dima met healthy people who gave him and other people their warmth, care, communication, joy and smiles with tender love.

Evil tries to consume it, unnoticeably for the person himself! Evil often says that a person cannot be a good father, cannot be a good husband, cannot be a good grandmother or a good grandfather. Often, evil tells a person through other people, killing faith, hope, love and self-confidence. Evil exerts a strong pressure on good and love, saying these words: “You can’t be saint in this world, do not even try! This is silly! All of them are normal guys, but you’re not that kind. You’re like a black sheep among the white ones. You and only you are not like everyone else. Your friends have been telling you about this for years. Are not you ashamed? “But love also has something to fill a person with. Love says these words: “I’m glad that you have me inside. You do everything right, if you love. And you’re not a black sheep among the whites. This is not true! You are special, you are unique, you are individual, and if you are told the opposite, this is not true!”

Time passed, and there was only a month to prepare for our wedding. Dima’s mom felt a little worse. When she got very ill she called me and said: “Forgive me for asking you such a question about money, and forgive me for my tone. I should not have done this. Money is nothing. Thank you for being so good, always be like that, just love again and again. I’m so sorry that I told you before!”

Apparently, Victoria Sergeevna felt achy all over. If she had not been sick and her son had had normal hands, then they would have turned me from the door for sure, and hardly anyone would apologize for his tone and words. If today someone gives this woman health, then I do not know whom she will turn into after a while. I’m very sorry for her. Honestly, sometimes I’m scared when my cell phone rings and her phone number lights up. For some reason it seems to me that some psychosis, humiliation, vicious words, insults and resentments may sound during our telephone conversation again. I’m not willing to answer the phone call, as if trying to take the hedgehog with my bare hands. Obviously, this person doesn’t satisfy people with love. What is it that saturates them then? But today we need to visit her again. I work out a little at home, and then I’ll go to her. My mother also began to complain of some ailment recently. I’ll go and see her later.

If you ask some people: “What are you irradiating? What do you give to your neighbor, love or hate? Do you say offensive words or do you give sweet words instead of grievances?” Many of them will understand everything at once, looking at themselves and the neighbor.

What should a person do if he is hated? Should he hate in return? No! What should a person do if he is severely offended? Should he offend in return? No! On the contrary, he must multiply holy love to him! But, alas! Many people destroy love and try to take revenge on their offender, cursing and blaming him.

A few days after visiting Victoria Sergeevna, I and my brother Artem went shopping to the city by his car. He did not notice the warning signal of the traffic light and hit another car in the rear wing at the intersection, passing on the prohibition signal of the traffic lights. Three guys came out of the car and wanted to set upon with blows with my brother. I got out of the car and just stopped them, saying: “We are very sorry for what happened and we admit our guilt! My beloved single brother, just did not notice the red signal of the traffic light, I distracted him. Excuse us, please!” After these words, the guys stopped and rooted to the ground. One of them even said: “Okay! The main thing is that everyone is alive and well, and we’ll fix the iron.“Another man looked at me and thought:" What a sweet girl! I have never seen such a cute and beautiful girl in my life!” I needed to hold out until the end of the whole trial of the accident, showing my patience and sobriety. Artem, for some reason, decided to hit one of the most expensive cars at the crossroads. One man looked at me for a long time with the aim of finding something bad in me or just to make sure that there was nothing bad in me. This man came to me in a couple of minutes and, feeling my attitude towards them, pulled out his purse, took out money and said: “Let your brother fix his bumper, headlight and wing!” I answered that man: “You are a very merciful and generous man. I really appreciate that you are offering assistance, but I think that we must repair my brother’s car ourselves. I believe that this will teach us next time not to look around and not to talk in the car, but teach to look at signs and traffic lights. I do not want other good people to suffer because of us. I do not want them to go to insurance companies in their spare time and repair their cars. So excuse us again!” After these words the man took a deep breath, regretting that he and his friends hadn’t beat my brother, and regretting that he was standing and scanning me, in order to find something bad in me and condemn me. A second later, turning his face away from me a little, he said: “Okay!” And, taking a couple of large red notes from the purse, he put them on the seat of our car. Then this man asked me for my phone number. But there was still no call from him.

I did not have time to tell what happened to me when I was sixteen. One warm evening I went home, where I could not walk at all, and a car stopped next to me, and several guys dragged me into their car. They just beat me, and then raped. I do not know how I stayed alive. Why did this happen to me? Many girls who have experienced such violence are asked the same question. But they cannot give a clear answer to this question. I did not understand the meaning of this life. After the incident, I did not know how to continue living. It felt as though I had been broken in half. I could not walk down the street and could not look at men. I started to go crazy. This trauma of soul accompanies me to this very moment of my life. As for my abusers, I felt different feelings for them. At first there was fear, then anger, then I just cried out: “Who are they to break my life?” Then fear and distrust towards people came again. If earlier I said: “Poor people! Why should they serve time in jail? “Now everything is quite different. Many things immediately became clear to me. Finally, I realized what real violence is. Violence at school, domestic violence, violence at work, street violence, violence at the crossroads of crashed cars, violence of the body, violence of the soul, looks, smirks, pride, humiliation, ridicules, resentment, revenge! Violence and evil have always been real violence and evil. And where can we meet loving eyes?

The evil mind kept telling me: “All people are the same. How can you still love them? If many people with disabilities do not suffer from their shortcomings, would they become those who they are now?” I’m sure some of them, perhaps, would be in prison now, and many of them turned into an angry, cynical, psychotic, aching, unhappy and grumbling ones!”

Parents of guys who raped me, said to them: “Ignorance of the law is no excuse!” It would be better if they said something else, for example: “Who are your friends? Look, here’s the criminal code. You can wind up in jail for these crimes. You will injure yourself, your family, the person against whom the crime has been committed, and to his family, and finally the whole city will find out that you are an evil fool! Leave these guys and never be friends with them. These friends do not honor God and His law.” But alas, how to say such words with love to our children, if they are told absolutely other words without love, but with a proud grin, thinking at the same time:" What a stupid son I have! Go to your room and do not bother me to watch TV or raising glasses with liquid which is “sending my soul to the paradise!”

Once the girl with crooked legs, which studied at our school, tried to commit a suicide because of the constant ridicule and mockery of her. Unfortunately, none of the parents of those children, who mocked her, said: “There is a girl with legs problem in your school. She has a rough time of it! She suffers because of this. Never offend her, son! And tell your friends that they also should not hurt her! Then you will be heroes. She is the same person as you are. Love her as much as I love you. And when I ask the teacher, whether you teased her or not, and I hear a good answer, I will be very glad that I have such a son. Do you love your father? And daddy loves you! And her daddy loves her! So why do you hurt her and deprive her of inner joy? And do you know what she feels in such moments?”

Let’s get back to my life. I trusted Dima for 100% and I expected the day of our wedding. Dima told me that he would never stop loving me! But when he was on a business trip, he met a beautiful girl of his age. A great feeling arose between them and that was even greater than we had! There was one week before the wedding, so he decided to call me and say that the wedding will not take place. He explained everything very intelligibly and then said to me: “I’m sorry!” I said in response: “Why do you apologize? Everything is fine! If you are better off with this girl than with me, then I’m just happy for you. Be happy! And know that I’m not a jot or tittle feel aggrieved of you for your choice. I want you to be happy!”

Dima did not expect to hear such words said in a calm tone. I’m neither intrusive, nor embittered, touchy, hypochondriac, envious or stupid. I just love people. I always respect the choice of a person! I did not take offense at his mother or him. I must admit that the following thoughts ran in my mind: “Are there any girls who are more merciful than me? Are there girls who are not afraid to engage their lives with such people! Is there anyone in this world who loves Dmitry more than me? How could he sell me out like that? Who can be better than me?!”

Love always starves to love, embrace, forgive, console, greet, communicate, smile, not to take offense and appreciate every good minute. Evil tries to convince a person that all this is boring, strange and stupid. An evil mind tells me: “Evil will break your love! It will wean you to love people! Evil will give you an unbearable burden and your love will burst like a soap bubble! How many people believe in love? They are experienced in life, and you are still a little girl who does not know who a person is. Look how many old women who buried their husbands say with relief: ‘That’s it! I have my torture finished! I began to live a full life without him!’ It is not clear what else you still want to find!”

Evil thoughts never left me. The following thoughts constantly circled in my head: “You are the most intelligent girl in the world! Are you going to spend your genius on love of people? Direct your mind to another way. How can you live with such reason and experience? After all, such knowledge and experience automatically make you light a red indicator of pride! You are rather smart, beautiful, over-sensitive, over-aware, super-penetrating! Money, fame, respect, influence, pride, vanity — what could be better than this?! Is your love better than these things? Do not love anyone. Take care of anything else.”

Three weeks after our parting with Dmitry, I checked my email, since I did not check it for a long time, and I saw a long message, similar to a real letter. The author of the message was Dmitry. A part of the message was: “Hello Elena! I do not know how to begin. I’ll probably start by telling you about my mother’s death. Before the death my mother thanked you for your love and asked me to tell you these words after her death: “I’ve never met a person like you, Elena. After I met you I realized what real love exists. Dima met another girl and fell in love with her very much. Do not take offense at him. He’s very good. With all my heart I wish you to find your helpmate. I want you to continue to love, despite everything. Your love has helped me. It has revived me. The love that God has instilled in you cleansed me and gave me hope and peace. I want you to be happy. I do not want anyone to hurt you. I love you and I glorify God for your love. I told my friends how you talked to me and how I felt your love. They were surprised and listened to me with their mouths and eyes opened. I told them that I told you so, and you answered me quite differently. They were amazed and wanted also to meet such love someday. Continue to love all people. There is nothing more beautiful than love. I always did not have enough love, but who of people could love someone like me? My anger repelled them and incited only rage in people. I was loved only by three people. They are my husband, my son and my mother. My father was always busy with writing books and re-reading the same books a hundred times, and then my mother left him, saying: “Keep on act flakey “cause everybody tries to prevent you from writing and re-reading your smart books! You are insane and blind genius! “This is such a story with my father. But now I can say boldly: “I met another person who gave me true love. Now there are four people who really love me. I understand that you felt when you were told the following right before the wedding: “We cannot get married!” Well, goodbye Elena! I hope to see you sometime in my next life.”

After reading the letter, I realized that my love did not reach the finish line and this time it just broke like a dry stick. Victoria Sergeevna told in the letter that I should not take offense of Dmitry! But how can I take offense of those whom I love? How can I not call to the person I love for three weeks? I’d better to call her and say something at least! I should call her and say: “How do you feel?” I love you very much! “But it would be better if I came to her myself. What is it? Love only for myself? Why do not I want to take offense, but still, I’m offended? How is this possible? Now I regret it. I spent the night with Victoria Sergeevna in the next bedroom, and she cried from my love. And now, without noticing it, I concealed my grievance and expunged her family from my life because of the decision of her son! Why did not I call Victoria Sergeevna? Probably, I just rejected love and loved the proud resentment, rejecting other people.

I regret that Dmitry’s mother died without seeing me before her death. His mom did not hear from me such words: “I love you very much.” She was very sick and waited for these words. But everything would have been different now if I had visited her or would have just called her and told a few pleasant words. I wanted to call her, but my work, fuss, the mother’s illness, the emotional experience for an angry father who insulted my mother, and the grievance that was insinuating in me, removed my intentions about calling Dmitry’s mom. Why did not I call her? After all, somewhere deep inside, I heard the voice: “Call her and say these warming words!” No matter how I tried to justify myself, I will honestly say that “I” was offended by Dmitry and I grieved love because of this. And what is most terrible, his mother understood that I was offended. Why did I take offense at them? In my thoughts, I tried to justify myself, but still I made a mistake resenting them. After all, love does not take offense! But the evil mind and my insult, which constantly tried to justify itself, told me the following during those three weeks: “How could he betray you! You see, all people can betray. Why he promised you and did not fulfill his promise? What a thing to do! All people are the same. They are worthy of hatred, resentment, revenge and rejection. Do not love them. They rejected you and did not call you for these three weeks! You were right that you did not call them either. After all, if Victoria Sergeevna loved you, she, of course, would call you first. But since she does not call you first, then you never call her again. All the rich people are the same. Money and power spoil people and instill pride in them, no matter how hard people try to prove the contrary. You should not love anyone at all. After all, every poor person can become rich and at the same time become proud. And you can hardly ever find a common language with such a person, unless, of course, they have no common interests. You will soon understand it! Well, offense is normal!”

Of course, I understood with my mind that I should love these people, even if Victoria Sergeevna did not call for me all the time. She may have been completely unwell, during the last three weeks, and maybe she did not want to call anyone. Then why I was blind and looked at her through trial and offense, but not through love. I remembered her and thought: “Her son met another woman and did not keep his promise, and this very bad person named Victoria does not call me.” Perhaps, blindness and selfishness often take their places in the minds of imperfect and not experienced, stupid people, because we often watch films about war where a wounded soldier crawls slowly, but not all of us, of course, understand his pain and often say: “Well, you could crawl faster.” I remember that once my father sat near the TV and said: “Well, why do you run around the green field? Couldn’t you overtake him and score the ball?” Of course, sitting in the armchair in front of the TV, many feel the power and see everything only from one side. This is how I saw everything from one side. I understood that I should love, but can’t love till the end. I understood that I cannot be offended, but I was offended. I thought that if I did not take revenge on them, then I love them, but I made a mistake once again. I thought that quite apart from the fact that she was sick she could call me, but I made a mistake again, looking at everything completely from the other side. I considered myself clever and perfect, but I was still completely blind and not perfect. I understood that insult was a sin, but still the offense took its toll. Why did the insult blind me? Victoria Sergeevna was waiting for me and did not call me, just because she did not want me to see her in this condition. I really felt like I fell into a pit in which little black adders crawled, personified offense. But I struggle against insults, and unfortunately these little dark adders sometimes say to me: “Do you remember how she ran up to you and said:" Don’t you go around with my son because of money? You’re some kind of extra smart! Tell me the truth!” Do you remember how she sent you to apologize for her before the new workers? Do you remember how she looked at you unkindly? Do you remember how she always tried to seem fancy and prevented you from inserting a single word? Remember how Dima kept silence about his new girlfriend for almost a month, and then he ventured only to call you and say that there will be no wedding? And remember how they did not give you a penny, although they knew that you need money for the treatment of your mother?”

Only in time I realized that my struggle with resentment was at the level of the mind, and only with time all offenses on the heart level were replaced by love.

Time passed, and my life looked like a routine: home and work, home and work. A year later my mother fell ill and checked into the hospital once again. And my life passed in a mode — a house, a job, a hospital, a house, a job, a hospital. Lonely long days forced me to ask myself: “What is the meaning of this earthly life? Who will answer this question? Recollection of my mental trauma often drove me crazy. Probably, because of these experiences, my mom’s stay in a healthy state also decreased.

One day, lying on my bed, I remembered the kind eyes of one nice old man with a beard whom I saw once when I was seventeen. Those eyes looked at his daughter! There was not a drop of darkness in those eyes. Looking at them, I thought: “I also want to love people like he does! And I want to get the same love in return.” But after a while I forgot that look and my teenage heart began to fill with evil again, and as a result, I slammed the inner door and bitterly insulted my mother, accusing her in my fate. I said then: “If you and dad had brains, we would never have lived in this rough area.” But why did I mentioned the “area” and insulted my mother? It’s strange that I was so stupid a few years ago and I blamed other innocent people in my misfortune. But sooner or later our mind matures. A person learns to meditate and, of course, at this moment a brutal, impudent evil tries to take possession of a person again and again, by whatever means necessary! Evil does not tell something once to a person. Evil knows the weaknesses of a man, and tries to put the heat on them with all its might.

But now I have already grown up and do not offend my mother any more. After a while, my mother felt much better and she was discharged from the hospital. Then the hard times came and our wages became low and used to be delayed, and we began to spend our money in a different way, buying only bare essentials. After work I went in for sports every day. I never stopped engaging in sports activities. If I could not get to the park, then I trained in my apartment.

One fine evening, when I came home from training, my phone rang and an unfamiliar number popped up on the screen. It was the man whom Artem and I hit the rear wing in the car accident. It was one of those guys who wanted to hit my brother with his fists. He invited me to one of my favorite cozy cafes. I liked that cafe very much, because it always made a good impression on me. Our grandmother often took us there and entertained us with delicious vanilla ice cream. We met with Maxim, that’s the name of that man, near the cafe, and then we came in. He treated me to coffee and the most delicious ice cream. He was very kind and tactful with me. Having told a little about himself and his life, he asked me one question: “Would you like to act in a commercial of a new beer? Your beautiful figure and face just fit our project. I invited my good friend to my company to make an advertisement for our product. And can you imagine? All the girls who claimed a role in this advertisement could not help us for different reasons. Everybody seemed to sink through the floor. We can’t find anyone. This has never happened. One fell ill, the second one got into a car accident, the third one is in the department of neurology with depression, though she has everything. The fourth one married a millionaire and went to another city. Something strange is going on. Okay, you’ll get a huge fee for this advertisement. And you can even buy an apartment, a house or a new car. But wait, there is more. There are other projects for advertising light and strong alcoholic beverages and there are much more fees. Your appearance, charm and eyes are very suitable for these advertisements. My friend asked me to find someone, but I couldn’t, and two days ago I accidentally stumbled on your phone number and thought of you. I was at home, and suddenly a thought pops up in my head: ‘Call that girl from the crossroads.’ Probably, this is fate. Something really brought me here. The heavens really favor you and give you a real chance. We still have one vacant position in our company. The salary is very good. You’ll be the head of the department there. A very decent vacancy with a good salary was released recently. They will help you to get the point without any nerves. People in this department embody their ideas in life. They just sit and come up with various advertising labels. They choose drawings based on their preferences, which can then be seen in the form of a label on bottles of wine. They also promote the goods and make contracts. In general, it’s creative and nice. Well, what can you say? It is impossible to refuse such an offer. My friend totally relied on me, and I promised him that I should come through. Shooting will begin in three days, after your okay, and in a couple of days you will receive the entire fee. Well, if you do not trust us, then I can pay you one fourth of the advertising fee right now! Although, let me give you a half, take you home, and tomorrow morning my driver will pick you up and take you to the place.”

An evil mind told me: “Agree! What is the difference between beer, wine and other goods? What is the difference between advertising cigarettes and baby candies? Worldwide cigarettes, beer, wine, vodka and cognac are advertised! What’s wrong with that? But how interesting is it to invent something new. Very interesting! Agree! After all, you do not want this person to be disappointed in you and get failed before his friend, whom he promised in the near future to find a suitable person. And how uncomfortable it is to deny a desire of good and polite person to give you a large number of beautiful red notes and it is very uncomfortable to refuse the desire to take you home. Look how much time he gave you, calmly and intelligibly explaining everything! It is not convenient to refuse, is it? Agree! What is there to think about? Soon your poverty will end and you will have a completely different life. Don’t you feel this inexpressible euphoria of richness and don’t you imagine yourself on the beach with a tanned skin in some exotic warm country? Don’t you want to walk on warm sand with a glass of wine and catch the glances of men? It will be a real life. Not the same as now. Believe me! And your mother, of course, will be happy and proud of you. Just imagine your mother’s joy for a second. She will be delighted with such money and will meet her old age differently. Of course, your father is out of the question, because he is a spiritually dead man. And he does not exist in your mind. Although you can say: ‘My father is proud of me now!’ Well, all right! Father is father! But for the sake of your mother, a sick mother, you can agree and respond positively to such a proposal! Your sick mother will not have to go to work. Instead of work, she will walk along the streets and go to sanatoriums restoring her health. And you can build a two-story house with a beautiful carved wooden staircase like Dmitry’s mother had. And you can prove to your father that you are self-reliant. You will also be able to take revenge on your envious neighbor, who has everything better than your parents have.”

In a few seconds I asked Maxim: “For example, do you have any projects that would help to change the view of things and that would teach people something good?! We do not drink beer and wine, because it is harmful!” I received a displeased look and an answer to my question: “We do not have such projects! We have a beer and winery company and we need to find customers!” Maxim has never heard such refusals. Of course, blood was up inside Maxim, but still at the level of his mind he managed to suppress his discontent and answered: “Well! This is your choice!”

It would be very strange if I forbade drinking alcoholic beverages to my younger brother, but at the same time would participate in advertising this very beer, wine and vodka. The logic of love for people in this case is broken. How much harm did alcohol bring, and how many families suffered from it? I think that if we call real numbers, then many will be horrified. Of course, my answer is no! Evil mind understood that I might refuse his offer, but it still tried to seduce me and to infuse me with an infinite dream of big money, as this was the favorite and basic occupation of evil mind. After several attacks of evil I felt inadequate due to the fact that I did not have enough money. But then I realized that evil was intended for it. Sitting in a cafe I even dreamed about expensive cars and big houses for several minutes. And if in my earthly life there is no new expensive car and or a big beautiful house, what should I do? And if I get all terrestrial riches, but will harm other people and myself? What’s then? Why do I need this? What will a father and a mother of that guy, who dies of alcohol, say? Perhaps they will say: “Only insane greedy people are making, advertising and selling liquid death! All of you should sink through the floor! They earn their money like that, and our children buy their products in stores, get sick and die.”

I’m not interested in the opinions of other people on this issue, because I know that the ads for which I would receive a fee would have killed many people and destroyed many families!

This man was very surprised with my questions and my refusal to his offer. His kind tone changed to another one and he asked me: “Why do not you agree?” I answered: “Money does not interest me. For me, people’s health, morality and love for God and people are more important. I love people, so I cannot do it! “He told me then:" I have never met someone like you in my life! You are ready to give up such money for the sake of the health of people who pour alcoholic drinks into their mouths themselves. And it is always written on cigarette packs: “Smoking kills.” People kill themselves. Well… I understood… You are a strange girl… I’ll have to look for someone else.”

He did not want to tell me anything more. He realized that I was not interested in his proposal! He realized that I do not want to participate in this process. When I went home, I felt pacification in my heart and with a clear conscience went to my mother. At this time, Maxim thought: “Somehow she is really cool… I liked her. She is smart, self-confident, very attractive and sweet! It’s just unreal. And I looked very bad in comparison with her.” Unbeknownst to himself, Maxim began to glorify a holy love in his heart and received infinite pleasure from my love for people. He, with a slightly open mouth, gazed after me, and then went to his car. He wanted to catch up with me and offer to take me home, but then he got embarrassed and went the other way.

Time passed, and my life passed in the mode: Home, work, home, work. Sometimes, when my mother got in a hospital for a few days, my life looked again like a regime: a house, a job, a hospital, a house, a job, a hospital. And two years passed like that! An evil mind told me again: “You see, what brought you to your sober way of life. You have already stopped calling your friends. You’re boring like the gray jacket of your tedious mother. Unclear! Why such a sacrifice! And aren’t you angry with him because he called you strange? What right has he to call you strange? Strike him out of your love list! How could you tolerate such a humiliating word; “Strange?!”

One rainy evening, when loneliness filled me beyond measure, I went to visit the page of the very same classmate who moved to another city when we were at school. To my surprise, it was written on his page, under the photograph of his wife: “We love, we remember, we mourn”. His wife passed away! She passed away seven months ago. This lovely young man stayed with his two beautiful boys aged 4 and 2 years. I know that they miss their mom very much. They grieved the love that she gave them! My love could not drag my gaze away from his beautiful loving sons. I’m very worried. I have never experienced such intensive excitement in my life. Would he want to talk to me? You need to take the initiative and activate all your potential. It is necessary to prove that I really can love truly! I wrote him a message “Hello, remember me? I was sitting in front of you, and you pulled my pigtails sometimes and pushed me in the back! Now I’ve found you! It is a pity that such a misfortune happened in your family! I would like to talk with you very much and I would like to console you. I look forward to your reply! Your schoolmate!”

The evil mind continued to tell me: “How you would like to continue a happy life with your mental trauma that stuck to you after the rape? Happiness cannot be faked! It’s hard to smile when you do not want to. It’s hard to hide when it’s impossible to hide! And do you really need him? How will he feel with such a smart, independent and strong girl like you? You surpass him in everything. And why do you need a guy with two small children? Do you want to become a heroine? Just do not say that it’s for love. No one will believe you! Everyone will decide that you just want to surprise people or say that you need his money, because judging by the photo, his car of the latest model and a two-story house was built quite recently. Probably, you unexpectedly will be broken, and your love will fail and will be torn as a string. Are not you scared?”

Of course, the case of rape stayed inside of me, probably for a long time. When I see a man, I always look into his eyes and on his hands. For some reason it seems to me that he can pounce on me and hurt me! But I try not to think about it! I need to live and love! Of course, I’m not that naive girl anymore who, although was a nervous and vicious teenage nature, but that naive girl still believed in people and always expected only all the best from them. Almost always I set myself up for good, but still there are times when I look around and think with excitement “And what if something happen to me today in this place?”

My pain subsides, but sometimes it comes back for a while. It is not seen by outsiders who do not know me, as I have learned to mask it in myself. My brother, whom our father used to tell humiliating words, also learned to hide something like this in himself. But when something good has happen, our father’s look fell somewhere to the side and down. And it is not surprising that Artem froze from the sight of that adult man, and his heart said to him: “Oh! An adult man! What will happen next?!” Although our father, sitting in the kitchen, said something about broken mentality, without understanding that he himself played a significant role in the “spiritual strangulation “of his own son.

The next day Sergey answered my message: “Hello! I’m glad that you found me! My children and I are staying with my deceased wife’s parents now. I’ll write to you later!”. I wrote in response: “If you agree, then I would like to come to you with some gifts for these two wonderful guys. Do they like to receive gifts? And I really love small children, I’d love to hug them and give them gifts and sweets, and I also like to communicate with them and to delve into their children’s questions and affairs))). Thank you in advance!”

The evil mind told me again: “The moment, when you can show how to love people, has come. Surprise them and be proud! What is the beauty of simple love without pride? Will you be reconciled when the guests at the wedding will stare down at you? You are a strange man! Very strange! Do you really want to love people until the end of your days? Are you going to look kindly at the people on your wedding who look at you with envy, jealousy and condemnation? How can you love stupid evil people who never knew what love is, but just chew on the thought that you are marrying his money? While your love withstands, it cannot be broken. It is impossible to pick up keys to it, it’s impossible to run the most complex virus, it’s not picked by a bird, an ax becomes dull because of it. So love developed its immunity! The trials that will come to the root of your love and make it withers, are waiting for you! Only your great mind will stay with you! All your love will be only at the level of your mind. You will still remain a stranger for this family! You will see their attitude to you!”

The next day, Sergey told me that I can come and talk to him and his children. He said that I can come in two weeks for three days. I accepted his offer with pleasure.

Two weeks later, I collected my things, took the train and started my journey. Sergey met me at the platform. I looked at him and did not believe that it was him. I approached him and hugged him happily. His children stayed with his grandmother. Frankly, I was a little nervous. It’s not my policy to worry, but this is a special case. Sergey showed me the city, driving me in his new car. We had a very pleasant chat with him. I said inside of myself: “If love allows, then I agree to be his wife.” After a short tour through the city, he brought me to one of their houses and said: “This is our house for guests and meetings with friends and relatives. There is a lake and a forest behind the house. Tomorrow morning, if you don’t mind, I will come here with my children, and you will give them your presents. You can swim there in the pool. There’s a swimming pool and a sauna in the house. In general, feel free and take a rest! Maria Semyonovna will help you to sort out everything. She is our housekeeper. She is a kind woman.” It was autumn, and I was standing in a beautiful beige coat and my neck was wrapped up in a beautiful scarf. My hair waved in the breeze. He approached me embraced and said: “Thank you.”

If anyone knew how much I want my beloved man to embrace me be gently every day. But will he be my man? I do not even want to think that he will not agree to marry me. I need to concentrate all my mind and love so that he does not have any doubts about me. He is a person who loves when everything is always good and there are no difficulties. How will he behave when there are any difficulties? How does he behave daily? What are his values? What is he thinking about? It is difficult to talk about anything now. I need to sort out things, take a shower and go to bed.

When I went to bed, my thoughts flashed through my mind: “You create problems for yourself. This time, you will not be able to infect them with your fake, non-existent, intelligent, artificial love. You will have to think a lot. He is well versed in people, and you will need to answer correctly his endless questions and put up with injustice. Such people have a completely different status and level. You will never be able to fit into their social circle.”

A few seconds later, I was seized by fear, and the following thoughts flashed in my mind: “Maybe you’ll leave tomorrow morning. Remember how they mocked you at school, remember how your father treated you all his life, and remember your half-kind, half-silly and evil mother. Remember how you were humiliated by the neighbors. Remember how you were raped. Do you think that if there were no police, there would be no court and no prisons, and there would be no punishment for the crime? Do not all the people in your city have hurt you? It is impossible to love people who are constantly angry and give grievances and violence. In this family there was no time for love. No one has ever thought about it, and none of them need it. They drowned in vanity and forgot about love. Vanity, money, power, pride, anger, envy, greed, the curse of others, violence, resentment and irritation are the best friends of these people. Do you see at least a drop of love in their eyes? In their eyes you will see hypocrisy, condemnation and indifference. Evil in their minds has been broken these people for a long time without any difficulties. Only you are particularly stubborn and especially clever and abnormally loving. Why do not you stop loving? What did you find in it? People live peacefully without love and nothing happens to them. On the contrary, they receive frantic pleasure from pride, anger, rage, irritation, selfishness, rejection, violence, resentment, humiliation, greed, cruelty, revenge, alcohol, affars, ridicule, thefts and everything else. The mad manifestation of evil. Why did you come to this city? You see how you are shaking now! You curled up and shook like a frightened little dog. Just get up, collect the bag, run out of this house, get on the train and go home! Go back to your boring and worthless gray life without friends.“After lying in this state at a new place for a few minutes, I fell asleep.”

In the morning I woke up and brushed up. A couple of hours later Sergey brought his beautiful little sons, their nanny and his mother. When his mother saw me, she said: “Oh, my God! What a beautiful girl!“After these words, his mother looked into my eyes, and I looked into hers, and then I looked at the kids. After all, I remember how my mother stayed in front of a mirror for hours, and my brother and I walked by ourselves and looked for love and attention. So now you cannot lay stress on beauty all the morning time. Morning time will be spent on love, joy, smiles and peace. Looking at those two kids I saw that they needed this very love and looked with their eyes open for love. I do not understand why they expected this love from me, but not from their grandmother or their father. Probably, everything is obvious and clear here. They just needed a new mother and her love. I squatted and hugged these guys sand then said: “Hello! You are wonderful guys! Your dad, your grandmother and I really love you. Our love, care and embrace are the best gifts for you. We can give such gifts to each other every time. Friends! There is nothing better than infinite pure love in the world. If you want, we’ll be friends with you. If your dad and grandmother allow, I would like to spend my free time with two wonderful, kind boys! I know that your birthdays have already passed, but today there will be a day like a birthday. Today you will rejoice, and receive gifts from me. You are beautiful and loved. You are welcome. You are not alone. You are lovely and special. You are amazing. I love you very much!” Sergey’s mom took her eyes off, felt a shiver from love, and she asked herself in her head: “Who is this girl?” She realized that there is a great infinite love, intelligence and strength behind the beautiful exterior. Now my friend’s mother began to be cautious, so that nothing bad was thought of about her, and realized that she does not make the right slope, feeling that she is not that kind.

Sergey looked at his mother and asked the children: “Do you agree to go to an amusement park?” The child’s voice answered: “We’d love to.” The adult woman was silent and did not know how to start a conversation with me. Sergey told me: “My mother came here to pick up some things. Now we will take her to work and go to the park.” I did not regret at all that I took a short vacation at my job. I spent 12 hours on the train. One drunken man in the train, whose seat was the opposite, annoyed me with his conversations. And it was not easy to get rid of an accidental passenger on the train. Even when I turned from him to the opposite side, he still continued to annoy me with his boring and stupid conversations and behaved very impudently. I’m not sure that this drunken man gave me love with his useless conversations; he gave me everything except of love, rest and common sense. But it did not break me. I try never to remember all the bad things that happened before.

Hunting for my love goes every day and everywhere. Almost every day, evil prepares surprises for me and hopes that I will open my mouth one day and say something bad. I hope that I will turn around and start moving completely in the opposite direction. But if I pay attention to everything, nothing of my love will be left. I can be angry with everything in the whole world. But where does this lead me? What do people expect of me? I can constantly grumble and endlessly get angry at my life and everything else. Or I can look at myself, and love will say to me: “You are beautiful! You can love and be loved. You are the happiest person on earth. Because you can endlessly enjoy the fact that you have the opportunity to love people and help them to find that love, and heal their injured hearts. You can endlessly give them merciful love and good.”

After we picked up Lidia Petrovna, that’s the name of Sergey’s mother, to her work, we went to an amusement park. Upon arrival to the place and after leaving the car, the children took me by the hand and ran to the park to go down a slide, eat cotton candy and enjoy. Sergey looked with amazement to us and was embarrassed how a beautiful 30-year-old lady is able to give love to young children. Sergey sat down on the bench and cried a little. I do not know how he treated his late wife. Whether he gave her insults, whether he tolerated her or loved her — I do not know. Perhaps, little bitter resentments, impatient words hurt their love. Perhaps the little malicious rejection phrases have done their job, and regrets about that make him cry. Maybe he cries that his children are growing up without a mom. Why does he cry? Maybe his tears are due to the fact that he does not know how to love. Maybe he wanted to love, but to love the young wife was not easy for him. You can think endlessly. But I do not know anything about their life. I do not know why he is crying now. Perhaps he cries because his children are happy now.

Sergey has amazing children. We have been very exhausted for two hours. And for these two hours Sergey has became completely different. His heart calmed down and filled with love. We gathered at a summer cafe and ordered ice cream.

When we sat at a table, I saw a man of advanced years. He looked at us with some kind of natural eyes filled with love. He approached us and said that he had never seen such a happy family. Sergey answered him: “Thank you. You are very attentive.” This unfamiliar man added: “It is rare to see such an attitude towards children and to each other. Today I saw true love.” Then this old man took out a book and said: “I wrote this little book a few years ago. I give it to people. It does not have many pages, but these pages are filled with truth and reality. This book is about my life. Everyone should read this book. And you also should read it. Although I’ll give a book to each of you.” We took these books and put them into my bag. Perhaps, someday I will read what this sociable benevolent old man with calm, sweet and infinitely loving eyes wrote his book about. After that, this man told us that we loved each other and should never offend anyone. Then he left. Sergey and I continued our very pleasant conversation.

When we were talking, I got a call on the phone. This time my father called me. He asked me to help him with one deal. But telling him that I was in another city, my father replied: “Everything is clear,” and then he hung up.

After this, an evil mind told me: “Your father is just an extremely obnoxious and bad person. No! He’s just spoiled, blind and angry. Other fathers can talk to their children at least for a couple of minutes without aggression, but he is not a kind of them. You also inherited a lot from your father. Or do you still believe blindly that you will be able to change radically? Children, attractions, smiles, love, warm communication. It’s time to get tired of life, it’s time to extinguish your love for a long time, and include the endless psychosis and irritation that your father chose. There is no love on this earth, just like in the whole universe. When will you all reject your father?”

But my love still stands and nothing can destroy it.

Sergey is a very good and nice young man. After the pleasant time, I asked Sergey to take me to that same guest house. I told him that I wanted to be alone tonight and think about something seriously. With these words, I gave him a subtle hint. In fact, after my conversation with him, Sergey was a little afraid of me. He had never spoken to anyone like me before. I wonder what his mom will say about me. I hope she will say: “Sergey, Elena is a good bride!”

When Sergey brought me home, and it was time to say goodbye, the children stuck to my feet like leeches and looked into my eyes, not wanting to let me go for a single minute. Looking at the children, I said to them: “I’ll be with you two more days, and then I’ll go home.” After these words, the children begged me to stay forever. Tearing his children off my feet with difficulty, Sergey put them in the car and drove home. I had been stayed there for two more days, and then it was time for me to get on a train and go home! On the way back, I met good passengers. They were very calm, very kind and very nice young people and they treated me to their tea and, without saying anything extra, continued to communicate with each other about their affairs. When I arrived to my native city, my beloved brother Artem met me at the station. Approaching his car, I saw that there are new alloy wheels on his car, with which he began to boast to me. After that we got into the car, and Artem took me home. All the way he told me where he got these not very expensive disks. A minute later I asked him: “How’s Mom?” Artem answered: “She is at home.” Of course, I knew that she was at home. I was just trying to find out how she was feeling. The most interesting thing is that right now mom feels worse than ever and most of all she waits for her son to come to her voluntarily and embrace her tenderly, telling how much he loves her. And the most interesting thing is that today the guy with whom they spent the whole day to bring these disks from another city, called him. I also immediately remembered myself. I remembered how, several years ago, I bought a fur coat and spent almost a month running around girlfriends and bragging about a purchase, and my sick grandmother lay and waited for her own grandchildren to come to her. I also remembered one family that I knew, who absolutely did not notice anything except of the soft furniture they had been looking for almost two months… During these two months they have quarreled many times, have ejected a lot of fountains of psychosis and exhausted the nerves of their parents, their children and friends.

When my father called me and asked for help, an evil mind told me: “Stop loving your father. He does not accept your love. Your kindness and love make him more irritable. He never hugged you, never took you by the hand and never said that he loved you on his own initiative. And you know, what an infinitely deep gulf exists between evil and good, between hatred and love. Your father brings you only suffering. You did not want to reach the phone again. Your love will not heal your brother. Someday his stupidity will bother you, because it is high time for him to learn to think, and he does not know what he thinks and does. It’s time for him not to think about discs, but to think about something serious. How can you love such a brother? He is like your blind father, who has been taking off with his moped for all his youth, hanging on him various things and chrome strips. But he does not remember this, and does not want to understand his son, but only looks at him under his scowling forehead and nods his head. Your father and brother are hard, cynical, stupid, angry, nervous blind. And they say that only women like magpies love everything that is brilliant.”

A few minutes later we arrived at the house and when Artem was about to leave, I told him: “Mom does not feel very well. Can you please go to her and stay with her a little? She is waiting for you very much. When she sees you, she will be much better. She wants you to come to her by your own will and, to hug her and say that you love her very much. She needs it now very much.”

But Artem did not go to visit our mother. He and his wife got into their car and drove away, showing the whole city their new alloy disks. And I took my car without alloy disks and drove away to my mother. Our father did not embrace and did not regret our mother too, because he was in his small bedroom and watched some useless television program.

After visiting our mother for a while, I went home. I already had my own apartment; I inherited it from my grandmother. And Artem already married and lived with his wife in a rented apartment.

I returned to my old life again. Every day we chatted with Sergey on the Internet. Two months later, Sergey wrote me the following message: “Do you agree to be my wife? I love you very much. I need you. Do not refuse, my beloved.”

Frankly, his words touched and delighted me. From his words, I flew to heaven and cried out: “Yeah, yeah!”

Then I told Sergey that I will give an answer only in two weeks, because I need to think about his proposal. I have absolutely nothing to say about Sergey. Today he is angry, tomorrow he is silent. With some people he behaves quite well, and with others quite differently. How to explain this selective approach? Today he wants one thing, and tomorrow another one, but in a month he will want something completely different. He often listens to his mother. She is able to influence on his, even the most correct, choice.

I constantly run away from evil and run after joy, peace, mercy and love. Evil is constantly close on heels and ponders with what my sprout of love can be cut off. Very often evil makes an emphasis on pride, anger, sin and resentment. Very often an evil mind tells me: “How could they say such a thing to you or do such a thing to you? Who are they to say this to you? Do not forgive them and do not love them. And if you respond with evil to evil, then you will do the right thing. And in general, how could Dmitry treat you like that? How could your father treat you and your brother for all his life? What right had those guys whom you hit the car to attack your brother with fists? How could those guys do this to you when you were only sixteen? What right do people have to tell you, something humiliating in general? Unscrupulous fugitives, impregnated with malicious bile and sin. They all need reassuring, hard, angry and direct words. Love can hardly help any of them.”

Once I thought: “It would be better if my brother and I were born deaf-mute Then I would not have heard how people around me hurt me. And then my brother would not have heard how our angry, irritable father humiliated him.”

I remember a video from the Internet, where a deaf-mute girl at her wedding sang a song with gestures to her parents. Her parents did not take their loving glance from their daughter even for a moment. Throughout the song her parents looked at the eyes of their daughter. Those parents loved their daughter, and their daughter loved her parents. Love was their best friend, as well as her parents.

In her song, she sang about how her parents gave a tender love to her and her sister. She also said that her parents are not just parents, but they are also her friends. I was very glad that in this family there lives love and understanding instead of selfishness, resentment, anger, irritation, impatience, misunderstanding, pride, smirks, slanting looks and angry speeches.

Even now pride wants to move into me, smoothly pushing love out of me, and wants me to leave bad arrogant haughty speeches. But I understand that we are all in the same boat. I understand that people must love and help each other. But still, evil, trying to instill pride in me, explains to me that I am the smartest, the strongest, the most adult, the most gifted, the most talented, the most perceptive, the most honest, the most sinless, the most loving and the cutest girl. But, accordingly, evil says that all people are much worse and stupider than I am. Evil says that in this case I can be infinitely proud and endlessly enjoy sweet pride. But I do not like pride. I hate this feeling and I do not like and do not want to offend people with insane pride and humiliating words.

Why do such moments occur when a person rejects love and starts doing bad things? In a life of every person there are moments when he must show the strongest love for people, but evil forces drag it to its side with all his strength.

My mother told me that when I started growing up and my father needed to communicate and be friends with me, my father at that moment went into long drinking-bouts after which he became unlike himself. After drinking, he suffered very badly. Only these sufferings were expressed in the fact that our father no longer noticed us, because he looked back and said inside himself: “How I want to get drunk and forget myself. How tired I am of all this family life.” Of course, all this turned my mother into a huge bundle of nervous that had to think for a few people at once.

The same thing began when our father needed help and fellowship with his son.

We waited for love, talk, embrace, help, smiles and kind eyes, but our father was lying drunk in the middle of the corridor, like a huge obstacle through which it was necessary to step over several times a day. And when he was sober, he did not look like our own father. He exhaled irritation, anger and quarrelsome. And, of course, every day, love for him became somehow alien and disgusting.

After I began to tell my father that he would finish drunkenness, he would reply angrily: “Who are you to tell me how to live!”

Our father changed before our eyes. Our father began to live by the principle: “I say everything want I what to! I do what I want. I get angry and irritated if I want. I humiliate and offend if I want. I try to be clever and grin if I want. I choose the rules of my life by myself, and there is no prohibition for me.”

Evil is the mindset that continually spoke to our father: “don’t even think about love! As you think about what is not! Look at yourself and understand who you and all these other people are. They don’t deserve love, which is just not there. All this love and affection and everything else is just terrible annoying you. And you have no strength, intelligence and desire to fight and to renounce all that internal evil. Look at your son again! And answer the question: ‘Does you son irritate you?’ Of course, the answer has long been known. Your son annoys you very much.” Don’t talk to him for so long, otherwise he will annoy you even more. You rarely talk to your son and always come to a dead-lock. Because love doesn’t exist and your communication on important matters must end sooner or later. Have talked a little bit and enough. No need to look for any further what is not. Not necessary to look for something bigger after a short conversation. You’re a normal guy, but in any case they all think that you are not so. And it’s not good. Your son always expects you to love! Oh-Oh-Oh! No! How it is annoying. And now it’s too late to correct something. You have to love from your birth. And what is now? Do you fall plump into the mud having admitted your mistake? If you try to change something, your son will understand that you never liked him, and then you will have to admit that you were crazy and did not like your own son. And this simply cannot be allowed! How can you recognize your huge blunder?! And now let him think that you love him just in a different way.

You love mannishly, nasty. Save it for the rest of your life. And, of course, today, you also spoke with your son about some of the channels and opening gates. So what? It was not the same after all, there was not any love. Well! It was exactly as you thought. You had a conversation with your son for ten minutes, and then, of course, your son started to smile as a child grimacing, rejoice and look forward for some strange useless words: “I love you”. So hurry up to meet for ten minutes and close a door behind him”.

What will happen next? Will he frown and show his attitude for all the saints. Will he invite us to visit and say words of love?

One day he called Artem to invite him to visit us. His angry words of invitation were: “What! Have you forgotten the way?!We live close! Not far!”

Our grandfather was always pissed off at our grandmother always left her somewhere in the yard. When grandma started to get sick, our grandfather started to get irritated and angry because of her illness. He was always angry at grandma and with anger in his eyes he spoke: “You often get sick!” He sent her to the store rather often when she was not well, not realizing her sickness. This is probably easily explained by the fact that the grandfather truly loved our grandmother and did not know what a serious illness is, because apart from colds our grandfather never suffers with anything else in his life. But how to understand the person who is sick? When all the same our grandfather eventually began to suffer from other diseases, he cried with all his force: “Don’t you see that it hurts me everywhere? Let me recover and relax.”

On one of the forums I read a story about one angry and absolutely healthy father did not let his son go out of the bathhouse when he started complaining and said: “It’s hard for me to breathe and I feel something wrong with my heart.” His father answered him with anger: “Don’t argue! A heart works separately from the whole body and steam bath does not affect it at all!” But how is it possible to realize that the son has something to hurt if his father has never been ill? That very father realized it only when he left the bath-house and his son paled and fell on his bed. Only after this, leaving his anger for a while, the spiteful father called an ambulance. His son then thought about his father’s words for a long time: why does the heart still work separately from the whole organism?

How to love a person, if you can’t love anybody except yourself? How to understand the pain of another person and how to understand that another person does not want to receive resentment or anger, but wants to hear only kind words and feel loved? But many people in this case get angry and say: “Oh, you’re so touchy! You demand only good phrases towards you! Nothing of the kind. I’ll say something bad to you and you will swallow it!”

The second week came to the end. I promised Sergey to think and give an answer to his proposal. Of course, Sergey is unequal to me and he does not know as much as I know, but still, probably, I’ll say “yes” to him!

An evil mind explained to me: “How great! You are the only one of that kind. Endless joy from pride! What can be better!? You will never have to humble yourself, resign yourself and ask for forgiveness first. People will say: ‘What an intelligent girl!’ Who can be more beautiful than she! A proud look suits you. Love, smiles and a pretty face just annoy people. Anyway, how can you love people who still want to look smarter than you! It isn’t good! Show them your mind and take down a peg to them! You are number one”.

Two weeks later I answered Sergey: “Yes!”

After my answer to his proposal Sergey asked me: “Why did it take you two weeks?” And I replied: “For no reason in particular!” After these words, he stopped asking me other questions, and immediately stopped talking and wished me good night!”

As it became known later, Sergey was offended by my answer: “For no reason in particular.” But why did he take offense at me? It was evident in his messages. Why did not he write to me after my words for all day? Is he touchy? But love does not take offense! And what if something would happen to me that day? Did he think about me and did he worry about me all that day or he just proudly took offense? If it is so, it is very painful and unpleasant. Why do people resent each other? Is it possible to take offense of the one you love very much?

It is not clear yet, what kind of person Sergey is. I can only draw an image, but what he has in his head and how he will act in this or that situation I do not know yet. He neither uses scathing words lightly, nor stirs up quarrels or rush at people. He looks like an ordinary person. He is swinging in a boat somewhere in the middle of a storm and waiting for what side it will endure. Whether it brings him to the shore of reason, love, kindness, mercy, forgiveness, good deeds, or to the shore of insanity, resentment, pomposity, condemnation and other evil.

I really liked his mother. She was still surprised with my love. Sergey told me that she talks about me all day and talks about me to all her friends.

Sergey and his mother are people who are able to receive warm, tender, pure, open, merciful love and are able to become better, which is accordingly the foundation on which it is possible to build a house filled with love. Sergey’s mom also liked me, because she began to glorify the love in her heart that I gave her. This love shocked her so much that even her friends did not understand what she was telling them about.”

Several more months later, we became much closer with Sergey and got to know each other better. We appointed a wedding day and waited for this solemn moment.

Once I asked Sergey: “Tell me honestly, I will not be offended. What do not you like about me? “Sergey answered:" Almost always I feel somehow stupid next to you. This is due to the fact that you can explain to me several times what I have already learned from you. And the most offensive is that you do not listen to anyone and consider yourself a genius.”

Honestly, I was afraid of it. I was afraid that I would be brought again into my great knowledge, experience and thoughts, which I very often devote more time than devoting time to love. Why almost four whole months I tried to show my mind, forgetting that it offends? Why did I have been boasting my mind and enjoyed this unobserved arrogance four months? If I know that my genius sooner or later allows me to make a skid at the turn and hurt a person with resentment, then why do I praise before him and try to look smarter? I could say something in another humble, innocuous manner.

I apologized to him for my manner of communication and said: “Darling, I love you! I will not do it again! Sorry!”

Time passed, and I continued to communicate with Sergey and his beautiful children. They became my best friends. They are small and so different. They have their own dreams and desires. They told me what they want to get themselves as a gift for birthdays. Of course, I took my tiny savings and prepared gifts not only for the children but also for Sergey and his mother. Sergey did not have a father. He died when Sergey was the second grade. So after a while they left for another city. Sergey was brought up by his mother, two grandmothers and two grandfathers.

There were only a few days before our wedding. My mother and I had already packed our stuff and hit the road. The city where Sergey lives is very beautiful. People seem to be kinder than in our city. But the expression: “People in this or another city are kinder than there or here,” generates a chain reaction of bitterness and kills love. Exactly the same attitude towards people generates a favorite expression: “Man is a wolf to a man”. But man is not a wolf, but love, mercy, help, fellowship, good deeds, joy and peace.

Today I remembered when I was a teenager, I was in a hospital queue and was angry with doctors and nurses, and one man sitting next to me said: “The doctors are sitting there and drinking tea in their offices and they don’t want to mess around with the sick. So, what can I say, a man is a wolf to man.”

Evil mind often told me: “Your father is a spiritually dead man and you must write it off from your life. Your mother is a lacking initiative, quarrelsome, empty company worker, and your brother is a young little fool. And there is no sense to say anything about other people in general.”

Evil hopes that I will stop loving my family members and all the other people. Evil hopes that I will see only the worst in my father and stop loving him. Evil wishes that I would endlessly condemn my father and reject him instead of loving him forever. But what do I personally want? Do I want to erase my father from my mind and hate him forever, condemning him, or do I want to love him endlessly with a tender, pure, unconditional, merciful love..?

The struggle for love and for the state of my inner world continues. Of course my father does not understand how he behaves and what he says. He does not feel guilty and even now he is sitting quietly at home and watching TV hasn’t got established good warm relationship with anyone a based on love.

The waiting time passed, and that long-awaited moment came, and all my family boarded the train and went to Sergey. Our father, being on the train, several times told Artem in an impermissible tone: “Why the long face? Take the bags.”

Telling him these words, our father looked with his side vision on the passengers sitting opposite, and thought inside himself: “Look how I can put pressure on people and show my discontent. You should know that I can do it!”

At the station we were also met by the whole family and then taken to the same guest house, which was situated near a pine forest and a lake. Of course, I was a little ashamed of my father’s behavior, because he failed several times trying to play smart and silly joked. But these silly jokes did not go over well, because nobody wanted to listen to them. But it was evident that my father was very shy of new people and because of this he began to play smart and began to tell something that he did not have to tell at all. But in the evening, after my father brought bags into the house, I noticed that he flew into the rage and cursed this trip, this life and this wedding. But the thought of Sergey’s big money still reassured him. However why did our father want to get angry, and even Sergey’s money couldn’t calm him down? Probably, it often happens that instead of love in the heart there is a simple anger? Perhaps this is because anger can never be explained logically. It often happens that a person has the strongest inner malice instead of love. And even thoughts about money could not drown out anger, irritation and psychosis. He calmed down only in the evening when he turned on a television. Without an apology for his daytime behavior, he calmly went into the room to watch TV shows. Evil thoughts whispered to him: “Everything is fine! Do not apologize for anything. They all have already forgotten your short-lived vicious psychosis! And where did you see that someone would apologize for something? It is not about your family. Your father and your grandfather lived without any problems. Your new acquaintances will also endure your antics, because you feel this superfluously kind attitude to you by Lydia Petrovna and Sergey, and you also know and feel that they do not constitute a danger for my life. And if it is so, then I do not have to control myself. And what a psychological superiority you feel before them! It’s just indescribable! And if you feel it, then you can relax! Otherwise, you can look at them with any glance without embarrassment, think hard things of them, grin, humiliate and joke insultingly… Well, in general, you can tell them everything you want and you can endlessly, sweetly press them, showing your dissatisfaction. They are kind people, they will endure everything. After all, how pleasant it is when your son thanks you for something, and you, looking somewhere sideways, answer him angrily: “Yep, welcome.”

Seeing his flashy “mind” Sergey and his mom went to other rooms.

I know my father. I remember that whenever a conversation touched on mind or ingenuity our father replied: “All of them are brainless! If people had such brains, as I have, then this world would have lived in a completely different way!”

Our father was an expert almost in everything except love. And he had absolutely everything except love. If my father were offered to start a quarrel with someone, he would be the first to set an example to everyone. If my father, being angry, were offered to calm down the guests, he, forgetting about the embarrassment, would be at the height, praising himself with the words: “You know how I can swear and calm down everyone!!! I’ll calm them down quickly!” Once he even boasted to his neighbor as he chased his son for throwing something at the fence. The father then said to his neighbor, who had psychological superiority above our father: “And I tell him: well, I’ll catch you up, shorty!”

Of course, Artem nearly cut his belly when he ran past the glass, which our father had not taken to a barn although he was asked to do it for a year. But when our father came across children’s things, he made an evil look and said to Artem: “Put all the toys back. It makes me furious! You throw them everywhere, but who will collect them? Joe Schmoe or who?” Even now Artem and I are in the same room in the guest house, and our father is in another room. No one wants to communicate with our father. He drank beer somewhere outside and now he is sitting on the second floor in one of the rooms and watching a new interesting fantasy film.

Probably, nothing interests him more, especially love. At this very moment our father is thinking: “You are the coolest father in the world. You managed to make it so that your son had been being afraid of you for all his life. Fear is the basis of the relationship of a father and a son. No doubt. It should be so. Now he is in the next room, and you are here. You do not have to communicate and be friends. After all, you are a father who his son must be afraid and obey. Everything is fine. But even if something is wrong, then it’s the fault of your son only. If he obeyed you, then everything would be different. He himself is to blame for the fact that you do not communicate with each other. No! No partnerships. Partnership means that not everything will be on your terms. And you in fact cannot stand, when something happens against your better judgment. Therefore, your son is to blame for your relationship. And there is really nothing to admire. There is nothing interesting in your son, and he has not achieved anything in his life. As for your daughter, her husband will be friends with her. Do not go to your son. You will be annoyed with his smile and childlike joy, as it used to irritate you when your son ran from corner to corner and annoyed you very much. Who told you that your son feels bad now? And who told you that you do not live right? You gave your son upbringing, weaned him, married him, and gave him a roof over his head. That’s all! Lie down and do not think about anything else.”

At that time Artem was lying on the bed in the next room and thought: “My father is lying on the bed behind the wall. But I cannot talk to him. He just cannot stand me. He cannot tolerate his own son. He is happy with the TV and the bottle, but not with his own son, although now switching channels for about an hour I still cannot find anything interesting there, except this boring film about fiction. I wish I could talk to my father right now. But he’s so angry that I do not even know how to do it. Love does not come from him, but something negative is does. I just feel it and cannot bear it.”

I’m currently reviewing the wedding plan and helping the children. There are too many foolish wedding competitions, leading to insanity and degradation. Correcting the script, we went to bed.

We have spent two days to prepare for the wedding, and finally, the long-awaited moment came. My world will change soon. I will live in another city, with a loved one and with two beloved children.

When I composed the song for the melody that I chose, the following thoughts flashed through my mind: “Maybe you will not sing this song about love? Why do you need to do this? These people have chosen their own way and nothing will help them. Nothing can soften their coarse evil hearts. By the way, won’t you be ashamed? Won’t you be shy? There will be unfamiliar people after all!”

How should I react for this? I will do my best.

After going through all the procedures of marriage, the time came when I could calmly render my song. I composed this song in three days. But the fact that I composed it by myself should not create a sprout of pride in me, destroying love, despite the praise and applause of other people.

On the wedding day our wedding attendant announced: “Now the bride will sing her song for you! The lyricist is the bride herself! “A beautiful melody began play, and I started to sing my song. After a while many guests began to cry. My father gazed fixed at some point, and thought: “What is love?” He did not understand that he must be completely different. He did not regret about his life, and the thought flashed through his mind: “What is she singing about and why are these tender and hypochondriac women crying? How annoying it is!”

Today two little boys got a mother because they need my love. They need a mother who will give them care, warmth, affection and love. After the wedding, we came to the guest house together. I took these kids and put them on my knees and began to talk to them, and they started telling me their childish stories. My father looked at me with amazement and thought: “My daughter is crazy! How could she adopt two somebody else’s children! We have to leave this city immediately. Let Elena deal with it by herself!”

Evil thoughts told my father: “Love is short-lived. After this day you will forget about the love that does not exist. All this is not love, but gray sentimentality. Evil and all forms of its manifestation are native to you. They accustomed to see you as a person you really are. You won’t change yourself and you won’t become like your daughter at least a little bit. And why should you change? You’re a perfectly normal person. Remember how your friend told you in which tone he had talked to his son. But his son is smarter than yours and he is even more serious with him than you are. Press on Artem stronger to make him wiser. Do you remember the young guys with whom you often went to side jobs? They are of the same age, but they are very different in mind in comparison with your son. Therefore, maybe you would like to talk to your son, but what can you talk about with him! TV shows are several times more interesting than communicating with your empty son. Sit and talk to your screen. It’s so interesting to watch TV. There is nothing better than it. It does not irritate you, but your son does. It’s much more pleasant to communicate with it. It’s very pleasant to watch it, even if there is nothing useful there.”

I showed my father all my love. But can he accept this love and will he want to love? Will he begin to move in the right direction? Will his ice heart melted? After all, I will no longer be with them. Will he be able to love my mother, because she should not be nervous at all. Will he justify our hope after this day, taking even a little love for his life? Or will he regret at the end of his life all the humiliating grievances inflicted, will he regret not hugging anyone, warmly speaking to them sweet words, and hasn’t he really loved anyone?

What do people need? Why do pride, anger, irritation, greed, humiliation, revenge, selfishness, alcoholism, violence, stupidity, and much more lasciviousness take over and reject love? Maybe tonight someone say in his heart: “It’s so great to love people!!! I want to love forever!”

Once I also said to myself: “I want to love!!! Lord! Let love come to my heart and never leave me! Let love supplant all the stuff living within evil. We will love together, we will be together to please each other, we will help everyone, take care, forgive, be merciful and polite, grateful and patient, we will continue to love forever, we will be tender, gentle and kind to everyone.”

After a couple of days my parents started to pack their bags to go home and I helped them. Tears on my mother’s eyes began to run down her cheeks. I know that we will be separated by a distance of one thousand kilometers. I cannot stand to watch how my mother lives a life without love and constantly speaks about our father: “He’s as evil as a dog. He’s just a pain in the neck.”

What should I feel if I know that my father does not want to give love to our mother and other people? What should I feel if I know that my father’s several offenses will permanently damage my mother’s health? After all, he is already looking at our mother with an evil glance and asks in an irritable offensive tone: “Where is my shirt and jacket?”

If our father had a heart attack in the train, he would look at our mother with puppy eyes and he would ask her politely and in perfect humility for help. But having no love in him, our father returned to his old ways. My father did not control anger. Anger itself, controlled our father.

Poor mother! It would have been better if I had been her. I’m ready to sacrifice with many things to make other people happy. Before leaving our father embraced me and Artem, but these hugs were the following: “These are my children. And I have to hug them and say goodbye. Most of people usually do like this when they say goodbye.” He embraced me, and his eyes continued to look somewhere outside. He did not tell me that he loved me. He only noted the importance for my song. After all, it was necessary to draw attention to this. But I do not need his feigned gratitude for this song. It was not sung for gratitude. It was sung for changing human hearts. Most of all I expect a love for my mother and for my brother from him. They need it more than me.

Mom with tears in her eyes was landing on the train. Only our father did not cry. He said with irritation: “Sit down! What are you waiting for?!”

The favorite stinging expressions and words of my father, uttered in an unacceptable, unscrupulous, irritating tone, tormented my heart! But the train began to move, and I with Sergey and two kids was staying on the platform watching go the train. Mom and Artem were looking out of the window, while our father was sitting on the lower shelf and continuing to get angry.

A thousand kilometers will separate me with my parents and my brother. At that moment I felt in my heart that my relatives had been completely torn out from me. Sergey stood next to me and looked at the train. I really wanted him to hug me and say something warm. But he did not. The malicious thoughts flashed again in my head: “Do not love and do not respect him. You casted your lot with an egoist and mama’s boy. Your husband does not understand that you will be lonely in unaccustomed place for the first time. Your husband is not intelligent. He expects everything from you as from his mother. How can you obey him? He often makes mistaken decisions and does not know how to think for himself. He is not worthy of being listened to, being obeyed or being respected. Now you are sad. New town! New people! And he will ask you without understanding your sadness: ‘Why are you so sad?’ Instead of embraces and consolations due to your sadness, he will incite you to resentment, followed by a feeling of rejection or something else. How did you manage to find such a fool with two children!?”

Such thoughts together with fear roamed in my head. I did not lose my head and, leaning against Sergey, hugged him tightly. After that, he embraced me very tightly!

After a few seconds I told Sergey: “I will miss my parents very much, because they are far away now.”

As a result of my words, Sergey was filled with blind jealousy. Evil in my mindset told me: “Look! He’s also insanely jealous! It would have been better if he had regretted and understood you instead of being viciously jealous. You’ll be exhausted with him. Believe me!”

I really like Sergey. He is a very nice person. Many vital factors have hardened his heart and made some of its areas stone. But despite this Sergey will see my love for him. I will make him happy. I told him after his jealousy: “Sergey! I love you very much!” A second later his blind jealousy disappeared forever. Sergey immediately replied: “I love you too!” After that, he hugged me tightly.

After the train station we went to the restaurant and had a very tasty and hearty meal. Sergey took out his purse and, paying for dinner, deliberately shined his contents in front of me and two pretty adult women sitting at a nearby table, hoping that no one would notice that he had done it intentionally. He deliberately tilted his purse a little, so that they and I could see his mint of red papers.

I have not stuffed my tummy like that for a long time. I looked into Sergey’s eyes and told him: “Tell me what’s inside you. Tell me what bothers you. We will overcome all these problems together. You can tell me everything. I will never betray you and will never think anything bad of you. You can tell me everything, even the most secret thoughts. We will love together, and help each other. I also like it when my man dominates and when he is satisfied with everything. I love it when a man feels like a man!”

After these words Sergey experienced a new uncharted feeling for him: a feeling of my loyalty, devotion, submission and love. After that, Sergey told me a lot, and it became clear that he was not stupid at all. Sergey fell in love with me and did not want to lose me. So we started our joyful journey together.

Every morning he met with great joy. Every morning he saw my smile, kisses and everything else that he so indescribably admired.

Some guests at the wedding, praising me behind my back, said: “What an amazing, good, kind, intelligent girl! She married a man with two children. She is a heroine, which we have never seen before. And have you seen her loving, sweet and perceptive eyes? In my opinion this girl fell from the sky for Sergey.” But many people spoke quite differently. Some of them said: “For such money you can take a man with two children. Why not? All of them are very good before wedding, and then life and time will show. We’ll see what she’s like.”

One day I took our little guys, left our big house and got into my new car, which Sergey’s mom gave me. After I got into the car and put two guys in it, I saw four small eyes that looked at me and expected only the best of me. Their little hearts wanted only one. They wanted to be filled with mercy, kindness and love.

Evil thoughts once again told me: “Try less to give love to these children, because they are not yours. Who knows, maybe when they mature, they will not appreciate your love at all and will not thank you for it. Maybe they will not thank you at all. Why then you should love them? As for everything else, you have already shown your love to everyone. Why do you have to suffer further and try to love these bad people who do not know how to control their emotions and do not know how to think. You should not also love your husband, because love will spoil him and lead him to degradation. Look at yourself from now on! You just do not know what you’re missing! You have a new crossover, a new suburban brick house, a nice husband, your irresistible beautiful appearance, great mind, experience and knowledge. You also have three wonderful books written by you personally! Be proud of yourself and show people who they are. Are you a writer without pride? Why should you sacrifice with it? Replace the love of people with pride. Take pride and enjoy! Is it really impossible to turn off your love, but instead of including sweet arrogance, envy and PR. Look here now! You do not have to cultivate in love, because there are people in your city who live better than you and point at you with your finger. Here are people who are perfect, because they have chosen the right goal. They build and fold. They do not care about other people, because other people must take care of themselves. Sink or swim. Strive for wealth, fame, respect and make yourself such a fortune that all people begin to envy you. It’s unclear why you reject things that bring true pleasure? People on your rich street are more perfect with their mind than you. They consider you stupid and put in the last place. Do not you care about their opinion? They believe that money determines the status of a person. What is your status in this city? To have more money, you need to reject love and stick your heart to money, and not to warm people with love and care. You have a chance to show all these people who you are and who they are. You now have a husband who has a lot of money and you can influence him, saying that he needs to multiply his savings. Believe me! This way is much better! Your accounts will be infinitely full, and you will be calm. And it does not matter how this result has been achieved. Either it is achieved by the offense of people, or it is achieved by the spirits of envy, deceit, violence and threats. The main thing is everything’s OK with you, and that you love yourself only, and treat other people with hatred, disgust and irritation. Well, does it matter how to achieve true happiness? Invest your future money in any business and always multiply your profits. Think constantly about profits. You must be better than others. Sergey and his mom are pleasantly surprised with your love, but after they know that you are not going to move in their direction, they will resent you and a real war will arise between you and them, so, please, start treating them badly right now. Just look at this family! Your love will not heal them. They are very stupid! And you cannot cope with these children. They need a lot of energy and time. It was easier for you to marry someone else. And, of course, answer the final question: ‘How can you love in this rough world?’ Whether you want this or not, a heart of any person gets rocked from this life in a short time and only a few people managed to get away from it. Only those, who had never held such money in their hands or they were very sick for a long time!”

A second later, I gave a smile to the children and asked: “Well! Are you ready for the journey?” They cheerfully exclaimed: “Yes, we are!” We went to the hospital for a scheduled examination of the children and after a while we were already there.

Children’s joy is one of the most amazing things in the world. Arriving in the children’s hospital, we reserved a place in a queue. The eldest son, whose name was Vadim, running up the stairs, inadvertently touched a bucket of water, which slid down the stairs. A few seconds later I saw how a fat cleaning woman hurriedly ran out of the office, near the landing, and, assessing the situation, loudly cried out: “Why don’t you look after your children, mother?! You’d better teach your children not to run up and down the stairs! You can only paint your nails!!! Who will clean all this now?! I have just washed everything here. My back is falling off!”

An evil mind with discontent and resentment said to me: “Are you going to apologize to this old, stupid, angry and irritable woman? Look who she is and who you are! Remember how she insulted you, calling you in anger and pride a woman, who was not able to look after her children and didn’t teach them how to go up and downstairs, and who is only interested in her manicure! She humiliated you very much. How can you forgive this? Do you feel how she treats you? Maybe you will respond in kind? Why not? Oh! After all, you project love as a nice kind girl from a childish fairy tale. Aren’t you angry with this woman for her insulting words?!”

After these thoughts I answered to her: “I apologize to you and regret about this situation. I am ready to compensate materially for moral and material damage, and I am ready to help you with something else. Excuse us, please. It will never happen again.”

My kind and compassionate look reassured the woman and she answered: “Okay! I will wash the floors again. And you also excuse me, please, for raising my voice at you.” I answered to this woman: “It’s all right! Every person has some problems. Maybe you also have them. With all my heart I would like to help you.” Having said these words, I took ten thousand rubles from my wallet and, putting them in the cleaning woman’s pocket, added: “You should take it! Otherwise, I will be upset and will know that I have not helped a good woman who needs help.”

The woman’s voice trembled, and her eyes became wet with tears. Taking the bills, she turned her head slightly and said: “Thank you for the money! Excuse me! Forgive me, please!”

Evil thoughts told me: “You’re not only strange. You’re also crazy. In this world, it is not customary to give out money for no reason in particular. This wicked, fat, insane cleaning woman has a job, and a salary. It doesn’t need to do unnecessary movements. And what will your husband say when he finds out that you spend the money that he gave you for your personal expenses! Probably, he will say: ‘You are mad!’, and then he will turn his finger at his temple! Next time, he will probably give you less money. Do not allow such that they would think that your love may overplay your hand. And in general this new family is hard to persuade to love. You will lose! Do not even try! Or maybe your Sergey is not responsible for his words, like all other people. Check it out! After all, he, giving you money, said with a smile: ‘Beloved! You can spend it wherever you want!’ Maybe he made a mistake in his words, as your father had mistaken when he told your mother that he would love her all his life. And when you talked with your mom this morning, you didn’t notice any scents of joy while the conversation, because of your father. Look and analyze! Leave your love and just live like many people do! And indeed, Sergey would never have achieved such financial well-being himself. It’s all thanks to his mother, and he pretends to be self-sufficient and genius. He’s a fool. Therefore, if you upset him by telling him about the ten thousand rubles that have simply gone to a fat cleaner, he will not understand this just because he has never been an orphanage. Remember how he went to school? Best dressed! He was fed better than anyone. He did not know what cold and hunger were. He did not know how it was to live without parents. Now, if he went through this, and did not live high off, and did not live like a mouse in a warehouse of cereals, then perhaps he would treat your actions with understanding. But he was not homeless, he lived in an apartment. And of course, look here now. You see how a woman turned her face away from your love. Love confuses people. Are not you embarrassed too?! Well, Sergey is no longer that kind boy from your school. Now, he doesn’t want to share his money with someone else. Why? Just, because his heart became rude and he became disillusioned with all people. You will be disappointed with them soon. They will tell you not only what the cleaning lady told you, but a few times worse!”

While I was stuck in the waiting room, I managed to make a whole list of what Sergey, his mother and our children like. I would also be happy to do something for my father, but he’s not here right now. I wanted my father to keep me in his arms for a little longer than he usually did, and I wanted him to look into my eyes and say he that he loved me! But he hurried to get on the train and go somewhere far away from the embrace, smiles and healing words of love. Even now I tell my father on the phone only good, but we cannot talk with him more than a minute. Unfortunately, there is no love in my father’s eyes. His eyes do not exude love at all, they exude absolutely the opposite.

I want to cry bitterly because of my father’s inner state. And of course, I worry about my mother and my brother. Evil completely captured my father, and that’s why love, joy, humility, sociability, understanding, kind, loving eyes and peace did not come from him. None of the family members enjoyed love and peace.

Why did fate pit us into a distance of one thousand kilometers? Perhaps someone would have sighed with relief, and said: “It’s good that I got rid of such a father!” But these words are not for me! After all, if love lives inside me, then it lives here forever, and will never end. But if I stop halfway, my father will be left without love. How can I stop loving my father?”

But this is exactly what the evil wants. If I reject my father, then my love is nothing! And if I do so, my father will say: “Our daughter has completely forgotten about us! She has been talking about love for all her life, but now it turns out that she does not have any love for us!” And what would my mom think? I need to call them more often and say that I love them very much. I need to say that I need them. I need to say that I do not want them to quarrel.

After going to the doctor, my children and I left the hospital, and approached our car. What I saw upset me. The whole left side of my car was crumpled. Judging by the height of the dents, these scratches left a car of the same height. We had to stay for the time of registration of an accident. While waiting for the police, I called up the largest companies and enterprises in this city, in order to find work for myself. At this time, the children were playing a game in the car that I bought for them. I did not call Sergey, and I decided to deal with the dents by myself.

A few minutes later I saw this cleaning lady, who left the hospital and went to a bus stop. There were tears on her face, which she wiped with her handkerchief.

Evil thoughts told me: “Do not come close and do not ask what happened to her! Why do you poke your nose into other people’s business? It’s maladroitly and very strange.“A second later I got out of the car and, approaching this woman, asked:" Why are you crying? What happened to you?” The woman answered me: “I’m going home to my son, who suffered in a car accident. Thank you for your help! Excuse me! I have to go, because I’ve already been a little late!”

Before the woman left, she told me her phone number and promised to call her and help. Before leaving, this woman looked strangely at my white SUV. Who would have thought that her son’s car had rammed a similar white car that was going too fast? This woman did not hope for the help of other people, because the owner of that car did not help her son at all. He disappeared from the scene of the accident, and later, when he was found, he did not want to reimburse material and moral harm on his own initiative. Even now, that man has not called and asked how they deal with, although this cleaning lady for several months tried to solicit at least some compensation for the harm from this rich man. I then thought: “How awful it is to exceed the set speed! This is dangerous and stupid. And they do not give a penny for their guilt and harm.”

Now this family needs help. It is necessary to repair the roof of their house, because sometimes it even leaks some water in the hall and in the bedroom. Two very prosperous neighbors, living next-door, shake their heads and say: “It’s awful!” One of them tells his wife, passing their house every day: “Tanya, look at this house! How can people live there?!” But nobody of them rendered the financial help to this woman.

When I received my first salary, I called this woman and organized the roof repairing. This woman said then: “I will never offend anyone again and will never look evilly at anyone. I thank God for such people in the world, thanks to whom we can now sleep with my son with a peaceful mind.”

An evil mind very often explains to me the following: “When you have a lot of money, you should not give anyone any financial help. And what is more important, do not love anyone. Love is not needed in the struggle for money. Sometimes you need to leave love, honesty and justice. Love is a concept from a fairy tale, where there are neither corporations, nor firms, plants, enterprises.”

After our acquaintance Lydia Petrovna chained her heart to me. She even looked at me and said: “It’s a pity that Elena is not my daughter!”

My love warmed her, and the following thoughts were born in Lydia Petrovna’s mind: “Ah! What a sweet, loving girl who became a wife of my son with two children. I want to call her more and more often. And I want to hug her. She will never say a bad word or look evilly at anyone. I would like to have an eternal friendship with her and would never want to part with her. She’s so nice, sweet, kind and intelligent! I just love her!”

Of course, with my appearance, Sergey’s mother had some extra good thoughts. And her heart has also become kinder. She began to smile more often, to behave a little better with the workers, and she began to treat Sergey better.

After a while Sergey called me and asked: “Well, will we go on a honeymoon trip? I have vouchers for one luxury recreation center. There you can climb mountains and go skiing. There is a swimming pool, a sauna, a massage room, a gym, a small cozy cinema and a shower for two there. Although there is a lot of this in our house, but still, let’s go. So what do you say if we go there together with the children as we planned? “I answered Sergey:" Hello, my beloved! Of course, we will go there with the whole family to spend our honeymoon. I really want it. And then I will make something up with my work. “Sergey answered me: “Okay. Done!”

But we did not manage to have a honeymoon trip. Our plans suddenly changed when the younger son got a fever in the evening. After some time, the ambulance took the child to the hospital. On the way to the hospital the child became even worse and the temperature rose even higher. The child became ill and was immediately taken to the intensive care unit. Lydia Petrovna got angry with me and said: “What did you do to my grandson? Where did you go with him? Did he run out sweat on the street, when you were waiting for the registration of an accident? Why did you park your car in the wrong place? You could call Sergey to come and take the children home. But no! She is a very clever and very independent girl and does not need any help. Was it so? You switched-on the stove in the car, and these fidgets began to run wild, don’t they? Why are you silent? He is a very weak child and cannot be sick. Didn’t Sergey warn you? How’s my boy?” Of course, everyone is always treated differently to somebody else’s children!!!”

Sergey’s mom stood and trembled with excitement for her young grandson, like an aspen leaf. And I calmly told her that the boy was not going out of the car anywhere, but was playing with a toy.

Doctors have not told us the reason of the boy’s fever yet. But I think that after a while they will tell us the reason. While Lydia Petrovna was looking for the guilty, the doctors came out and told us: “The child ate something and was got poisoned. We helped him in time. Now he is better and he is given a dropper. He is sleeping now. By the way, the boy called a girl named Elena. Maybe you will try to remember what exactly and when the child ate!”

Of course, a three-day salad of mushrooms came to Lidia Petrovna’s mind first, which remained after the festive tables, and which she fed her grandson at dinner.

No one knows why it happened so. The housekeeper did not have time to sort out things after the last feast, and Lydia Petrovna was in a hurry to some important meeting and throughout the dinner she was telling Sergey about the company’s affairs.

Approaching Lydia Petrovna, I took her hand and said: “It’s okay, mom! I’m glad he’s better!”

Lydia Petrovna sat down on a chair! Then she looked at me regretting the words she had told me!

A few days later, little Victor recovered completely. Lidia Petrovna called me and apologized several more times, very much regretting her words. But I answered her: “I did not even take umbrage at you, because I love you.” Lidia Petrovna’s eyes became wet, and she said silently: “Lena is a real person whom you can meet once in a lifetime.”

I and Sergey did not manage to carry out our plans related to the honeymoon. Little Victor was still weak after the poisoning, and two days later, when he felt better, the eldest son got sick with the flu. And there were some difficulties at the company, so I had to be with children all the time! Our housekeeper left to take care of her sick father, and for some reason we couldn’t find another one. So, I had to look after the children. And it is a bad idea to leave the sick children with the nurse and go on vacation. It won’t be a rest for me.

Sergey spent most of the time at work and did the most difficult tasks for his mother. Almost every day he came home very late week at the knees. And I was busy with children who did not leave me for a single minute. Am I tired of children? Not at all! There is nothing better than love, care and help.

When the children recovered, Lydia Petrovna said to me: “My dear Elena! Our firm has one opened well-paid vacancy. We fired one person for underperforming. We had many problems because of him. The income and efficiency of our company waned. I’m sure, my beautiful Lenochka, that thanks to your efforts, we will be able to make our business prosperous, and will be able to increase our profits significantly. You will be very well-paid and you will be able to afford almost everything. You will be able to realize your dreams. You can go on vacation. You can buy a new house for your parents and your brother. You can look ahead with confidence.” But how does she know that I was going to build a house for my parents and Artem, if only Sergey knew about it? Either he coughed up to his mom or Lydia Petrovna actually gets into the problems of other people!

Of course, Lydia Petrovna wanted to do me a favor by arranging me for a high-paid job. But she also understood that it was highly unlikely that they could find a good candidate in the near future. She also understood that I can easily refuse her offer, because now I am the wife of her son, and I have enough money.

But where will I spend all these money if I agree? Will I amass it safely, or will I be haughty? Or maybe I will help people in need. What is the aim of my life? What is important to me and what do I enjoy? What is valuable to me and what pleases me? What help do other people need? If I amass all the money in the world at my home, what will I enjoy then? In my thoughts, I am already shifting huge piles of money from a large bag into a huge metal safe. I also see in my head broad acres, huge houses and yachts, swinging on light waves. I already have it all, but I cannot just sit and do nothing. Probably, I am very hard-working. I do not want to be told about me: “She refused to help us, and she lived all inclusive.”

I also do not want to be like Lydia Petrovna, who likes when people look at her from the bottom up and say: “We will never achieve such heights!” And she also likes when they ask the question: “How did she manage to achieve this all?” She also likes when people say:" Look, what a clever, strong, purposeful, serious, strong-willed, hard-working, self-sacrificing, not wasting time, a woman!”

Seeing how people look at her, Lydia Petrovna showed out pride and, not noticing the problems of other people, began to enjoy the malicious blind insane arrogance. When she found out that my brother lives in a rented apartment and brings up a young child, and when she found out that they barely had enough money to live, she caught a sense of pleasure for a few seconds and felt like a queen looking at beggars, thinking the following: “How wonderful it is that there are people who live much worse than mine. I like when such people look at me from the bottom up and open their mouths. As if I immediately begin to feel good. And I did not really like when my neighbor replaced the old wooden windows in his small old house with plastic ones! What can I enjoy now?” Lydia Petrovna never offered money for my brother, but she only thought:" Let him try to achieve something by himself as I did.”

Now I see and understand that Lydia Petrovna’s enterprise needs a complete reorganization. As I said, she simply does not have anyone in mind. She needs honest, purposeful, intelligent, and able to think logically, people. One of the candidates for this position was known for being constantly engaged in some machinations with money. The other two candidates simply would not have been able to cope with this task since their intellectual abilities were limited. Well, the fourth candidate was hampered by his chronic illness. So, people who were looking for new employees just made a helpless gesture. She did not have to choose.

If I agree to her proposal, I will not have much time for children, for Sergey and for other matters, because I will need to work only for the affairs of the company. The children will be with the nanny, and Sergey and I will always be at work! Children will ask: “Why do we see our parents so rarely? Why do our parents come home very late and almost never play with us? Why do we spend very little time with them?” It’s up to me to decide. But most likely I’ll happily agree to Lydia Petrovna’s offer.

The next day I called my parents. My father took the telephone. Of course, I started to tell him only good things. I said to my father: “Hello, my beloved father! How are you and mom doing? How is your health?” My father replied:" We are doing well. Mom is at work now!” I honestly did not expect another answer from him. “Mom is at work”, but with what words does he take her to work, and with what words does he meet her? The eternal grumbling and displeased face of my father satiated my mother with constant psychoses, bitter grievances, anger, irritation, quarrels and a vile crookedness for all my life, although she dreamed of something else for her whole life. I said to him: “My dear dad, I love you very much. Please tell our mother that I love her too.” Father, not understanding my hint of love, answered me:" All right! I’ll tell her!”

My mother dreamed of building or buying a new home for a long time. Our old house was completely dilapidated, and there was no reason to repair it. It could only be sold or dismantled, and a new one could be built on this place. Our family simply needed money, and I soon decided to agree to Lydia Petrovna’s offer. When Lydia Petrovna offered me a job and once again told me that I could earn money and buy a new home for my parents, Sergey was with us in our living room that is why he did not offered me to remodel my parents’ house on his own initiative. Oddly enough, that Lydia Petrovna no longer said that it was necessary for my brother to build a house as soon as possible, because she was calmer when she knew that there are those people in her life whom she can haughty to hover on a cloud and can seem special! The last time she said with a smile: “You need to build a house for your parents!” Well, when the conversation turned on Artem, Lidia Petrovna began to fidget a little on the chair and made a strange face! Nobody ever told her about it, accordingly, not seeing herself from the outside, she continued to behave that way, and to enjoy it.

A few days later I accepted the proposal for work. We shifted our honeymoon for another time. Two days later I started to work. And this intensive daily work has become an integral part of my life. Physical and nervous tension increased several times. I’ve never worked like that before.

One year later one fine evening, when I had the hardest working day, my mom called me quite unexpectedly. She was very sad and she really wanted to talk to me. Hearing my tired voice, she was very upset. I could not hide my fatigue, which accumulated the whole year. My mom said: “My dear daughter! Could you spend less time at work? I cannot see you so tired! I worry about you. You cannot work late at night and almost without days off. Why do you need this money? Whether it will make you healthy? I remember the time when I also worked on two jobs to raise you with Artem and to feed our drinking father! Because of such overloads I’ve got terrible aches of the whole body. So, my daughter, please, do something to work less. Of course, we are very pleased that Artem now has his own new apartment and a new house is under construction. We are also glad that our old house is demolished and a new one is being built on this place, but I beg you, take care of yourself. You do not know how to rest! You overwork all the time! The apartment was bought! Houses almost finished! Why do you need to work so hard? Are you such an indispensable worker?”

Of course, I was almost an indispensable worker, because my mind, desire to earn and my goal made me do it.

After a while, Lydia Petrovna’s company flourished more than ever. Lydia Petrovna very rarely saw her grandchildren, since she devoted all her time to her work. The same thing happened with me and Sergey. Meetings with clients, exhibitions, executing of agreement, business trips, presentations, talent acquisition took away all our time and energy.

As for my father, he was very glad that I was doing a lot. He was also glad that they had a new brick two-storey house, a new fence, a new garage, a new large arbor, new sidewalks, an outdoor swimming pool, a sauna and a new offroadster.

My father said to himself: “It’s good that my daughter earns good money! Even if it’s a bit hard, but it’s worth to do it for that money!” But what is the most interesting is that he always said: “Nowadays, we need to look for a place where it’s easier to work, and not where they pay a big salary.”

Time passed and after five long years of labor I heard from Lydia Petrovna: “Dear Lenochka and Sergey! I’m very tired and I’m about to retire. I will leave my company to Sergey as my only son and heir. I am sixty-five years old and because of my health I cannot carry such a production machine.”

On retirement, Lidia Petrovna bought a huge country house with various courtyards. There were a sauna, a bath-house, a tennis court, a small stable, a huge indoor pool, several garages, a huge garden, a small lake and a small pine forest. There were also a pine forest and a large lake behind the country house. Lydia Petrovna was happy with her life! She said to herself: “I’m happy! I have a son, two grandsons and a huge house with all the amenities. I have huge cash savings, which will be enough for me until the end of my days, and also enough for my children and my grandchildren.” But still, Lydia Petrovna was a little unhappy when she recalled the offense she had inflicted on me. She often said: “I wish I had never said such offensive words in that tone. I will never say it again. My reputation of a good lady has scattered to the winds!”

Before retiring, Lidia Petrovna thanked me and Sergey for all our achievements, and thanked all the employees of the company and awarded bonuses to them.

Of course, I had some problems with my health before Lidia Petrovna retired. But always, when I got worse, she did an intelligent face and said with humor: “And what should we do, Lenochka? It’s just costs of production! I also take medicines from time to time and go on working hard.”

Now I still cannot get pregnant from Sergey. It’s my fault, not his. So, I have to keep on conducting business of the enterprise and keep on loving two beautiful adopted boys who call me mom. I will hope and pray that one day a new life will originate in me.

I have not seen my mother for about two years. We did not have time to visit them, and my mother also could not come here, because of her health condition.

As for my father, he did not want to see or hug me and talk with his own daughter. Do I call him once a month? No, I don’t! I call him twice a week. I even called them several days in a row. My father could not stand it and said: “Why do you call us so often?” Then he felt guilty a little, apologized and said: “Never mind, Lena, I’m joking.”

As for Artem, it was a whole different story. We dealt with him very well. I sent him money, and he built a new house for his family. He supervised the construction works by himself. His low self-esteem and disconfidence that our father instilled in him were drowned out, but did not disappear at all.

I remember the words of our father, who once said: “You are a generation of fools, and you and your sister are unlikely to succeed.” I also remember as he was arguing with our mother, and suddenly she felt very bad, and holding her heart, she said: “Something’s wrong with me.” After these words, our father thought: “Maybe, I’m doing something wrong?” Of course, that evening my father remained thinking alone, because my mother was taken to the hospital by the ambulance. Mom felt uneasy. Her heart ached, and she was very weak.

Well, what about our business? We continued to conduct the affairs of the company together with Sergey. I asked him once: “Sergey, how would you like to spend so much money? Why do you stack them in such numbers? “Sergey shook his head and said: “I feel more confident, if I have enough money. This money will ensure our future and the future of our children. With this money they can afford a lot.”

I do not know about Sergey, but I had a desire to help people in need. There are too many people in need in our city. There are too many people whose houses were burned down. There are too many orphans who need home. There are too many families with disabled children. There are too many elderly people who have no one to repair old roofs of their houses.

I really wanted to help people to solve their problems. I really wanted to give them love and prosperity.

Why don’t some of the rich people have this desire? Why do some people donate money only when they are glorified by other people for this? If they asked me: “What would you choose: to become famous for the whole world and at the same time help only one child? Or maybe you would not become famous, but help the whole world? “Of course, I would choose only the second option.

One of my acquaintances, whom we “accidentally” met in the process of work, has her own charitable foundation. I asked her to take me to her workplace. And she happily answered me: “There are few people of your timber, Elena.”

In this fund, families with many children, single mothers and families with disabled children could receive help. I personally contributed from my savings a considerable amount of money to the fund’s account. Sergey and his mom looked at me very oddly. The following thoughts swept through their heads: “How can you give the money in such quantity? You have been honestly earning them for days and nights? Maybe she does not understand that she will not be able to save the whole world anyway.”

A year later I told Sergey: “I would like to go into the problems of people more closely and I would like to dedicate all my life to work where I have the opportunity to help people who have real problems and difficulties. Let someone else take my place in the company.” Sergey replied: “I’ll think about it.”

But Sergey did not think alone. Of course, he phoned his mother and explained the situation. Lydia Petrovna said in response: “She cannot go anywhere now! No one can cope with this work, except of her. Couldn’t she tell me about her plans, her secret desires a few years ago?! And now, when everything is going well in our company and wholesale customers are satisfied, she decides to fade away! I thought she is much smarter. If she had said that she was going to do this when the situation in the company stabilized, then I would have looked for someone else to replace her! By the way, it turns out that other people are more important to her than we are, doesn’t it? Of course, it’s easy to love someone you want for such money. It’s even nice to have two someone else’s children! Oh, what a piece of goods!!!”

Lydia Petrovna took a lightning-fast decision to come to me before work and tell me everything in person. She came to me the next morning, when I was going to work. When I opened the door for Lydia Petrovna, I saw the look that I once saw among all my abusers when I was sixteen. Her angry malicious eyes reminded me one of those guys. Lydia Petrovna came into the house and waving her hands a little, she said: “I came here to talk to you very seriously! I do not want you to leave work! Now is not the time! Lena! I cannot keep ‘this’ in myself, because you act badly. Who should I look for now! Wait a little, and then do what you want.” All these words were said in an unacceptable unhappy tone. Her eyes and intonation frightened me, and I took a step back, twisted my leg and fell to the floor. After the fall, I grabbed my stomach and felt a sharp cutting pain. Lydia Petrovna cried out with horror in her eyes: “What happened? What happened? Lena, what’s wrong with you? What has happened to you?” Sergey froze from what he saw, ran up to me and said: “Why do you always poking in, mom?!” Only after that he called an ambulance and took me to the hospital by car. He saw my severe pain, and looking at me, he said that I would endure and keep as a real strong warrior. When Sergey was taking me to the hospital, an evil mind told me: “Sergey does not control his mother and looks like a nincompoop. How can you love such a fool? His insanity will outweigh the insanity of several alcoholics. It is just silly, evil, uncontrollable emotions without reason. How amazing! Do you still want to love all these people? Leave love and live peacefully! They have already promised never to offend you. They have said to themselves many times: ‘We will never offend such a sweet, loving girl, and we will never raise voice at her.’ They promised but did not keep their word! Do they love you? These people do not need anything except of money! They are alive physically, but spiritually they are dead. Find friends elsewhere.”

In the hospital they told me that I would stay alive, but my child would not live. I knew about my pregnancy and was going to tell Sergeн about it, but, unfortunately, I did not have time to do it. An evil mind explained to me: “It’s all right. If you had time to tell Sergey about it, then his mother would also know about it. And after that they would know that you cannot be offended. But these stupid people cannot understand that one cannot offend the other even when the other is not pregnant. These people cannot settle their minds and get rid of evil thoughts. They cannot clean their minds from top to bottom. But you still try to do your best for them. Look what’s in their heads! Do you remember when you was a small child you dug earthworms to feed hens, and your father talk to them more often than to you? Do you remember how pleasant it was to keep a jar with those worms? Do you remember how tightly they intertwined with each other when they were in a jar? The same worms live in minds of many people. The worm of hatred, the worm of irritation, the worm of pride, the worm of stupidity and insanity, the worm of greed, the worm of envy, the worm of lust, the worm of insults, the worm of vengeance and many other fat worms, at the sight of which little children scream: ‘Mom, look what a worm!’ Do you still think that putting the worm of love into this tightly woven ball will cause a miracle? Do you really think that after that all the other worms will disengage and crawl out of the jar? Stop it! Enough is enough! Their head, like this jar, is completely full of worms and they really like their contents! Why should you love these people? Why try? You torture yourself. This is not life. Give it up! It’s easier to dig a few hectares of land with a shovel than to defeat yourself, defeat these people and continue to love.”

After Sergey brought me to the hospital, Lidia Petrovna came to the hospital as well. One of the doctors said: “Probably, these crazy millionaires get up with something, and she fell and lost her child. Okay! This is their business. We do not have time to deal with stupid things and find out what’s wrong. We are still waiting for surgery today and we should visit patients.” After the operation, the doctors left the operating room and told Sergey and his mother the following words: “The operation was successful. The patient will recover soon. Now she needs peace! But, alas, she lost the child. She needs peace, smiles and concern of her inner circle.” After the said words, Sergey’s mother felt sick and took a chair. Then Sergey approached to her and said: “Hush, mom, hush, hush!”

Lydia Petrovna could not even imagine that such events could happen in her family. Her whole life flashed before her eyes. She kept repeating the same words without stopping: “Why did I do that with her? What a mean person I am! Forgive me, I beg of you! Forgive me, please, my children! I am so sorry! Money, money… God damn it!”

When I was transferred to the ward, a girl came to visit me, who worked in our company, and who loved me very much. This girl was very good. But many our colleagues did not like her. Lydia Petrovna also did not like her for the fact that her mind worked a little differently in comparison with lots of our employees. Many of them called her a stupid clumsy, who composed the treaty and made reports with difficulty. She was very ashamed of this. And only I said to her: “Do not worry, my friend! You’ll do. It takes just a little time. “She brought me a very delicious soup in the ward. Then she sat down beside me and began to cry. I said to her: “What a wonderful soup. I have never eaten such a delicious wonderful soup.” The girl thanked me with a smile and went home.

The nurse treated me with love and gave me injections on time. She liked her work. She liked to cure people and liked to smile. A minute later I heard that she was talking to her husband: “I do not know what to do. I’m already tired of these rented apartments and be waiting for another time to be asked to leave again. Where should we look for a new apartment now? I want to come to my house one day and be sure that we will not be on the street. I really do not want to live in other people’s apartments. I want to be sure that this is ours. I looked at the prices of some houses, but we do not have even a half of the amount. If we take a loan, then we could not make children in the near future, but I have always wanted a couple of children. Unfortunately, we do not have enough for our dwelling! Well, beloved, see you in the evening!” Having said these words, the beautiful nurse put down the phone. An evil mind told me: “They have no mind, so they cannot earn a living. If she had as much intelligence as you have, she would not have been just a nurse.” But if you listen to such thoughts, then the question arises: “Who will treat me? What has the money to do with it? She really likes her work.”

I called this nurse and asked her: “Excuse me, please. I heard your conversation accidentally and really want to help you with your problem. Tell me, how much money do you need to buy your house?” The nurse, looking at me surprisingly, answered: “We do not have enough of it! But why do you ask me about it? Did you want something?” I continued the conversation and asked: “I want to help you. So, how much do you need to buy your house?” The nurse answered: “Almost one million rubles!” I asked her: “When do you have a vacation?” The nurse replied: “My vacation will start in about three weeks. Why do you ask me about it?” Then I said to the nurse: “So go to your vacation and take my card with you. There is a sufficient amount to buy a house for four. The card PIN is four sevens, not to forget it.” The nurse answered: “Maybe this is some sort of a joke?” I answered her: “It’s not a joke. It’s all real!” The nurse asked me:" But why are you doing this? This money is more necessary for you and your family.” I answered her: “Do not worry about me! I have more than enough. But if I help you, I’ll just be fabulously happy.” The nurse looked at me with a kind, sweet look and could not object to me. Her heart began to pound, and her voice trembled from the joyous experience.

After the conversation, the nurse thanked me, and went to the ATM, check the contents of the card. She was very shocked from what she saw.

An evil mind said to me: “Who throws such cash around? This is great amount of money. And you should always keep it with you. This nurse is not special. What did you see in her? You lost your child yesterday, so why should you see the happiness of other people and rejoice for them? Let them have the same thing as yours. They now give birth to their children, but what about you? You do not know yet whether you will have children. After all, it was very difficult for you to get pregnant. Why did you reject this pleasant feeling of envy? After all, to be honest, you are upset when you see young mothers with their own children, and it is not easy for you. And what will your stupid Sergey say to this when he finds out that you gave a million and a half to a stranger? You still cannot save the world, don’t you think about it?

In this sphere there is no end in sight. You will never save anyone. Your help is like a drop in a bucket. Do you think that Sergey will be over the moon, and will rejoice, hearing this? He will not understand you. How can you even love such a husband who completely does not understand you? Look, what his attitude towards you has led to. After all, if he had a mind, he never allowed his mother to treat to you like that! It is clear that he grew up without a father. But he simply must be sure that two females never quarrel with each other. You needed to look at this family even then. They are very bad and not very smart. For them, another person is just nothing. They do not like people. You are quite a different story. You are clever, loving, penetrating, beautiful and talented. How can anyone ever forgive this to such a mad, angry mother? How can you talk to her after that? How? Explain! It’s better to leave them and get back to your sick mother and forget about them once and for all. How easy it is for the rich to become proud. Well, you know that pride lives only in fools, because pride severely offends and humiliates other people, and an intelligent person never offends anyone. Why should he do this? Pride lives where there is no reason and love. You have nothing to do with this family. Sergey! Sergey! Sergey! Sergey! Do you remember at least one good deed of your Sergey? Maybe he did only one thing. He stood at the school and told the guys: “Why are you closing the guy in the closet? He also has a mother who loves him!” But his heart was always rude and his mother never taught him good clever things, because thoughtless brains cannot do this. The thoughtless brains have only learned to earn money and build marketing plans. Is your Lydia Petrovna good?! No, she isn’t! She’s very bad! But she has a lot of money! And she is happy with the fact that she is both rich and at the same time bad. Follow the example of her. Calm down your love, kindness, mercy and cease to be good and rely on your wealth. Calm down your heart and say: “Everything is fine with me! I am rich, and I’m not interested in another things. What is good of being kind and very good? It is better to be rich and successful! You’d better get richer. But you wouldn’t. She decided to become a kind handicraft teacher from a good children’s fairy tale. Shame on you! When you are on your deathbed, then hand out your money earned with great difficulty, but now just collect them. Well, what a family you get hooked up with! But they are certainly better than your father, because they can at least accept this love, although, being double-minded, they are shaky in.”

After a while Sergey came to me. He looked suspiciously at me and was silent. I lay on the hospital bed and waited for Sergey to sit down beside me, to hug me and say: “My darling! I’m with you. How do you feel?” But he did not do it, and asked: “Why didn’t you tell me about your pregnancy?! Everything could be different! Why didn’t you tell me? If you had said, you would not have lost the baby.”

Evil thoughts told me again: “What sort of a husband you have? A husband who cannot calm down his mother so she does not attack you. Of course, she does not have anything in common with you. You’re a stranger to her. The grandchildren and Sergey are more important for her than you. The fact that you have become a wife to her son, means absolutely nothing to her. Although if she had at least a little mind and love, then she would understand that now it is impossible to rule over anyone. But she’s not that kind of a person. She still continues to rule over her son. Even now, Sergey reminds of his mother, saying: ‘If my mom were you, she would…’ Remember how they looked for the guilty when the ambulance was taking the boy to the hospital. Yes! Of course, they had to find the cause of the rising temperature, but the fact that the guy needed comfort and words of love did not really bother them for some reason. Only you said those words, because you’re special. You’re not like everyone else. You steer clear. You are ten or even a hundred times smarter than them. Did they find the cause of the rising temperature? No, they didn’t. Although the bluish limbs and other apparent signs told only of poisoning. But they blame you for everything. The same thing is happening now. No mind, no love! They only have a lot of money. Only money makes them happy. They calm them down, make them self-confident and bring them endless joy. Their hearts are petrified and they no longer have pity, mercy, kindness, peace and love. Well, in fact you have a lot to think about, haven’t you? He did not tell you: ‘WE would not have lost a baby.’ He told you: ‘YOU would not lose a baby!’ Probably, he has enough of his two children. Well, to tell the truth, he did not try a lot to have the third baby. The main thing is that he himself did not stay without children!”

After these thoughts, I said to Sergey: “Hug me, please! Say that you love me!” Sergey raised his voice a little and said: “I asked you a question! Please answer it!” Of course, I did not become irritated in response, because love is not irritated. I calmly answered his question, saying the following words: “Your mother’s birthday is coming soon and I wanted to make her a gift a week before, having reported such news. Like at the wedding, I wanted to sing you a song about a mother, who is looking forward to the birth of her baby. I have already thought up words and selected music, but, unfortunately, this song will not be heard. Forgive me! I should have told you before!” Sergey lowered his head and said quietly: “Oh, dear, we must ask for your forgiveness. My dear Lenochka, let me embrace you and say that I love you, and ask you to forgive me! I love you very much and will love you for the rest of my life, no matter what. What can I do for you that would prove my love to you? Do you have any ideas?” I shrugged and said with a smile: “I do not know, darling.” Sergey said: “Listen! And don’t you have with you the card, where there were about two million rubles for the birth of our baby? I could have borrowed money from you, and would have bought you a gift, otherwise I just forgot my card at home! What do you say?” I answered Sergey: “Darling! I have already made the best gift for myself that I have dreamed of for many years.” Sergey asked: “You probably already withdrew the money and bought what you wanted for a long time, didn’t you?” I answered Sergey: “No! This card I gave to one person who was in great financial need.” Sergey opened his eyes wide, which immediately dried up from tears and said: “Who is that man? Is that your friend or relative? However, it does not matter! This is your business and your card. But nevertheless, who is he?” I answered that it was the nurse who was on duty yesterday afternoon. Sergey asked: “And why did you give money to her, but not anybody else? Although okay, you may not answer! What done is done! But you know, Lena, I do not regret about the money, but you could at least tell me or consult me. Okay. You always do what you want.” Sergey slightly turned his face away and began to whisper softly: “You do everything by yourself! I cannot really feel like a man with you! You are always one step ahead! Why do you need me then? You cede only out of politeness and because of some of your goals, but you always do what you want.” Hearing these words, I replied to Sergey: “Of course, I fell in love with you very much. I fell in love with your children. I fell in love with your mother. I fell in love with your habits and weaknesses. I continue to love all of you day and night. When our housekeeper was ill and for some reason we could not find a substitute for her I prepared food and washed clothes for you by myself, spent all my free time with children, when no one could do it, because I love you very much. Why could not we find a new housekeeper so quickly? Maybe I wanted to pamper you. I try my best to behave so that your mother does not worry and does not say: “What a bad wife my son has got!” I suffer every day from the fact that no one will want to love such a strong and intelligent person like me. I wanted to have a child from you, and I wanted to be always next to you and being strong and smart I wanted to feel completely different with you.” After my words, Sergey lowered his head again and, having caught a great sense of humility and love, took a deep breath.”

An evil mind said to me: “How can you be so blind as your husband! When your housekeeper had been falling ill for two months, you washed, cleaned the big house and cooked the food. But there is one misfortune! Your Sergey did not even notice it at all. What had he been thinking about all those two months? Much less the time spent with children. But they also do not notice this and do not thank for it. They are just selfish evil earth moles with sunglasses on their eyes. Well, when this selfish man was offended by the fact that you did not give him your consent to the marriage for two weeks, it was a kind of clinic in general. He is used to being given an answer right away, so this still scares him terribly. He is an amazing sinful spoiled blind selfish person! Well, what can we say about his mother, she does not know how to love, she likes only to accept this love, like your childhood friend who called and told you that she had lived a life without love, that she had buried her mother, and then only realized that she had lived a life without love. How these people still cannot understand that true love is forever. And it is unlikely that they will ever be able to understand it. Look at Sergey and his mom’s behavior during the past two days. You love them, and they are ready not understanding it themselves, to drive you to the grave, if only you do not touch their money. They do not even notice this, as they have never noticed their dark side inside themselves. They will always be dissatisfied with something! But why is it so? What do you think? They are constantly bearing hard on you, because you cannot blow them for blow. They are like blind mothers and fathers, who always humiliate their children’s pride. Well, as for Sergey, you do not spend his money. You’re wasting yours. He told you: “Dispose of the things as you like, darling!” And now he is sitting next to you on the bed, turning his face away and whispering to himself “By herself, herself”. Do you think he has come here to regret, stroke, embrace and say that he loves you very much? No! First he counts the money, then he grumbles to himself the words of resentment and selfish anger, and only then he will think about you. These people are without any problems ready to exchange love for something else. All of them deserve something else, and you stick to them with your love. Why are you still messing with them? Look at these people. Your mother, who does not know how to choose husbands and who cannot forbid your father humiliating you, your angry, constantly annoyed blind selfish father, irritable angry Victoria Sergeyevna, being in need of humility, your friends, Sergey and his mother do not want and cannot love anyone. Well, other people are not worth talking about! You go to them with love, and what are they? Do they go towards you? How else to cause friendliness and love in them? Probably, this is not possible. How can you reject the most beautiful thing in the world? They hate, offend, then cry and regret. Then again they hate, offend, curse, they continue to do evil deeds and say bad words. And then they repent, and again looking at the sky, they say: “It is a pity that we behaved so with her! She’s very nice and good! “Well, many of them never apologize at all and do not ask forgiveness for their misdemeanors and resentment. They just live, offend and turn their faces away.”

When the doctor came, he asked Sergey to get out, and then he began to examine me. The doctor saw that I was very upset. He saw that I was not in a good mood. After examining me, the doctor said: “You need to rest more and do not need to have arguments with anybody. It’s very noisy in the corridor. And your voice is heard in other chambers. Patients in the hospital wards want peace. “I answered: “Excuse us, please! We will not do this anymore! “After that the doctor passed Sergey and did not even look at him. Sergey watched the doctor and, going to my room, said: “Okay, Lenok! I must be on my way to work. There’s a lot to do at work! See you tomorrow. Sergey fell into a brown study and left me. Some thoughts told him: “What a good wife you’ve got. You’re very happy with her.” Other thoughts made him doubt about me and told him: “You do not like her independence. She could not give you her consent to the marriage for two weeks, and after the question: “Why so long”, she answered: “For no particular reason”. How could she do that?! It’s all up to her! All by herself! She does not need any advice guardianship or help. She wants to give most of her money to the poor. Why she do this? After all, other rich people donate the smallest percentage of their incomes to their charity fund, so I’ll let her donate a small percentage as well.”

Lydia Petrovna cried and regretted that she was angry with me that day. But at the same time, she was offended because I did not want to work at her company any more. But did I offend them? Why did they decide that I should not leave this office? Lydia Petrovna just asked me to put her company business in order. Other details were not discussed. I was very tired and could not stand such an exhausting schedule and once I said: “I want to retire!” How can Lydia Petrovna understand me? How can a perfectly healthy woman understand a tired and exhausted one? Probably, she would understand it, when I would become quite ill at ease, and I would check into the hospital due to working hard and lack of sleep. And she would also understand that something goes wrong if it would happen with her personally. But Sergey and his mother could not understand it. Sergey did not even understand it, when I lay down after the operation. With his whisper and resentment he deprived me of physical and spiritual health. And in general, some of our employees are able to cope with my work. There are no irreplaceable people in the world. It’s just that Lydia Petrovna sees the perfection of her company in that exact position, as now, and she has become accustomed to the fact that I am always at her side and I am ready to do everything she asks for any time. And in general, why do they offend me?”

Why this often happens to me? I’m strong, but sometimes I curl up, feel some inner fear, lie under the blanket and cannot even straighten my legs. Is it an old injury? Or maybe it’s my character trait? Maybe the absence of someone’s love? Or a mental disorder? Probably, I am strong and at the same time very weak! Probably, I can do everything by myself, and at the same time I cannot do anything. Probably, I am brave and at the same time I am afraid of lots of things. Bright before the wedding, I also lay curled up in a big house near the lake. I felt lonely, and I was scared, and now it’s repeated again. The same feelings, the same cold. But why? Why am I curled up, trembling and feeling lonely?

An evil mind told me again: “What kind of love can they have? They just took from you what they wanted to take. They took it, and when you refused to give what they needed, they immediately became unhappy. You appeased Sergey, smiled at his mother, brought up their two boys, but still, when you expressed your own opinion, they crushed you. They are able to put anyone on the back foot because of money. They love money and well-being. Many people also like it, because this is what is called material well-being. But the question arises: ‘Why does it blind them so that they are ready to lash out at anybody anytime?’ They do not need love. This feeling is not familiar to them; they do not know this practice of constant love. These people ponder their moves day and night, make plans that ordinary people find incomprehensible. They do not care how they achieve their goal. With conscience or without, in good or in a bad way, with love or without. And what is the goal if they reject good deeds, mercy, love, and at the same time they get angry and annoyed, cut wages, do not keep their promises, and insanely rejoice in their hearts for their successes and money? They are very bad and stupid. It would be better to negotiate working conditions and terms, but nobody wanted to do it, because they really wanted you to accept the office.”

Recently I said to Lydia Petrovna: “I’m very tired of my work. I understand that the company’s income and reputation will not be the same as before, but I cannot work there anymore. I’ve carried out my promise. I feel absolutely done in. I think that you can find a substitute for me.” Sergey’s mom replied: “OK, take a rest and do everything you want.” Then she thought: “It’s a pity that now the profit will not be as usual. Elena could find new wholesale customers better than others. We just got out of the loans and gave out all the crazy debts. She could work a little, but she didn’t. She is young! Why do I have the strength, but she doesn’t?!”

When I turned up to work, many employees asked what had happened to me after all. But I answered that it was just a simple accident.

Lydia Petrovna did not invite me to her house. She could not look into my eyes after what had happened. She called herself the murderer of her grandson or granddaughter. I told her that I forgave her that morning. But she nodded her head and, agreeing with this, tried to avoid me, feeling ashamed and guilty.

After three months, the company has undergone some changes. Sergey found a man who agreed to perform my duties. Sergey approached me and said: “I found a man who agreed to perform your duties. And he will cope with this work.” I answered: “Thank you, my beloved. I’m very glad. I will also help him a few hours a day, when I have free time. “Sergey replied: “Okay.”

An evil mind said to me: “Oh, these selfish spoiled brazen and strange people. They are accustomed to behave like that as small children. They do not hesitate to attack people with evil eyes. They cannot find a substitute for you in time. They are able only to swear. And they would not let you go from work just because they need a lot of money. And they need to do some stupid stuff, about which they will regret later. They need to say, push, humiliate, grin and offend if something suddenly does not happen by their will. And they cannot keep “IT” down, as Lydia Petrovna says. They made you deal with a whole enterprise and two children, but they never thanked you for it, but took it for granted and added you a bonus in the form of a high tone. You multiplied care and love, and they multiplied blindness, endless irritation, psychosis and discontent. But thanks to you, their inner negativity has always faded a little, but then returned anyway. Well, if there were no your love and mind, then the endless irritation and pressure on you would be provided to you for sure. They are very arrogant people. And anyway, you got a complete mess with these posts. If they did not lose anything with your retirement, they would not even say a single word to you. But since you surprised them very much announcing about your retirement, they realized that they would lose some percentage of their sales, then, of course, they were ready to get angry with you and they were ready to wipe the floor with love for the sake of the money. Do they need love? No, they don’t! Do they need money? Yes, they do. Do not say that they are dying of hunger. Not at all. Even without this enterprise they will have enough money for a few more lives. But they, as it was said before, just make use of your love and get a free ride on you, like a coach potato who will never help to wash dishes to his wife, because he is accustomed to the fact that his wife does not complain and does not ask for help, although she flakes out. And, unlikely Sergey would ever be indignant at you because of your work, if it was not for his mother. It is said: “We must live separately from our parents.” And you, they work in the director’s elite the whole family, which is much worse!

After these thoughts, I called Sergey and said: “I love you, Sergey!” And he said in response: “I also love you, Lena!”

An evil mind said to me: “Look how Sergey treats you! You’ve been living in a foreign city for several years now, and he treats you like your parents and brother lives on the next street. So many years have passed, and he never strengthened his love for you and sometimes he even tries to kindle a quarrel, but he does not get it because of your great ingenious intelligence and impetuous attempts to suppress all evil.”

Life continued on, and time ran inexorably forward. Our fund was developing, and every day we got deeper and deeper into the essence of this work. Sergey and me knew and penetrated into the problems of people, because when he came home he asked me: “Well, how are you doing, darling?” After listening to me, Sergey said: “I did not know that it is so great to help people and to give them love!” Once he even asked me to take him with me to one sick boy, so that he personally gave him some gifts, and he talked warmly to him about anything.

After my husband took part in visiting the families with such children, he became perplexed and said: “There is so much suffering and pain in the world, but we did not notice it at all. They all expect this necessary help, friendship, care, comfort, embrace, love and fellowship from someone. But very often they become upset, having waited nothing. Why is it so? Why are we indifferent so often? Have you seen how this boy looked at me? I liked going to them. Let’s visit them again.”

Sergey began to tell his mother something, and then she said: “Elena is very good. She helps people. Wow! I did not even dream of such a love! I read a lot of books about love, but I have never seen such love in my life.”

Once Sergey called his mother via Skype and said: “Today we went to several disabled children and gave them gifts, hugged them and said that we love them and that since now we are their friends. And they said that they are glad that now they have new friends. They said that they will definitely wait for us next time.” Sergey’s mom answered: “Well done!” When Lydia Petrovna finished her conversation with her son and put the phone down, she saw a neighbor who came home by his car. The following thoughts flashed in Lydia Petrovna’s head: “I’m smarter than my neighbor, I’m prettier than he, I am more determined than he and achieved more success. I have absolutely everything, the whole city knows me, I’m quite an influential person, I have the biggest and most beautiful house and I have the most expensive and the most beautiful white car of the latest model.” Admitting these thoughts in her mind, Lydia Petrovna greeted her neighbor and walked proudly to her house. But when she entered the house, she felt emptiness and loneliness. She did not understand why and from what is happening this way? Mercy was attached to her heart very, very rarely. Visiting the children and our stories made her glorify love and made tears run down her cheeks. But after a while she returned to her condition, and as if someone was talking inside her: “You feel emptiness! Well, you help someone, but what is next? Nothing!, you will feel again as wrecked ship. But do not forget your proud ‘I’, so live as you have liveв before and help no one in word. Do not help, neither healthy, nor sick, neither small nor adult, or even more young.”

Her neighbor always greeted her first because he understood that Lydia Petrovna was waiting for these words from him. If someone did not greet Lydia Petrovna first, then she was very offended, irritated, furious, and was ready to have a bone to pick with those who could not respond to her in return. So she did very often. Once when new neighbors appeared on her street, she got furious, approached them and asked who they were and where they had come from. But of course she asked them not to help them, seeing their needs. On the contrary, she asked it in order to experience the feeling of proud pleasure, changing her mind, how it changed it when she heard the words: “My brother Artem, his wife and their little child live in a rented apartment.” But she did not understand anything, asking the questions, when the husband and his wife looked at each other and humbly replied where they had come from. At that moment Lydia Petrovna thought: “What a good house I have, and, by the way, I have everything! And I’ll be upset if you have at least a small part of what I have!”

One day when Lydia Petrovna proudly looked at her neighbor, after he simply forgot to say hello to her first three days ago, she suddenly felt heartache and crouched on a beautiful paving stone and said: “Oh! It’s something wrong with my heart!” The neighbor took a ladder, which Lydia Petrovna always laughed at and, setting her to a high fence, climbed to her lot. This neighbor brought her home, gave her tablets with water and called an ambulance. After this incident, the relationship with the neighbor has completely changed. Lydia Petrovna no longer showed her superiority, not wanting to offend her neighbor again. And she felt uncomfortable to wait for the first greeting from somebody. Lydia Petrovna gave him a gift and said: “Thank you for your help!” Her insulting pride towards her neighbor left! But what should have appeared instead of sweet sinful pride? Now Lydia Petrovna greets the neighbor first, and never takes offense at this. Although the neighbor himself never took offense at the fact that he always had to say hello first. But he also remembers the most explosive terrible insult that broke out when once he just forgot to say hello to Lydia Petrovna first. In fact, if someone would have looked into the heart of this neighbor at the time of this insult, then such a person would simply be scary. But at that moment Lydia Petrovna’s heart was experiencing a completely different bold, proud, spiteful and resentful horror.

Time passed and my parents still had not come to me. My mother was sick, and my father was not eager to come to me. Sergey and I decided to leave our own and public affairs, and decided to visit my parents. We spent all day and night on the road. Having arrived, I saw the same old picture! My father still behaved as before. My mother gasped and sighed from physical suffering, to which few of them paid particular attention. The father continued to argue with my mother, and Artem gradually began to argue with his wife and continued to argue with his father. When I talked to my mother, I hugged her and said: “Mom! Look into my eyes and know that I love you very much. I’m ready for anything for you.” Mom embraced me and cried: “Daughter! How I love you and Artem. You are so good!” My father tried to enter the hall and stood looking at our embraces from the corridor, and then he said: “Okay, I’ll go to the kitchen and look at the boiled potatoes!” Then the father zealously thought:" She loves Artem and Lena! And what about me? Do not I have to be love?” Then my mother looked at my father and declined her head on my breast.

Staying a couple of days away, we left back. I and Sergey returned in the world of love again. Lydia Petrovna almost completely stopped interfering into our relations with Sergey and stopped dictating what to do. Sergey and I sighed with relief and experienced a real sense of freedom, and when we arrived home, we began to pack our luggage to the sea with the whole family, including Lydia Petrovna.

On the road, we had a good time. Our car was completely packed with things. Sergey quickly drove our car. When I asked him to slow down, he happily complied with my request. But Lydia Petrovna was satisfied with the speed. We stopped at some friends of Lydia Petrovna in one of their large houses. These friends behaved so that after a while Lidia Petrovna began to get changed in the wrong direction again. But realizing this, she said inside herself: “There is some dark pride and a gray mood in my heart. What I liked before, now I do not really like now. Everything inside of me has become dual. I want to extol and condemn someone, but at the same time something inside me says to me: “It’s also impossible! It’s bad! He’s alive! Just love him very much!” After talking with me for several years, many of the things she had enjoyed before became disgusting.

The next day the children and I went to the sea. We have been enjoying staying at sea for two weeks. Then we packed up and drove back home. Our children, lying on warm little pebbles, asked Sergey: “Why does our Elena never get angry and never offend anyone?” Sergey answered them: “Because we should be like her. Then no one in the world will suffer from insults and violence. Then all will enjoy love.” The guys answered: “Wow! We also want to be like her.” Sergey and the guys were very happy that I was with them. Sergey always told me: “I feel good with you!” Lydia Petrovna also began to tell me similar words: “With you, Elena, it’s getting warmer. You’re nice, kind and intelligent. Please, always be with us!” When we came back home from the resort, Sergey smiled and said to me: “So, our long-awaited honeymoon passed.” I answered him: “Thank you! Everything was very beautiful. Expecting is not difficult when you know what to expect. I thanked your mother for organizing a trip to the sea to her good friends. But I wanted you to thank her for that from both of us.” Sergey looked at me and said: “O.k. Let it be!”

After the holiday, we started our daily business. After the trip to the sea, it turned out that I was pregnant. My pregnancy pleased all the members of our large family. Lydia Petrovna and Sergey began to treat me much better. Lydia Petrovna said to Sergey: “I will try not to do anything this time. Sergey! I still feel guilty, for the fact that I came to you that day and began to find out something! It hurts me! Now Lena no longer wants to surprise us and immediately told us about her pregnancy! Although I will have a birthday in a week! You know, Sergey, it’s really scary me. You cannot imagine how I feel now! It hurts my soul, Sergey! And Lena already began to be afraid of us! Probably not in vain, she hurried to tell me about her pregnancy! How bad it is to be blind and a bad person! Seryozha! I guess I’m a terrible person!”

Time quickly moved forward. Being pregnant, I continued to visit disabled children for eight months. One boy asked me: “And is the child who lives in your belly healthy or is he just like me?” His question put me in an awkward position and I answered: “I do not know yet.” After this, the little boy said: “If he is born healthy, he will rarely be brought to play with me or will not be brought here at all. Maybe he will be born the same as me. Then I will have another friend.” From the words spoken, my tears began to flow down my cheeks. Looking at my belly and taking my things, I went home. I have been crying for a few minutes in my car. At this time Lydia Petrovna called me and asked: “Lena, what’s wrong with your voice? You are crying? What happened?” After hearing the story about the incident, Lydia Petrovna said: “Maybe you would have already started to rest?” I answered:" Yes! Probably, it’s time to take a rest.”

The last month of pregnancy, Sergey and I walked along the street and one day Sergey, putting his hand on my belly, said: “I am very glad that you appeared in my life. I love you very much.” Sergey liked our evening walks and fellowship. He also liked my athletic legs and other body parts.

The month passed very quickly, and the time of childbirth came. For about 12 hours I have been experiencing indescribable feelings. It seemed to me that this pain would never end. But when the pain ended, I heard a child crying. I saw a little beautiful girl and smiled to her. From the maternity hospital I was met by the whole family. Lydia Petrovna gave me flowers and said: “Lena! Congratulations!” Sergey said the same words.

It turns out strange. Today they speak warm words to me, and during the years of our joint life they caused many injuries. They all hid their eyes, because they remembered how they hurt me. They realized that they were falling and realized that I was always ready to help them to rise and forgive them. They understood that I was ready to do a lot for them. Understood that I love them very much.

If I paid attention to their grievances and misses, and if I were practicing malice and insults, my love would have dried to the last drop and dry cracked ground would have appeared under the water. But I love people and I want to continue to love them, and thanks to my love their ground is always wet and the pits are filled with water.

Recently I managed to see many families with many children and widows who did not have enough money for food and needed better living conditions. I had to see many disabled children, sick old and young people. I met face to face with the world of suffering.

Sergey and his mother were very happy when a little Liza appeared. As for me, I’ve only got sleepless nights. But these nights did not frighten or irritate me, because I had a beloved child, beloved sons and husband with me.

Time went very fast. The days were changed at night, and the nights were replaced by days. After the birth of my daughter, my mother came to us once a year to help. Not having time to look back, our daughter was three years old. After these three years, my mother could no longer come to me. Age, dizziness, pain in the heart and chest, shortness of breath, and other illnesses took away all physical strength from her. My mother did not tell me about her health for three years. She tried to hide it from me. But after spending some time with the child, she sat down on the couch suffering from pain in her chest. When I asked how she felt, my mother always answered: “It’s all right. My legs just tired a little. Lenochka! How I missed you. Lie down and have a rest, and I’ll be here with my granddaughter.”

My father came to me with my mother after my child’s birth one more time, when Liza was two years old. He did not want to come to me again. Probably, he was tired of a long road and communication with us. Perhaps he was just tired of us. When they returned home, he told my mom the following words: “I probably will not go to Lena’s home next time. I will, probably, stay here and help Artem with his children. When they come here, I will watch our grandchildren.” Contrary to my words my mother came to me alone next time, not paying attention to my: “Mom, take care of your health”. She was carrying some bags alone that were stuffed with cucumbers, oranges, crushed tomatoes and frozen, now defrozen, fish. Why did she bring me cucumbers and other heavy stuff, if I could buy that fifty tons of cucumbers, tomatoes, oranges and fish by myself? Perhaps the old way of life left a mark on her mind. It did not want to get out of her head, even when many things in life had absolutely changed. With great care and love she took out cucumbers, tomatoes, eggs and defrosted fish of her bags. But what is this? Why is that so? Age? Disease? Care? Hungry childhood? What is it? Why so? Why did she bring me that stuff with which my three refrigerators are completely clogged with? Why did she bring it to me, if I have it in abundance?

My boys grew up and already studied in high school. Our daughter also grew up and continued to please us every minute.

Time went ahead again without asking for our permission. Everything was good for us! The only thing that upset me, it was my mother’s health. For the last two years, she had no longer come to me. Now we came to her. Relations with Sergey and his mother were good. Lydia Petrovna said: “How could such a young girl have been more intelligent and kinder than I?” Lydia Petrovna did not understand that she loved money and proud glory more than people and love itself.

Our life continued, and nothing foretold troubles. It is winter now and there is a heavy snowfall outdoors. Our oldest son has sports competitions in swimming today. He asked me to come without delay. He wanted me to support him from the viewing stand. He said he would be disappointed if I did not see him swimming and outrun his rivals. I had to come to the sports complex by three o’clock in the afternoon. But it happened that I was late on my work. At this time, I signed papers on the issuance of material assistance to families with children with disabilities, and because of this I was a little late. I had to drive for half an hour in fifteen minutes. Now the roadway is very snow-white. In the morning the roads were cleaned, but because of heavy snowfall, the roads were completely swept up. I got into my SUV and took to the road. Ten minutes later I drove to the northern ring road. Instead of sixty, I moved at a speed of 100 kilometers per hour. Moving along the left lane, ahead of the passing car, my car started to skid, and as a result, not coping with the control, my car took to the oncoming traffic lane, where it was rammed by another SUV moving in the opposite direction. I heard the clap and fainted. At that moment Lydia Petrovna looked at her watch and said inside herself: “Well, where are you Lena? Our boy will swim soon, and you’re late!” A minute later, Lidia Petrovna thought: “Well, it takes fifteen minutes to take here. I must call her.”

Lydia Petrovna called me, but she heard only the horns on the telephone. Then she thought: “Well, maybe she does not hear, probably her mobile is in silent mode and she does not hear it. Hmmmm! She makes me nervous and furious!”

I have been coming round for ten days. Some of my bones were collected by pieces. Some of my internal organs were damaged. Several operations and a blood transfusion supported my life. I was in very bad state. Doctors told my relatives: “Elena is now in very serious condition. We will do our best. Maybe she can survive, but we cannot be sure for 100%. Let us hope for the best. You can pray for her as well.” My father then thought: “Pray? I do not really like this!”

The news of the incident affected many people. My mother barely passed through this unexpected news. She sat down in the corridor, dropped the telephone and said through tears: “Oh! Lenochka! Lenochka! My dear daughter! Please do not die. Oh, Lord! Help me! Bury me first!”

My mother could not come to the daughter, who was unconscious. Only my father and my brother were on the road. And my mom was called an ambulance and she was put in a hospital. Why did I hurry and exceed the speed? What was I supposed to think about first? Now, not only the eldest son is upset, because of the absence of his beloved fan. Now many people are upset.

Lydia Petrovna said after the incident: “How is her mother, father and brother now? Poor they! It’s a shame that we could not save their daughter. How so? God forbid that Elena and her mother died. It’s good that Elena never tells her mother about her problems, including that I was blamed for the death of her first child!”

Artem and our father bought tickets for the train and began to get prepared for the road. My mother, of course, asked me not to go by car, because she is not going to worry about them yet. The day before the train the youngest child of Artem fell ill with a serious cold disease, as a result of which his wife and the baby were rushed to the hospital as a matter of urgency. Artem needed to look after the elder child and the hospitalized wife and youngest child. My father started to get ready for the road alone. He no longer was angry with our mother and did not ask in an irritated voice where his clothes is and other necessary things for the road lay. Then he prepared in a humble silence. Artem brought our father to the station and waited for the train to move. Artem saw how scared our father was, and, therefore, our father said: “Wait the train with me, please, for fifteen minutes!” Artem, of course, was pleased when he stood with his father for a few minutes, on an almost empty platform, because this was the only time in his life when his father asked Artem to stay close. At these moments Artem was almost happy, because he understood that inside our father there is no that very love.

When the train started, the father looked at his son from the train window, with an empty look. Artem realized that when all this is over, the father, will return to his former state for sure, and will not invite his son to a warm conversation.

While on the train, the father noticed that the whole car was full of people except of three seats, two of which were opposite him, and one place was empty right above him. Sitting downstairs, his mind of love told him: “Look ahead and up! Do you see that there is no one in this place? Your family is also just neither in your heart, nor in your life! You are not interested in their problems, experiences, worries, opinions, desires and are not interested in communication with your family. You were always angry with them and offended them with your sarcastic words. You were always proud with them, insulting them. You were disgusted by their presence. Are you really happy now? Did you dream about this when you created your family? Emptiness! Loneliness! Constant pain, selfishness, psychological sadism and rejection! Did you dream about this? You can change it. Why do you constantly do evil and proudly, in irritation and psychosis, reject love? It’s never too late to start loving. You can always turn everything around, if, of course, you want it. If you want, the doors of love are always open. Start loving and everyone will be happy!”

Another mind, like some kind of inner voice, said to him: “How good it is that your family is not with you now. They are like annoying sores and you are very tired of your bored wife, tired of your stupid son and so tired of your daughter who is constantly trying to find the truth and whose love simply does not exist. Have patience! You go back and forth, and you will return to your former world. Return to the world where no one distracts you and does not stop you from really living. Nobody will stop you from watching TV, no one will stop you from drinking beer and other drinks when you are very hungry. Nobody will ask you questions when you are not in a good mood. Nobody will talk to you when you just do not want to talk to anyone. Your daughter will recover and everything will be as before. Do not think about love. Everything is good with you. Pull your legs out and look out of the window.”

A second after these thoughts, our father was telephoned by the same friend who left prison several years ago. Answering the call, he heard: “Hello! How are you? I’m in your city right now and I can visit you. Can I see my friend this time?” Father answered meekly and without irritation: “I’m not in the city now. I do not know exactly when I’ll be back, but I think that I should be at home in a week. My daughter is in the hospital now and I’m going to visit her! “His friend replied: “Well, I understood! I’ll be in your city about ten more days. So I’ll wait for your call, friend! Well, Lenka will recover!”

A second our mother phoned our father and asked: “Well, how are you? Did you get on the train normally? When you arrive, immediately call me.” When their conversation ended, and the father, putting the phone into his pocket, leaning against the wall and starting to look out the window, he heard one more phone call. It was Artem. My father picked up the phone and, in a rude, irritable tone, said: “Helooo!!! I’m listening to you! Speak! Artem got confused and said: “I just wanted to know how you got there and wanted to say that you should not worry. Lena will be all right!” Father slightly muffled his annoyance because of the fact that Artem was worried about him, and then replied: “Everything is all right! Anything else?”

Just some time ago our father looked at his son calmly and asked him to stand with him on the platform, and now having sustained a couple of calls and relaxing in the train, he began to get angry again and his patience was enough for only one call. Selfish irritation then told our father: “I just put the phone into my pocket and leaned on the back of the seat. It’s you again! What do you want from me again?! Artem!!!”

Our father was in the train, and looking out of the window, he did not think about anything at all. The only thing he thought about was how to behave with Lydia Petrovna and my husband. The only thing that our father remembered was the case when he broke his leg and my brother and I showed all our love to him. My father really liked our care, attention and love. Then he remembered how he had returned to his former evil state.

A small ray of love to his daughter penetrated my father’s heart. But why, nevertheless, did the father reject love and fell in love with insults, irritation, insolent smirks, pride and anger? Why did he never apologize for his behavior and why he never asked for forgiveness for his words and deeds? Why did he reject love and begin to cultivate evil in himself? Why did he multiply psychosis, irritation and anger? Why does not he want to put love in his heart?

Love is revealed to every person. But does man want to let this light of love into his heart? Or maybe a person, seeing and feeling love, will run from it somewhere far away to evil deeds, words and pleasant hatred, sweet fury, quarrels, indignant and proud? Where does man run, if between love and hatred there is a great abyss?

At the station my father was met by Sergey, his mother and three of our children. The father, having got out of the train, got up as if stunned and saw the difference between his attitude to his family and my attitude towards my family. Lydia Petrovna approached my father and said: “Hello, dad! We are very glad to see you”.

An evil mind, connecting with depression, told our father: “Look at these abnormally kind people. Feel how you do not like their kind faces. You feel like it’s all gray, empty and perverse hard! You do not want to strain yourself, to squeeze out your love through power!”

At that moment thoughts of love also spoke to my father: “Look how your daughter loves these people. Look how much she loves you. She always called you, always loved you, and continues to love. Your daughter is waiting for you, because you are her father. You are a father of an adult woman, who is unconscious and struggling for her life, to see all her beloved people. She always worries about Artem, her mother and you, because she loves you very much!”.

Afterwards, they invited my father to a car and took him to my hospital. My father sat next to me and continued to look at me, and after a while, he took my hand, because of a sense of duty. My father sat and did not tell me anything. He only looked at me and at the apparatus that was connected to me, and calmly thought: “You’ll get well! Everything will be fine!” After my father was sitting next to me for a couple of hours, Sergey took him to our house. Father spent a couple of hours talking with the guys, listening to their conversations, and then he felt bored. He looked around the living room, and was slightly disappointed, because he had not seen the TV. The children asked their grandfather to sit with them a little longer, but our father decided to go upstairs and be alone. Little Liza spent a whole evening going around the house and asked why grandfather had gone to the second floor.

Looking at these two guys, my father, unbeknownst to himself, asked the question in his mind: “How did my daughter manage to love two foreign children if I could not love my own?”

The next day my father was brought back to the hospital to visit me. After my father sat around me for an hour Lydia Petrovna took him from the hospital and brought him to her house. After a short conversation, Lydia Petrovna led my father to the second floor and showed him a room where he could spend the night. My husband and all our children also spent the night in this big house. My father never invited his granddaughter into his room to talk to her about anything else, and to wish her good night. Lydia Petrovna understood this and said in her mind: “It’s strange how the father of Elena behaves. Why does not he want to spend time with his granddaughter? Now it is understandable why Elena had so little to say about her father. He’s just an unbearable egoist.”

It is impossible to hide what is very noticeable. It is impossible to depict what does not exist. My father was well in the cool big bedroom and in the big soft bed. He lay and staring blankly at the ceiling. It was the only room where there was no TV. It happened so that the TV in this room had broken a week ago. This is strange, because it was newer than other televisions in this house. My father did not know what to do, and at that time he felt an inner disruption, missed on TV. And it was not convenient to ask for a laptop. My father continued to search for a place where he could entertain his soul with something sweet and wished not to be bothered. He was very sorry that there was no TV in the room. Probably it would be right if he looked at his granddaughter this evening and listened to her stories. After all, he will not have a lot of evenings like that.

The next day my father was brought back to the hospital, where he stayed near me for almost an hour. He even asked my doctor: “Does my daughter have a chance?” The doctor answered him: “Let’s hope for a miracle.”

The next few days, my father also came to me and sat near me about one hour, and sometimes even an hour and a half. On the fifth day, my father sat next to me, holding my hand, saying inside himself with great difficulty: “This is my own daughter. And these are the hands of my own daughter.”

A few days later, one evening, a doctor called my family members and said: “Elena came round. You can visit her. She is looking forward to see you.” My father and my whole family came to my hospital. Thirty minutes later they came into my room and crouched in front of me. My daughter gave me a doll and said: “Mommy, it is for you! When will you come home? Dad and I are already tired of waiting for you.” All the others sat and looked at me in silence. I said to them all: “I’m glad you came to me. Thank you for being here now.” Lydia Petrovna said in response: “We are also glad that to see you, Lenochka, and it a miracle that you are alive, and soon you will necessarily go to the amendment.” I answered them: “Your words make my pain fade away and I really feel better after these words.”

My father was the last one who came in the ward and was embarrassed by me, other people, and also by the holy love and everything connected with it. At that moment our father heard a suspicious inner whisper: “Love, hugs, smiles, tenderness and all the other tenderness is a real weakness. Do you feel that your heart tell you this?!”

An hour later my father was called by that same friend and asked: “Is it O.k.? How does your daughter feel?” My father replied to his friend:" My daughter came round and turned the corner. Everything is fine. Thank you for.” Two minutes later Artem called my father and asked:" H, dad! What’s wrong with Lenka? How is she?” Our father answered him:" She regained consciousness. Everything is alright!” Twenty minutes after this conversation my father was telephoned by our mother and asked: “How is our daughter there?” Are there any improvements or not? Artem said something to me, but I did not catch the last words, and then the connection broke off and I could no longer reach him. Tell me, please, how is she?” The father answered to our mother:" Lenka opened her eyes and asked to eat. The doctor said that she should make progress. Everything will be fine with her. I’ll come home soon.” Our mother replied to the father: “So why should you come, maybe you’ll stay with her for a week? She would be very pleased.” Our father reluctantly replied: “Okay! I’ll stay.”

An evil mind said to my father: “Why should you stay and why do you have to be near your daughter? Why do you waste your precious time? Why do you communicate with your daughter and her family? When you held her hand, her eyes were closed, and she was unconscious. But now she opened her eyes and you can easily be the man you were before. You’re tired of work. You’re tired of life. You’re tired of smiles. You’re tired of your children. You’re tired of everything. You just have to continue to get angry and annoyed at everything. Why should you admit your guilt that you did not live your life correctly? You lived it right. Your fatigue allows you to get angry with people and allows them to spoil their mood. Your infinite irritation and unpleasant indignation can easily be justified by your bad health, your illnesses, and this entire endless worldly bustle and this hard every day’s work. This entire annoying world allows endlessly inflicting hurt and humiliation on them. Just think a little. How else can you relieve tension except to express the entire negative to your relatives, and then when you have an opportunity just to get drunk and relax. You’re doing fine. You cannot change yourself. People will not understand you. Why do you need another life? How will you look like before people, if you change yourself and start a new life? Well, your Elena is just looking for the truth, which in fact is simply does not exist. In many families, such incidents occur. This time it happened with your daughter. But this is not an excuse to start loving people and change yourself completely. Time will pass and everything will be fell into its own place. Everything will be normal. You will not be sitting next to your daughter anymore, and be embarrassed of love. You do not have to look like a tender little pussy with kind eyes like a zombie man, like a boring and kind handicraft teacher. How can you love people with great difficulty? This is unrealistically difficult. Love, smile, not hurting, not drinking, being patient, help, not shouting, calm down, not sinning! How all this exhausted you. It’s high time to get rid of these grievous tortures. Your friend is waiting for you in your city. Hurry up. Now call your wife and say with anger that you cannot stay here for a week. Do not worry. Your wife has already been discharged from the hospital and the extra stress will not hurt her. Let her know what you do not like, when something does not correspond with your opinion. Hurry up and get back to your usual comfortable life.”

A few minutes later, Artem called him and said: “Dad, please call our mother and say that Elena is doing well. Mum, probably, has some troubles with her mobile.” After these words, my father got into an irritated state and said: “She has called me already! What always happens with your phones?” And again Artem took in a dose of fastidious psychosis and irritation instead of love. In a second our father realized that he should not have said what he had said to his son, but the spiteful irritation still told him: “How have you irritated me, Artem! We already figured out everything here, and you call again and ask me something. I cannot stand it anymore. I want to be calm, but these questions make me nervous.” So I will not apologize. I cannot stand it, because it irritates me and makes me angry.”

Father’s words pierced Artem as a bullet, and once again they just killed him, breaking to the end all the hope for his father’s love.

Before leaving my father, I asked my father, lying on a hospital bed: “Listen, Dad! Would you like to have love in your heart all the time? Tell me honestly!” My father, looking aside a little, and turning his head slightly to one side, answered me:" Yes, I already love all of you. You are my best ones!”

But, of course, he will not say other words, since only such words are usually spoken in such cases. But this answer, judging by his words and facial expressions, was, most likely, like: “I love you so much, but in my own way! Got the answer?! So, please, don’t bother me with your questions anymore!!! And if you go further, you will receive a dose of anger and irritation!”

If our father wants, then, of course, he can conquer himself, he will be able to work on himself for a long time, he will be able to endure and love more than ever.

Now I’m suffering of physical pain. My relatives and close people, as well as many friends say they love me. But there are people who curse and hate me at this very moment. Maybe just because they like hate instead of love? Maybe because they like evil deeds instead of good ones? Like revenge instead of forgiveness? Do you like annoyance and curses instead of warm words of love? Do you like to discredit other people and make yourself better than they are? Do you like ridicule instead of consolation? Do you like pride instead of humility? Do you like evil instead of good? Like rejection instead of love? Do they like simple envy, in which they found great satisfaction? Some people who know me are watching TV at the moment and think: “She always had everything better, a big brick house, a new modern car, a husband, children, clothes, a joyful face, a smart head and much more. But now she lies in the hospital after the car accident. And it made me feel better. I seem to be satisfied.”

After my question my father nevertheless stayed with me for one week. Every day he came to me in the ward and sat down next to me, but he was embarrassed to take my hand and could not tell me that he loved me looking into my eyes. He could not cross the high curb and stand on the path of love. His insides told him: “Please, no love! No love!! It’s better to have anger and all that stuff!!”

After the third day of communication with me, he said deep inside himself: “I calmed down after the words of my daughter. Once inside became a little quieter. She talked about love, and it made me stay for a couple more days. But I still like something bad inside of me. Now it would be very tasty to eat, to see something, and to tap a glass of cognac. We must flee from all these loving duties, difficulties; work on ourselves, deterring our negativity and all this upbringing.”

On the third day of communication with me, he said deep inside himself: “I calmed down after the words of my daughter. No I feel much easier. She talked about love, and it made me stay for a couple more days. But I still like something bad inside of me. Now it would be perfect to eat something tasty right now, to watch something on TV, and to drink a glass of cognac. We must flee from all these loving duties, difficulties, self-improvement, deterring of our negativity and all this stuff.”

After my question another ray of light tried to penetrate into my father’s heart. But, nevertheless, the darkness that lived inside him continued to roll plasticine balls in its hands and tried to plug holes not to penetrate the light of love inside his heart.

On the last day, before my father was about to leave, I said to him: “Dear dad. I’m happy that we have you. I have friends who grew up without a father. I saw their pain. I saw them looking at the grown men. I saw how they needed their parents and their love. I heard them asking the same question: “Why do we live without a very close and necessary person to us?”

After these words my father said: “I do not know what I should say.”

Looking at my father, I realized that he really had nothing to say to me. He was not a professional in the matter of love, kindness and mercy. He was a professional in other things. Then I said to my father: “Put your hand on my chest. What do you feel?” The father replied: “I feel the sound of your heart.” I told my father: “As long as our hearts are beating, it means that I, my brother and my mother love you very much. As long as I breathe, I live and love you.” Then I mustered courage and said bluntly: “Artem is waiting for your love. He suffers without your love. He always wants to talk to you. One day he even cried on my shoulder and said that his father does not love him and does not talk to him. He dreams of your love most of all in the world. He suffers. Please, help him.” Father looked aside again and thought deep inside: “Who? Artem! His face and habits are so boring to me that I just want to spend the rest of my days alone. I’m just tired of him. His questions and he terribly annoy me.”

My father looked into my eyes for a couple of seconds and thought: “Well, why are you telling me this now?! I feel very uncomfortable! Please, someone help me to find a way out of this place!”

He realized that in his life he had forgotten about the most important thing, but he also understood that for the sake of love he had to learn patience, to find time for communication, he had to sacrifice his useless idle pleasure, since, while drunk, our father constantly repeated the same words: “Do not touch me. I am so tired of you! Oh! You do not let me relax and rest!!!” But my father also had to abandon psychosis, pride, ridicule, evil look, anger, irritation, rage and etc.

The world of our father was filled with malice, alcohol and a TV that brought our father to this ecstasy, and an evil mindset, combined with irritation and a desire to drink, told him: “Do you remember how good it was when you took a few sips and found your own paradise in front of the TV! Next time do the same for you! Just understand, it will never be good for you, if your family is just standing in front of you and trying to prove to you that something is wrong, speaking of fellowship, a kind heart, and some kind of love. Continue to switch their channels, even if there is nothing interesting there. But never stop doing this. Once, you’ll switch the channel and find something pleasant for you.

Five seconds after, Lydia Petrovna looked in, and my father said: “Hello, Lydia Petrovna” She replied: “Hello, Vyacheslav Anatolyevich. You excuse me! I need to go to some place. You can stay here or if you want to go home, then I’ll take you with me!” Father got up from the chair and replied: “I’ll go with you.” Lenka has lunch and the procedures soon.”

Lydia Petrovna replied: “Here are my car keys. If you want, you can sit in the car and wait for me a little.” My father took the keys and said: “Okay. I’ll wait for you in the car.” When Lydia Petrovna returned to the car, my father listened to the radio and had absolutely no idea what to talk about with Lydia Petrovna. She had the same problem. Thirty minutes of the road seemed for two adults as an eternity. Of course, they talked on different topics, and my father tried to be clever, as always, but he looked like a stupid boastful boy. My father and Lydia Petrovna talked about something, but the topic of love couldn’t be touched by them, even slightly.

An hour later Sergey came to see me with all our children. Two young men sat next to me and said: “Mom! Why are you still here? Let’s take you home. We will not let you go out of the house, so that you never frighten us so much.”

The second son said: “No! You won’t be right if you close her at home, and will not let her go anywhere. On the contrary, it is necessary to improve the skill of driving a car. She has psychological stress right now… We need to put her in the car again to defeat her fear.” I looked at Sergey and said: “Tell them that they should stop making me laugh, please. It really hurts to smile.” Sergey looked at the guys and said: “Guys! Stop it, please.”

Evil thoughts combined with irritation, said to me: “Look at these guys! Look how stupid they are! Trying to be witty and the result of their sharpness is the sharp pain in your chest. Your chest hurts and there is heaviness in your breathing, and they giggle. For them, it’s all just a movie, where they went to the hospital to visit a sick person and give me fruit and fake attention. And now look at your Sergey! Look how he does not take care of you. If he loved you, he would tell the boys not to make you laugh. But how to understand the pain, if you have never felt it before? And how to think about the fact that laughter will bring you pain, if they cannot think about it by themselves? Therefore, only an indifferent, self-centered fool cannot understand this. At that time it was not interesting for him how you felt when you were in the hospital. Say them insulting words and look at them with an evil glance. Show them your displeasure, and you will not regret it. How can I regret if it’s nice? Well, can you tell these guys something insulting at least once in your life? It’s so painful to laugh! Look carefully once again how they bring you to unbearable irritation with their smiles. Well, can you tell them something offensive at least once in your useless life! Sure, the pain and fatigue that you feel now, as well as their stupid, non-adult faces give you the full right to tell them something unpleasant. They can understand you. Pain and fatigue will justify you. Believe me! Look at your father! He does not torment himself by the way you torture yourself, because holding it back, you just torment your heart. Change the tone and insult these boys, and let them know that this is not like lying on the seashore, on warm pebbles. This is real life. Attack on them and they will respect you even more! Harden them a little and continue your treatment! Come on! Say it! You do not even need to apologize to them after that. Start pressing on them, and humiliate them more often. You will surely enjoy it.”

Having dismissed these thoughts and having calmed down, I answered with a smile to the guys: “Do not worry! I will recover soon and get back home. We will be together again.”

After talking with me for about an hour, they left. Sergey said that they will look forward to my recovery. I love them all very much. And I want to get better quickly very much and I want to live a full life.

Leaving my room, the eldest son paused, looked into my eyes and said: “Mom! We love you very much!”

Every day I received calls from my friends and small children, whom I promised to visit. Some of them were brought to me to the hospital, and they told me words of hope and love, and some of them gave me their toys that they made with their own hands. These toys stood on the windowsill of and looked at me with their tiny eyes.

From the window of my room I could see people on the wide street. Every day the same people walked down the street several times a day. But if I continue to sit at the window every day, then I can just wither, or go insane without doing any good deeds, without telling anyone the words of love, not smiling and not communicating with anyone. Sergey brought me a laptop and some papers to the hospital and I continued my favorite work here.

I continued to help people in need. At this very time, my father, having come to his home, continued to get irritated and angry, and continued to curse with my mother and continued to offend Artem.

Once talking to Artem, I heard from him such words: “Lena! There have been some changes in our father. He became a little quieter. And also he tries to mask his inner anger, turning his face away or going away. He turns his face away and silently shows his displeasure. Earlier, if you remember, he scattered dissatisfied words. He continued to communicate with me on the phone for a little longer in a calm tone. Of course, when he starts to get angry and annoyed, he tries to suppress all this negativity. It’s hard for him, but he tries. Of course, Lena, he thinks he’s a hero, but I know that it’s not for love. It’s just probably our mother tells him that he would behave humanely with me. Our father does not know what love is. Although our mother says: “Your father really loves you, but very deeply in his heart.”

Such small changes have recently occurred in our father. Our father heroically felt himself to be a calm and intelligent person who knows how to control and restrain his emotions, and also felt himself a serious reserved man and an intellectual. But Artem knew and felt that this all means nothing. He felt all the negativity that came from our father. Yesterday Artem simply said to his father by phone: “I love you.” And of course our father did not say the same words to him, because he had never told anyone such words. Then when my father got off the phone, he went to our mother and said: “Listen! Artem told me that he loves me, and it was so nice!” Our mother asked our father: “What did you say to him?” Our father replied:" I did not say anything to him. “Mom asked:" Why?” And our father replied: “I was simply confused.”

But is it true that our father really was confused? Maybe he just did not tell her the truth? After all, our father always considered himself a man who does not like to lie. And how he could equal the words “I love you” and twenty-five years of anger, humiliation, resentment, pride, ridicule, selfishness, rejection, psychosis, quarreling, screaming, disrespecting, irritation and cruel psychological arrogant sadistic pressure? How? He is a man of his word!

When my father was on his way home in the train, the two guys beside him offered him to drink, that would make him feel better, since our father seemed sad to these guys. One of these guys had a birthday. After persuading our father to drink, they calmly went to bed. And after a while, Artem met at the station no longer his father, but a drunken man, similar to his father. All the way our father, being in a drunken state, told us that he is a real super hero who knows how and in what tone to talk with all people. My father then said: “We have chosen a good car for you, son. I know how to communicate with them. They immediately reduced the price.”

The next morning my father woke up, and evil thoughts told him: “Well, now everything is fine with you. You have nothing to worry about. You are healthy. Love is an absolute nonsense. In general your life is normal. Your relationships with your family are better than your acquaintances have. Well, if something suddenly happens, then this is not your fault. Only your children and your wife are to blame. You go to work, stay with your grandchildren sometimes, do gardening and household chores, and go to the hospital from time to time. Look, there is absolutely no time for love. You get tired all the time, and you have an excuse for your psychosis and anger. And in general, it’s much easier to get angry than to love infinitely. Do you feel how anger arises in you? Why should you struggle with what is coming from you! It’s like a terrible torture. It is easier to withstand the hot iron on your stomach, than to control and suppress your anger. Now you have a right to be angry, because your wife does not want you to continue drinking this morning. Only anger and high tone can make her not to mock you, forbidding you to drink. Do not think about Elena. She is far away now and everything will be fine with her. We only have to wait until her bones are repaired. Get up and look for somebody to drink with. You do not have to drink a lot. Make at least a few sips of beer. Do not worry! You always worked your will and therefore you lived your life well. You know how to live. You’re doing fine! And what kind of life is this, where you need to help your wife with her household chores. It is not necessary to take a cue from your son, who sits and helps his wife to peel potatoes with kindly irritating eyes and a smile. Are you able to leave a drink, TV, the Internet and help your wife with household chores? Do not even try to do it. It will not lead you to love, but it will only lead you to endless fatigue and psychosis. So now just look for a drink! And what is the most important: if you are against of love, you hurt someone, who wants you to love. But you should tell this to someone: ‘How can you love in this swamp!!! I will not love you in your despite!!! Who are you, so that I should lavish in love with you!!!’ When you think about it and spitefully stubborn, do not forget about the sky! Let it also see your malicious and discontented attitude towards its insolent claim. Now, if there was no such suffering and mess in the world, and everything would be different, then I would have loved… but, you know, I wouldn’t! I would like to know what does it mean ‘differently’ first!”

An evil mind kept telling my father: “To love people, you need to be patient. And why should you do something that is very hard to do? It’s much easier to pounce on a man with words or fists. You cannot steer clear, because those who annoy you simply need words: ‘You all bother me! Say something, ask something, and smile irritably. You are tired!’ And indeed, you have been waiting for your best friend for a long time, who really wants to drink with you and talk to you about something very ‘interesting’ and ‘useful.’ You will be able to boast with something before him and you will be able to establish yourself as a real man. You can tell him how you can hit someone in the face and from your impact a person can fall to the ground. Come on! Go for it!”

A few hours later, my father’s old friend, drove up to the parents’ house. That man did not expect to see that instead of the old collapsing house, there is a new two-story beautiful cottage now. His friend was very surprised and asked: “Where did you get so much money to build such a house? Have you won a lottery or maybe you robbed a bank?” My father replied: “No, no! My daughter helped us to build this house.” His friend said in reply: “I told you that Lenka has something special and can do a lot in this life. I never feel flair. And what about Artem? Does he also make you happy? Probably, he is a judge or the public prosecutor as you also dreamed. Okay! So maybe we’ll sit somewhere and have a drink?”

After these words, our father phoned Artem and said: “Hello, Dad! I need to pick up one sports equipment from you. We want to go camping with my wife and children. Will you help me get the tents, rucksacks and all the rest of the equipment from your garage? You just can open the garage, and I’ll bring it all to the car. If you’re at home, I’ll come in about fifteen minutes.” After that our father put down the phone, and his friend asked: “Do you have any business now?” Father answered: “No, no! The son just wanted to take tents for.” The friend of our father replied: “Camping is good! Let the young people take a rest.”

Father realized that something that is not what should happen is going on here. Here came the choice before the father, but his friend immediately said, “I can wait until you give everything to your son, and then we’ll go and buy a bottle of something and we’ll sit on the river bank and talk to each other as old friend.”

Suddenly, our father remembered how Elena put his hand on her chest and said that they loved him very much. The father looked at his friend and said: “You know, Victor! Probably, I will not be able to go with you now. I will go with my son and grandsons in a campaign. I have not done this for a long time and have not spent much time with my son. So, Victor, I’m sorry. I cannot go with you!”

Victor made a displeased face, looked askance at our father and, having got into the car, left. When Artem drove up to the house, our father shook hands with him and said: “Son, won’t you take me with you to the camping? I would play with my grandchildren and make a fire to help you.” Artem was confused and answered: “Yes, we do not mind! Let’s go!” Having said these words, Artem began got nervous and felt slight uncertainty and excitement. The thought of the presence of his father embarrassed and shackled him.

Somewhere deep inside himself, the father said to himself: “I must change myself. To begin with, I’ll shut my mouth not to offend anyone and say nothing superfluous as always happens. Everything that they will tell me, I will listen carefully. I’ll try to endure, instead of being angry with them and grinning, looking at them with a sidelong glance and waving my head from side to side. I must go to the picnic!!!”

During the “happy” picnic, Artem was tensed and constantly expecting the moment when his father could get angry with him. Artem cut the cheese, made sandwiches, poured juice in the glasses and tried not to show his stiffness, which inspired our father throughout his life. At that moment, Artem thought inside himself: “I’m very nervous now because one of my awkward movements can lead my father to anger. Father’s eyes always emitted a kind of darkness. Such moments make me feel terribly uncomfortable. I and my behavior greatly irritate my father. Next to him I feel uncomfortable.”

Nevertheless, Artem’s fears were not in vain. Once it almost happened. Our father still wanted to say a few of his short, sarcastic crown words. But then he remembered what he had promised, and also understood that he came for this picnic not to spoil it. And having said a couple of insulting words in an irritable tone, without apologizing, changed the subject of conversation, smoothing his guilt and hoping that the young still believe that psychosis and irritation were not caused by them. Of course, our father did not justify his irritation and a couple of insulting words, as he understood that this simply does not have an excuse because holy love should eliminate any malice, irritation, psychosis, insomnia, fatigue or illness. But even if he began to justify his behavior, he would not have believed what he was saying, because deep inside he understood that there was no justification for him, since irritation and anger did not appear because of something concrete, but anger and irritation — is the constant state of our father and there was simply no place for love.

After the camping, Artem drove our father to his house. Father, leaving the car, accidentally slammed the car door behind him, and then, as if justifying a loud clap, he smiled. Well, our father always went mad, when someone just slammed the door in his car.

My mother met him at home. Father said to himself inside the house: “Whatever happens and whatever they say to me, the main thing is to remain silent!” Mom asked him: “Well! How did you go camping with the guys?” Father answered: “We had a great time! Now they are my best friends! And now I would like to invite you, my beloved wife, to spend time with me in one very beautiful place tomorrow. There is a summer cafe and you can walk along the river and take a breath of fresh air. It will be perfect for you, my beloved wife. Please, agree!”

My mother looked at our father surprisingly and asked him: “What happened to you? Have you eaten something?” Father calmly replied with a smile: “I ate a very tasty sandwich on a picnic, which the wife of our beloved son made for me.” Mom answered the father: “Since what time did you begin to call us loved?” Father answered: “You are my native people! And you are not strangers to me!”

An evil mind said to my father: “Look, what a stupid wife you have with a stone heart. You want to learn patience and change yourself a little, but she stands and recalls the past in pride. You did it right that you did not love her. She was worthy of a bad attitude. Because it is impossible to love normal and intelligent wives. And why did she tell you arrogant ‘well’? Is it possible to love such a rough woman?”

Our father was blind and did not understand that my mother became rude and acquired a slightly petrified heart, thanks to his malicious and bad attitude towards her.

After that, my mother replied: “Good! I think we should go out and take a rest!”

All that evening my father tried to do his best for love. He tolerated, humbly answered the questions, spoke in a calm tone and did not watch TV, but helped my mother with household chores. All the evil forces immediately activated in his head, but he shut his eyes, went to his room, sat on the bed, then lay down, turned to the wall and clutched his head. After a while, having gained strength, the father came to the kitchen.

This evening, a small world of love began to emerge in the head of our father, letting inward the third warm ray of love. My father spent the whole evening doing a relaxing massage to my mother’s back and legs. Well, then he embraced her and said some new words of love for herself, after which my mother forgot about all the wrongs that our father caused her for all her life. Throughout the evening, my father felt the depression and inner impulses of anger growing more and more sometimes, but nevertheless, our father gritted his teeth and did not understand what was happening. But the forces of evil knew about this and continued to insist on their own, influencing our father.

This evening, an evil mind combined with an unbearable spirit of pressure told our father: “You feel bad just now, and something unbearable and evil wants to get out. Stop it! Look at your wife! You see how much strength you need to love her at least a little. Get it off your chest and go out, slamming the door! You are so angry and terribly annoying!”

A couple of days later, our father again began to get angry, irritated and emit psychosis. My father once again said something insulting to my mother and, in her presence, cursed our neighbor. The next days he behaved absolutely the same way.

But despite this, our mother did not irritate our father so much as Artem did. Father wanted to communicate with him and wanted to be friends with him, but something went wrong in their lives, and as a result, the father said inside himself: “Such empty-headed idiots are simply impossible to love. I cannot stand him!”

Why did this happen? Is there not even a part of our holy love in our father’s heart that could say: “You are my son. You’re my own son!”

The same night when I went to bed, the man who invited me to appear in the advertisements of wine and beer, promising me “big” money, opportunities, influence and “glory”, experienced the same joy as my mother did. But he was not happy with the huge money and his occupation, but he was happy because he remembered me and my words: “I love people, so I will not advertise alcohol.” These words settled in his mind and helped change his life. Now he has remodeled his plants to produce baby soda and now he says in his heart: “What a girl I met once. Her sweet heart and love attracts people and changes their hearts. I am attracted by the light that lives inside of her. But if there is light, then why did I live in darkness? I stopped believing in people and now I have something to compare with, so I do not want to stay in darkness anymore, but now I will always be drawn to the light. There is nothing more beautiful than endless love. And why have I been tormented in my heart for so many years with the thought: ‘I make and promote a drink that really ruins life’? But now I feel light inside me because I had left my previous occupation and calmed down.”

Of course, the next day, Maxim was invited to visit his mistress, and the next evening he was terribly drunk. Well, he told his wife that he was late at work.

So, what else should I say about my life? Sergey, his mother and our children came to my hospital almost every day. Those owners of the SUV, who met my car on their way, came to me a couple of times in the hospital. They were not as rich as might have seemed at first glance. They paid a loan for this car. And the first of their cars were the usual “Lada”. Gradually, adding money, they reached this foreign car. Their family, including a small child, who was fastened with a seat belt and was sitting in a children’s car seat, escaped with a slight shock and a few bruises. But they did not come to the hospital to have a bone to pick with me or throw a couple of insults. On the contrary, they came to thank me for the fact that apart from the insurance, I voluntarily provided them some financial assistance and sincerely apologized for my driving. They repaired their car and paid their loan. Then they called me and heartily thanked me for my help and for my attitude towards them.

All the people who knew me, including my attending physician, began to praise me beyond measure and said: “She is an amazing person. We have never met a person like her.” They glorified me for my merciful love and kind heart. When people praised and thanked me, an evil mind told me: “You’re a good person! The cocky moment for your patience, kindness, mercy and love has come! You can easily roll out the widest and most vivid red carpet on which you set foot in the presence of a great number of people coming out of the most beautiful long car, called life. Do you really hate to boast a little? Will you really refuse pride and vanity?! Just look at people and tell them firmly: ‘I know! I’ve lived a life, and you are still green berries!!!’ But I do not pay any attention to those pesky thoughts and pressure, and always say to myself:" I’m not doing this for my glory and gratitude. I’m doing this for people. I want them to love each other and never offend anyone. I’m not a super-hero, I just love life and love joy and love. And if I arrogantly direct my gaze to a man and say to him: ‘I know everything! I’ve lived a life!’ I’ll just hurt him. And resentment for me is not allowed!”

Ten months later, after my traffic accident, I quietly began to get up from the hospital bed and with the help of nurses began to take their first steps. I called my father and mother and talked about these first steps. My father broke away from watching TV for a few minutes and answered: “Well, that’s good!”

But when I was little and in ten months I took my first steps, my father was sitting with his friend, if he could be called that in the bar, and drank alcohol, after which he was brought home and he, without taking off his clothes and shoes, Fell down to sleep. The next day he looked at the ten-month-old child with oblique, drunk eyes, and said: “Oh, daughter. You walk! Well, it’s good!”

Alcohol has killed millions of people. There are much more victims than it may seem. Alcohol, tobacco, narcotic drugs, drop a person down and, when he is there, evil tells him: “In this life there is absolutely nothing sweeter than tobacco, alcohol and drugs. When you use them, you’re not bored. The next day you need to look for the same things again, because happiness must be permanent. Otherwise, your life will be boring, empty and pointless. Any business becomes much more pleasant when the mind is a bit drugged. Just a little bit does not hurt. Go for it! Take something that would make you feel very good. Only this is worth to live for. Life will be simply some sort of gray nightmare without alcohol. If you do not drink, you will not have friends and communicating. And you, after all, do not want you to stop talking and be friends with you? Make your life truly diverse and cheerful, coming out of the gray eternal dull state!!!”

The next day, the nurses again helped me to do a few steps. Every day they helped me, saying: “You’ll run as before!” Almost every day I treated them with delicious cakes and helped some of them to solve their own problems.

Two months later, I was already able to do a few steps by myself. And in a couple of months, with the help of a support, I walked along the corridor and back by myself. My ligaments slowly grew together, and the pain was much less. I was allowed to go home for a few days. After the accident, my figure changed, and I have become lame on one leg. Sergey told me on this occasion: “Do not worry about your figure at all. All this is a trifle of life. I love you for who you are and for what you have. You are beautiful and beloved.”

A month later, I was discharged from the hospital, and I continued my treatment at home. Every evening Sergey and I did exercises that helped to restore and strengthen damaged muscles and ligaments, and every day a masseur and other specialists came to visit me. My speeding will remain in my memory forever. But I still hope that I will be able to forget this nightmare, even though, when I was taken out of the hospital, a car on very high-speed flew past us, although it was not allowed to drive more than 60 kilometers per hour.

One evening Sergey came up to me and said: “It’s good that I have you. I really need you. I want to be with you forever. I love you very much. I still cannot believe that my sons have a mother. You are so real, Lena!” After these words, Sergey came up to me and said, firmly embracing me from my back: “I will always be with you and will never betray you!”

Six months later, my ligaments almost ceased to hurt and day by day it disturbed me less and less. Sometimes the shoulder joint hurt, which was collected in pieces. The pain in the pelvis, which was completely broken, disturbed me as well. Every day I was getting better and better. Thank God that my head remained intact, as it flew into the open airbag.

A few months later after Sergey’s promise of eternal strongest love, one very attractive girl with a very beautiful appearance, long legs and lush, elastic forms was employed by our company. Sergey immediately drew attention to her. That girl liked Sergey as well.

Sergei did not make any plans for this girl, because he has a wife whom he loved very much. But as for this girl, she was very much wound up by married men, although she was married for a long time.

Once it happened that they urgently had to decide some business issues. This lady tried to seduce Sergey in every possible way. Sometimes it looked very obtrusive and passed beyond the bounds. Sergey could not resist and succumbed to the female temptation. After the affair, Sergey said to her: “Go home. I will deal with this working issue by myself.” After adultery, Sergey began to torture his conscience unbearably. He wanted to turn the time back, but he was not able to do it. He began to suffer unbearably and felt like the last vile traitor. He sat down on a chair, and then lay down on the office sofa, curled up and said inwards: “I feel so bad!”

A minute later my phone rang. It was Sergey.

He told me on the phone: “Lenok, my beloved! Today I will stay at my office, since I still have a lot of work. I love you, my sun!” His intonation, the speed of speech, the emotions and the duration of the conversation betrayed him. After that I asked Sergey: “Are you all right?” But Sergey answered me: “Of course, everything is all right, just a lot of work and I’m very tired.”

Sergey could not sleep that night. He tossed from side to side and eventually decided to go out into the street to take a walk and think over his action. But Sergey forgot that walking in the dark is rather dangerous. But, stupefied with regret and exhausted by his conscience, he nevertheless went out into the street and walked along the unlit road. After walking about two hundred meters, he saw four people surrounded him, appeared from a dark alley. Two of them took out knives and one of them said: “Take off your jacket and turn out all your pockets.” Sergey stepped back and wanted to slip past two guys who did not have knives. But, unfortunately, he could not do this. They grabbed him and, without thinking, punched him in his stomach with a knife. Then they took a purse with money, a watch, an engagement ring, a gold bracelet and a gold chain with a gold cross. Sergey lay and moaned softly: “Help me somebody…” A few minutes later, Sergey was lighted by the car lights passing by. The driver came out and, having loaded my husband on the back seat, took him to the hospital. Doctors said: “A few minutes more, and he could just bleed to death. If only a few minutes later, that’s all. He could die.”

Sergey could not imagine that while he was laying and writhing in pain, the husband of that very mistress was sitting at home and listening to that very moans and groans that were shed from the pleasure of their two-minute “entertaining program.” These sounds were recorded on the listening device, which her husband installed in his wife’s purse. Her husband had suspected his wife of adultery a long time ago, that’s why he installed the audition device. And as a result we have such terrible consequences after a few minutes of betrayal.

Of course, before the affair the following warning thoughts flashed in Sergey’s head: “Sergey, wait! Do not do this! You have a wife who loves you very much!” But an evil mind and a crazy desire told him the opposite: “Why should you miss such a sweet moment. Do her and experience this sweet pleasure. You will never meet such a girl. And why should you keep loyalty to your wife and have never betrayed her? Employees of your company tell each other about their adultery with a raised face and do not feel like n outsider. So let it be a push to sweet love. You have nothing to boast about. Suddenly, someone will ask you if you have betrayed your wife or not. Will you look like an outsider? You’re a shy and suspicious man. You are weak. Faithful, faithful, faithful, faithful. Do not dare to say this when real men stand in a circle and, raising their heads high, and say: ‘Well, why do you think that I did not be unfaithful to her with anybody?! Of course, I did! This monotony makes me bored! So I got a mistress!’ You do not have enough strength to stand up in the middle of the square and say: ‘Look at me! I never was unfaithful to my beloved wife!’ But you’ll never say that because you’ve always been and will just be a stupid coward. It’s easier for you to be an ordinary man among others and shout out: ‘Look! I changed my wife and I’m not henpecked!’ You’ve been tormenting yourself for so many years from the fact that you still have not be unfaithful to your wife with anyone so far, feeling stupid as a faithful saint. Do you really want to continue to suffer, not living like a real man?! Do not think! Just have an affair! Feel the strongest pleasure and do not think about what will happen later. These real men have found the right decision, since you feel no thrills anymore, you feel like your wife has become boring! But relax! There is an exit. A new beautiful woman and new sensations are right in front of you! And here’s another thing! Remember when you was young you said that you will never betray your wife! Remembered? And do you remember how an adult man said to you proudly: ‘Will you ever be unfaithful to your wife?’ Do you remember how he looked into your eyes and what you felt while doing this? Well done! This is the right feeling!”

Of course, I will continue to love my husband as I loved him before this affair. I cannot imagine how I will live without him, because I love him very much. Now he is in intensive care in a stable state. I and our children need him.

But, it is interesting to know why did not I call him again and did not specify what happened to him, feeling something wrong in his words. Perhaps my loyalty, love and great respect did not allow me to do this, because Sergey did not like it when he was called so often and asked: “How are you doing, beloved? Are you all right?”

But I dream that I could call him and talk to him about all the difficulties and problems at any time, without fearing my husband’s irritated response. If only he knew how much I love him and will always love. I love the guy who sat behind me, pulled me by the braid and teased me, saying: “Again this crook is silent and thinks about something!”

After the incident with Sergey, the investigation learned absolutely everything. Some of the investigators laughed and said: “Family squabbles did not happen! The rabbit fell down not far from the place of sexual crime.”

One morning Lydia Petrovna’s car did not start, but she was very anxious about her son, who had regained consciousness, so, she came to her neighbor who had left the house and asked him: “Can you give me a lift, please? The taxi will be only in forty minutes. I do not understand why all their cars are on the road.” Now Lydia Petrovna, being not sick, but in a perfectly healthy state, asked her neighbor for help. Lydia Petrovna hid her eyes, realized that pride ruins a man, but love heals sick hearts.

Sometimes Lydia Petrovna’s mind struggled to find the guilty one and tried to accuse me of everything. But how is it possible if I’m not guilty at all? Sometimes the following thoughts ran through Lydia Petrovna’s mind: “If she did not exceed the speed and would not have got into this accident, everything would be all right with my son now.” But Lydia Petrovna understood that it was impossible to link all the events in one chain and accuse me of it, even if she desired it so much. But still, she often looked at me and tried to find something in me. She really wanted to accuse me of anything, since there was no love in her heart yet. She could accept love and loved to admire this love, but she was still double-minded.

Those robbers managed to get rid of the stolen goods, and managed to buy cigarettes, drugs and alcohol on this money. None of them even asked himself: “What happened to the man we stabbed with a knife?” They became aware of it only after by the investigators told them about it.

Will people tell that I do not have love? Can they find something bad in me? Many people are engaged in it now. Many of those who know me sit at home and accuse me of all that happened before. Many of them say: 1. “She spent all her time on sick and orphanage children, so her husband decided to have an affair from such a life.” 2. “Yes! Looking at her figure after the accident, not every man will remain a man.” 3. “No one will ever be unfaithful to a sexy wife.” 4. “Perhaps she tired her husband with songs, and he wanted a real woman.” 5. “She always tried to seem clever! But it would be better to satisfy her husband more often.” 6. “In my opinion she is abnormal. She never quarrels with anyone. She never drinks alcohol. She’s kind of boring at all.”

All these words are just a small part, more precisely, one thousandth of that people said about me, sitting in their warm apartments, on their cozy sofas and in armchairs. But I do not take offense at them, I do not get angry and do not get furious. I love these people. It hurts and pains only me. My love for people will not die. My love is needed by all people, and as long as my heart beats, I will love them.

When Sergey came round, he was very surprised that everyone already knew about his affair. Of course, the investigators immediately learned everything. And it doesn’t need to be surprised and say: “How do they manage to go out on the trail and learn about many things?” Similarly, many people are surprised with my love. But it would be great if they were not surprised, but simply love other people very much together with me. Today, when I go to the hospital to see Sergey, we will surprise each other again. He will be surprised at the words I will tell him.

When I came to him in the ward, he looked at me and in a hoarse voice said: “Hello.” I approached him and hugged him, and then said: “I love you, dear! I will always be with you, and I will always love you. You are my favorite native husband. I’m very happy that you have survived and are on the mend. I’ll look forward to your recovery with impatience. Please, think only about good things. Do not remember what happened. I forgave you and left everything behind. I will come to you tomorrow, and I would like you to live, and rejoice, as you did it before. See you, my beloved.” When I left, Sergey’s chest formed a lump of sorrow and regret, which then rolled up to his throat and made his tears run down his cheeks. Then Sergey called the nurse to make him an anesthetic injection.

When the pain left, Sergey asked the nurse: “Do you have any life problems? Maybe you have housing problems or anything else?” But the nurse replied: “No! I’m fine, and my husband can solve any problem.” Sergey answered in a hoarse voice: “I see.”

At that moment my husband ran for love as best as he could, while I was running under an umbrella with tear-stained eyes to get into the car. An evil mind said to me: “Well, here are your evil, unfaithful people, headed by your Sergey. Your husband, like the rest of the rich, is just a stupid, spoiled bag of money. He’s like a tail. He does everything with delay. First he does, and only then thinks what he does, because he does not understand anything. For more than ten years you gave him love, kindness, care, affection, communication, smiles, washing, cleaning, cooking, sex and all the best. So, what about him? He did not value anything. He took it for granted. Since in his childhood he was served by his mother, and it was familiar to him. But after growing up, he had to understand this, as a real strong and intelligent man, but not a spoiled boy. He had to love you and not offend. He betrayed you! A betrayer once betrays again. You forgave him and he will certainly hope that you will forgive him again. It is impossible to imagine your life without trust and love. How can you trust him for one hundred percent and love him dearly? You really want this! He’s a real life hero. Now, like a calf, he will moan about his regret, holding on to the scars on his stomach, just as your father asked for pity when he said that he no longer can stay his condition after his drinking. And the empty Lydia Petrovna could not explain anything to her son. She did not teach him the right moves on the chessboard of life. And how to teach him if there is nothing in his head? She relied on her son’s mind, which he simply does not have. They know how to make money and put them in a big bag. But they cannot understand and teach them how to love and live without sin. Look how he trifled you and the girl with whom he had an affair, and how he acted with her husband. See what a corrupted society has managed to instill in your Sergey. He does not have his own opinion. They are all the same. All of them are made of sweet dough. He was not even surprised when this lady began to seduce him, but took it as something ordinary and modern, because he saw it on TV, on the Internet and on the streets. So it became familiar for him. He is just an infantile rich son who does not have a rigid backbone of loyalty, love and intelligence.”

I have a choice. I can be angry with Sergey. I can take offense at him. I can hurt him very much. I can just walk away from him. I can take revenge on him. I can remind him of this in some bloated useless quarrel. I can spread a rumor about him. I can do much more terrible things. But I can also just forgive him and continue to love him strongly, which, of course, I chose and did.

If I did not love, what would happen to my brother then? If I did not love, what would happen to my father and my mother? If I did not love, then what would have happened to my friends? If I did not love what would have happened to those people who offended me throughout my life? If I did not love, what would happen to Lydia Petrovna then? If I did not love Sergey, could I forgive him? What would happen to our children? What happens if I leave my unconditional love? Who will I then be like? Maybe I’ll become like an old grandmother, whom I met at the grocery store, where I bought juice and fruit for Sergey when I went to visit him at the hospital. When this grandmother saw a rise in the price of milk, she said angrily: “Let the hands fall off from those who make money on this…”

The saleswoman and the young children in the queue got a shock and spoiled mood, and although it made them sick to hear, they had to hear the grandmother’s noise instead of keeping peaceful mind.

If I leave my mind, mercy, goodness and love, then madness and all the elements of evil attached to the insanity will take a place in my heart. But I know that there is a huge distance between good and evil, which cannot be counted in kilometers. Between the irritable insulting word with an unkind look and a kind smile with a warm word, as well as between an evil deed and a good one, there is a wide, bottomless abyss. Between sin and righteous love there is the distance into whole galaxies.

When I returned from the hospital, I decided to wash the dishes, which our maid did not have time to wash because of her illness. She caught a cold and I gave her a salary and a bonus, sent her to her husband and children, because she had some family problems there.

When I washed the dishes, I started to cry. Because of the tears in my eyes, I could not see whether I had cleaned the plate or not. Then I could not stand it, and when my legs weakened, I slid down and sat down near the sink to cry bitterly… Then, I felt a terrible pain in my ligament that hurt after the accident, and because of the intense unbearable pain the tears ran even faster from my eyes. At that moment, messages began to come to my phone from Sergey. It became a little easier for him, and he began to write me words of love on the phone… He also made several calls to me, but I could not take the phone, because I could not stop crying and could not stop my mental and physical pain. Then, when the pain subsided, I sent Sergey a reply message…

My husband cannot be worried right now, since I want him to recover and return to our cozy home. Our house is big, not like that of many people, but love and trust always live in it… And I want that it would always be like that…

A few days later, Sergey was discharged from the hospital, and I met him by car. I helped him to get into the car and closed his door. Sergey was sitting in the passenger seat; sometimes he held on to his side and looked sadly through the window. I started talking to him and told him: “We will be home with you soon!” Sergey answered: “Lena! That day I was not myself and did not know what happened to me.” Sergey was in the car and thought: “Right now, I definitely do not look like any warrior of life.”

An evil mind said to me: “Your stupid husband now looks like a small child who told his mother that he had finished his soup, but indeed he poured it into the toilet. Why does not he want and cannot admit his guilt? Why does not he want to say that he just did not love you and did not think about you especially at that moment? After all, when a person is loved you think about him constantly! And what is he? It turns out that he does not love you and never loved you. So he does not value his family, does he? It turns out that he loves only himself! Oh, these selfish, stupid, unfaithful and sinful people! Who betrayed one day will betray one more time! Do not ever trust him again. If you forgive him and live with him, then you will simply suffer from the fact that you will not really trust him anymore… Life without trust is not life at all… So think properly before you forgive him! And see where your love brought you. He took advantage of your kindness, trust and love, and riding you like a donkey, moved forward!”

After this affair, almost none of my acquaintances gave me any advice. Because they knew that I could figure it out by myself. They understood that their advice might turn out to be wrong. I love my husband very much and do not want to change anything in my life. I just got a call from that girl who brought me her branded soup to the hospital. She told me then: “I know that you have every right to be divorced. It is permissible to get divorced for a love affair! I honestly did not expect this from Sergey. My boyfriend also cheated on me, and we broke up because of that. I do not know how many times he betrayed me, but I think that I learned only about the smallest part of his adventures! He also betrayed me! “I replied to my friend:" Thank you for the information!”

Sergey asked for my forgiveness for a long time, and he regrets about what happened very much. My beloved husband told me that this will never happen again! I want to continue to trust my husband, because married life is not happy without trust. Maybe someone else would have acted differently being in my place, but I will act as I wish. Our daughter loves us very much and considers us her best friends. She rejoices when Sergey comes home in the evening. She throws her dolls and runs along the long corridor with a joyful childish cry: “Mom!!! Our dad came home!”

When we drove up to the house, Sergey got out of the car and said: “My stomach hurts. I’ll probably go and lie down in the summer house turning on the air conditioner.” Sergey still feels guilty, although I have already forgiven him. The people around us and who know us are waiting for the spectacles and the development of further interesting events at this moment. But they will not see them.

Sergey reached the summer house himself and lay down on the bed to rest. At this time I put on the most beautiful underwear and went into his summer home. Sergey did not expect this. But he was not at all against my coming to him. My slightly spoiled figure and limp did not bother him at all. Because I know that I’m beautiful! Evil thoughts became active and told me: “Do not you hate to touch a man who betrayed you without a hidden agenda? How can you touch a man who was with another woman? Probably, it is opposite, isn’t it?! How can you love him?”

Three weeks later, Sergey went to work and one day, at lunchtime, I came to him. That same woman, with whom Sergey had an affair, did not work at our company any more.

When I came to our company for the first time after all the last events, a hundred people’s eyes were directed at me and my husband. I know that they talked a lot about me, Sergey and his mother. For example, some of the employees said that I also betrayed Sergey, so I forgave him so easily and quickly. Also, people said that Sergey’s mother does not know how to educate her children, but the only thing that she does is that she considers her own millions, and, of course, she did not like it at all and it angered her very much. For several days she looked for someone among her subordinates, who still said such words about her. She wanted to dismiss him or her and have revenge. But I do not have time for revenge and heart anger, but only for love. I had to learn a lot from these people about myself, which of course, I have never done in my life, and of course, I never will. Among those people who spoke badly about me, there were those same people from our wedding who then said about me: “We will look at her when it becomes known that she married him not for love but for money! Life will show us what kind of person she is!”

An evil mind told me: “Well, here are the same people that you dreamed to love. Do you think they love you? If they loved you, they would not say such offensive words behind your back. These people give each other everything but not love. They are filled with stupidity and anger. They must be above their vices and should be sinful, but, on the contrary, they sink into their vices and savor them. They are proud, irritated, angry, longing for vengeance, not forgiving offenses. They offend and humiliate, use foul language, slander, envy, ridicule, do not keep their words, deceive, embarrass someone else, condemn, give wrong stupid advices and push on immoral behavior, steal, rob, cause violence, kill, do not like friendship, do not like mercy, do not like compassion, do not like love and good. Do you really love these extremely crazy people? How can you still love such people?”

An hour later I made an announcement that the meeting of all workers of the plant will be held in the assembly hall every other day. A day later all the workers gathered and I took a microphone and said: “Thank you, my dear and beloved employees, for being here. Thank you for your understanding, patience and help. Thank you for your cooperation with us. On behalf of the entire leadership we apologize for the fact that we have delayed your salary a little bit because of the last events. Lydia Petrovna and I are very pleased that Sergey survived and recovered. I’m glad that Sergey’s mom became much easier after she was told shocking news about her son. Thank you for experiencing with us. Once again we would like to ask all of you for pardon. And I want to tell you that I love all of you very much.”

Many people’s eyes dropped from the fact that they cursed us in their hearts and passed on these ridiculous rumors to their comrades.

After completing my other speeches, people slowly got up and, looking at each other with regret in their eyes, understood what they were saying, and understood what they were filled with in their hearts.

One man who knew how to accept love and loved to do it, thought inside himself: “I look at Elena and think: “How much strength and love should I have, to live my life with love among such people? She is so sweet and boundlessly kind. How much she loves everyone with her heart! May God grant her everything she needs. And if needed, God, take it away from me and give it to her.” This 62-year-old man melted with love, as ice cream melts in the hands of a young child. He was sitting in a chair, and his heart continued to part something with me. The last thing he said in himself was: “Elena! Please, forgive them all!”

Now everything is fine in our family. But very often arrogance and pride continue to offer me their friendship. Very often in my head I hear such thoughts: “You have lived a life. You are one of the smartest people on the planet. You have many acquaintances. You have a lot of money. You absolutely do not understand what you’re losing. You are the greatest and unexcelled. Do not resist the true proud great glory. Become superior to all people and have fun. Love, friendliness, mercy, forgiveness, compassion, a smile: all these things make a person fall below other people. How can you take a lower position than anyone else? How can you live like that? Why do you need this humble, humiliated love, because of which all people are not afraid to hurt you again and again? Do you remember the eyes of a rich lady who came to your job? That’s what makes people really happy! Nobody ever says anything offensive to her, because they know what they will get something back from her! And you torment yourself with love for people again and again!”

My husband was expecting only good from me. He was waiting for forgiveness and did not want that I would ever remind him of what happened. My husband really wanted to live with me and with tears in his eyes he asked me to forgive him every day. A few days later, while I was home, I smiled to Sergey and said: “Sergey, why do you ask me for forgiveness every day? I have already forgiven you! Everything is fine! There is no need to ask!” But Sergey answered me: “You have no idea what I feel inside!” Then he knelt, embraced my legs and said: “Thank you!”

At that moment, his tears ran down his cheeks and dropped on his lips. Sergey felt the taste of salt and said through tearful laughter: “Salty tears!”

I also began to laugh through my tears and wiping his tears, I answered him: “Salty, I know!”

A minute after our embrace and weeping, Sergey tightly pressed me to him with one hand and led me to a summer home.

Every day Sergey was getting better and better. His stomach ached less and less. The sick children, who have

...

автордың кітабын онлайн тегін оқу The struggle between good and evilMaxim Yurievich Mazhorin

Maxim Yurievich Mazhorin

The struggle between good and evil

Contents

автордың кітабын онлайн тегін оқу The struggle between good and evil
Maxim Yurievich Mazhorin