Christina Zaldivar Ericson
NOBLE BIRDS
About car racing and love,
which is stronger than death
Copyright © Christina Zaldivar Erickson
Sweden, 2021
Bathroom. The terry robe falls from my shoulders to the floor. I looked in the mirror. Who is that girl? Blond hair casually tucked up, blue eyes, thin body, delicate white skin… How old is she? eighteen? nineteen?
Brrrrr, the cold air immediately leaves me covered in goosebumps. I’m waiting for the ice water to change to warm, then hot. Okay. Pleasantly. The hand slides over the body. Is it really me? … I continue to study the image in the mirror… Bruises, deep abrasions… I tried to bend down, but immediately screamed. Again I looked at the girl in the mirror.
Oh, my dear, that awful restrictive collar around the neck… The bygone is not for sale, not for buy. It doesn’t change.
December twenty-seventh… Night. Explosion. Flame. Death.
Only a few days have passed since the tragedy and I still have no future. Only the past… To live on, I have to forget it. Forget. A treacherous memory … — Forget everything, — I dictate to myself and close my eyes. Warm water relaxes me. The girl in the mirror is barely visible. Is the steam hiding her from me or is she already far away? Far away… My whole life is far away…
Our father, a military officer, died when I was fifteen. Mom got married a second time and left for Canada. The family was destroyed once and for all.
I didn’t want to go. Nowhere. Relatives were forced to compromise, leaving me temporarily in Germany. In a sports boarding school. For half a year.
My older brother, Sebastian, decided to move to an empty estate in the Frisian Islands of the North Sea, which historically belonged to our family. Soon he left military service and took me to his place. Our grandmother, who often came from Sweden, helped us.
My youth was relatively normal. There were few children in the school. All the girls in my class have been looking at boys for a long time. I didn’t like anyone, but I noticed new desires in my body.
My birthday… December 13th. I am sixteen. Our grandmother Anneli is late. She called and said that she was arriving a little later — there was a strong storm at sea. Parents congratulate over the phone and send a bank transfer. My brother gives me a nice big box with jeans, a sweater and fine linen. Okay. I can be happy.
It’s cold outside the windows. Although, it is not so cold as cloudy and windy. Firewood crackles in the fireplace. On the table are champagne, meat with oranges and ice cream with chocolate. The TV is on. Cozy. After the first glass of champagne, Sebastian holds out his hand to me, and I see a small velvet box in his palm. I take it and open it with impatience.
— Ah, Sebby! This diamond is worth it, no doubt, a fortune!
He laughs and puts a ring on my finger
— For my princess, — he gallantly kisses my hand.
— Thank you! Thank you! How I love you!
I hug my brother.
— I love you too!
After champagne, already at half past ten, I want to sleep.
— Yes, yes, of course,» Seb
