Chapter 1: Why Resentment Is Not About Them, But About You
Imagine this: you’re walking down the street, carrying a heavy stone in your hands. Passersby ask you, «Why are you carrying that?» You reply, «Because that person threw it at my back!» But here’s the thing: you are the one carrying it now. The person who hurt you has probably long forgotten they ever threw it.
This chapter is about how to set down that stone. Not for the sake of the person who threw it. For your own sake. Because resentment is less about another person’s action and more about how you continue to live with that pain.
What happens when we hold onto resentment?
Resentment is like a wound we keep irritating, day after day. Even if the person who caused the pain has long left our lives, we mentally return to that moment again and again:
We retell the story to friends, each time only amplifying the pain.
We replay the details in quiet moments — at night, in traffic, at work.
We construct imaginary dialogues in our heads: «I should have said this…", «And he would have answered that…».
But the most important thing is this: as long as you hold onto resentment, you are paying for it with your inner peace. The offender has most likely moved on with their life. But you haven’t.
A real-life example:
Marina didn’t speak to her brother for five years. The reason: he didn’t come to her wedding, claiming he was too busy. Later, it turned out he was going through a difficult divorce at the time and was afraid of appearing weak. But Marina was angry for years: «How could he? I’m his sister!» She told this story to everyone, she cried, and eventually, she received his apology. And her brother? He moved to another city, started a new family, and hardly ever remembered that conflict.
The takeaway: Marina thought her behavior was punishing her brother. But she was only punishing herself.
Why do we cling to resentment?
We think resentment is a form of protection. We’re afraid that if we «forgive,» we will:
Become vulnerable.
Admit that what happened was insignificant.
Allow others to hurt us again.
But in reality, resentment is an attempt to control the past. We think: «If I stay angry, it will somehow fix the situation.» But the past cannot be changed. You can only decide how to live with it now.
Why is this harmful?
By holding onto resentment, we:
Strain our bodies. Muscles tense, the stomach clenches, a lump forms in the throat. This is the «fight or flight» response — the body is preparing for a conflict that is already over.
Reinforce negative neural pathways. The more often we recall the hurt, the more deeply it gets «hardwired» into the brain. At first, we remember it once a week, then every day, then at the slightest hint of a similar situation.
Waste energy. Instead of solving current tasks, the brain spends its resources endlessly rehashing the past.
Example:
Sergei couldn’t forgive his ex-girlfriend for leaving him. Every time he saw a couple in a cafe, he remembered their last conversation. Because of this, he couldn’t concentrate at work and started missing meetings. A year later, he realized: his ex had already gotten married, while he had lost out on a promotion.
Exercise: «Who Is Carrying the Burden?»
Try doing this right now. Take a piece of paper and answer these questions:
Describe the situation.
«My colleague Irina took credit for my project and presented it at a meeting as her own. I stayed quiet to avoid conflict.»
How does this affect you NOW?
«Every time Irina talks about the meeting, I clench my fists until they hurt. I can’t concentrate. At home, I snap at my husband over little things — because I can’t express my anger to her.»
What does the offender think?
«Irina probably doesn’t even remember it. She got a bonus and is happy.»
Who is paying the price?
«I am. My nervous system, my relationship with my husband, my career.»
This exercise works because it shifts the focus from «he is guilty» to «I am suffering.» When you see that you are the one suffering, the motivation to let go of the resentment becomes stronger.
Technique: «The Hot Coal»
Imagine your resentment is a red-hot coal in the palm of your hand.
You hold it, thinking: «This will punish him.»
But who is getting burned? You.
If you drop it — the pain will stop. But at first, it’s scary: «What if I regret it?»
How to use it:
In a moment of anger, ask yourself: «Am I holding this coal for myself or for him?»
If the answer is «for him» — add: «But he doesn’t even know I’m holding it.»
Let go gradually:
By 5%: «Today, I won’t talk about this with anyone.»
By 20%: «I will stop checking his social media profiles.»
By 50%: «I will be able to wish him a good morning at work.»
Example:
Lena harbored resentment towards her mother for years for a lack of support during her divorce. Every conversation ended in tears. She tried the «hot coal» technique:
First, she stopped calling her mother on weekends (5%).
Then, she deleted old text messages (20%).
At 50%, during a meeting, she simply said: «Thank you for coming.» Her mother was surprised, but Lena felt the tension in her chest release.
Why this works:
The brain doesn’t like sudden changes. Gradually loosening your grip allows anxiety levels to decrease. You’re not saying «I forgive,» you’re simply holding on less tightly. And that is already a step towards freedom.
What to do if «I’ve already let go»?
We often think: «I’ve forgotten that story.» But then we hear the offender’s name — and the anger returns. This doesn’t mean you haven’t let go. It means the resentment is still living in your body.
How to check:
Recall the situation.
Close your eyes and ask: «Where in my body do I feel this right now?»
Head? (headache, pressure)
Chest? (tightness, shortness of breath)
Stomach? (heaviness, a knot)
Say out loud: «This tension is not about now, it’s about then.»
Example:
Andrei thought he had «long forgiven» his friend for a betrayal. But when he saw him at a mutual friend’s wedding, he felt a stabbing pain in his temple. He realized: the resentment was sitting in his body. He did this:
Stepped aside and placed his hand on his temple.
Said: «I feel pain here. This is a memory, not reality.»
Took 5 deep breaths. The headache was gone within 10 minutes.
The science, simplified:
When we experience stress, the body remembers the reaction. The next time a trigger appears (a name, a place, a smell), it repeats it automatically. But if, at the moment of reaction, you consciously say, «This is not now,» the connection between the trigger and the pain weakens.
Why forgiveness is a gift to yourself
We often think: «If I forgive, he wins.» But imagine this:
You are in a cell, holding the key to the door. Your offender is outside.
You scream: «Give me the key!»
But he has long gone on vacation and forgotten you exist.
Who is suffering? Only you.
Forgiveness is not «I’m letting him win.» It’s «I am taking the key and unlocking the door.» You are not changing the past. You are choosing whether to live in the cell or walk free.
A story to ponder:
Olga hadn’t spoken to her father since she was 12. He left the family when she was 10. She hated him, convinced he was suffering from loneliness. When she accidentally learned of his death, her first thought was: «Now I will never get an answer.» She went to the funeral, stood by the coffin, and suddenly understood:
He had not suffered. He had created a new family and was happy.
And she had lived as his prisoner for 12 years.
She didn’t «forgive» him. But she said: «I release you. Not for you. For me.» And for the first time in many years, she was able to sleep soundly.
Practical steps for this week:
Find your «stone.»
Write down one resentment that still evokes a response. Simply describe: «When I remember [situation], I feel [emotion].»
Check whose burden it is.
Ask yourself: «If I let this go, what will change for him? Nothing. What will change for me?»
Take a 5% step towards letting go.
For example:
Don’t retell this story for the next 3 days.
Put a photo or object associated with that situation away in a distant drawer.
Tell yourself: «That was then. Now I choose to breathe easily.»
Forgiveness is not erasing memory. It is a decision:
To no longer allow the past to control your present.
To stop paying for others’ mistakes with your own peace of mind.
You are not weak if you let go. You are wise. Because you understand: the main person you can change is yourself.
Try today to look at your resentment as a stone in your palm. Don’t throw it down sharply — just unclench your fingers. And let it fall. You deserve to move on. With empty, but free hands.
