Chapter 1: What Is Happiness, Really? (Debunking the Myths)
«Just be happy!» — how often do we hear that phrase? Or we’re convinced: «Once I buy that new car / get that promotion / move to the seaside — then I’ll really start living!» Alas, our brains often deceive us about what truly brings deep satisfaction. Science clearly shows that many of our ideas about happiness are myths that lead to disappointment. Let’s face the truth.
Myth 1: Happiness is constant euphoria, ecstasy, and delight.
The Truth: Imagine an ocean. True happiness isn’t the intense but short-lived stormy waves (the joy of a purchase, a party, an unexpected gift). It’s more like the deep, calm current and clear water beneath the surface — a feeling of overall life satisfaction, inner peace, meaning, and harmony. Joy comes and goes in waves — these are wonderful peaks. But the stable background is the satisfaction that your life is generally on the right track, that you have reliable connections, and that you’re engaged in things that matter to you. It’s that deep-seated feeling that «everything is okay,» even when there are waves on the surface.
Imagine this:
Joy (The Peak): You’re eating the most delicious ice cream in the world — cold, sweet, melting in your mouth. You’re laughing with friends at a joke. You receive an unexpected compliment. It’s bright, pleasant, but fleeting.
Satisfaction (The Background): In the evening, you’re sitting in a cozy armchair. Your children (or loved ones) are healthy and sleeping peacefully at home. You feel the warmth and safety of that moment. You reflect on your day and realize you handled an important task, helped someone, or were simply honest with yourself. It’s not a burst of ecstasy, but a deep, quiet feeling of «yes, life is good.» This is the foundational feeling upon which peaks of joy are built.
Myth 2: Happiness depends only on grand events — a wedding, the birth of a child, winning the lottery, a trip around the world.
The Truth: Of course, major positive events cause a powerful surge of emotions! But research (like the famous study on lottery winners) shows something surprising: after about a year, happiness levels typically return to their usual «baseline.» This is called «hedonic adaptation» — we get used to our new status. Our daily well-being depends much more on small, regular «building blocks» of joy and satisfaction. These are the tiny moments that make up the fabric of our lives.
Examples:
The first sip of fragrant morning coffee when you have time to savor it, not just gulp it down on the run.
A sincere «thank you» from a colleague or stranger that you feel as warmth inside.
The satisfaction of checking a task off your to-do list — whether it’s a big project or just «sorting the mail.»
An unexpected ray of sunshine on your face on a cloudy day.
A minute of silence and peace in the bathroom before bed.
The smell of freshly cut grass or rain.
A hug from a loved one «just because.»
The feeling of cleanliness and order after tidying a small corner of your home.
Successfully completing a tiny step toward a big goal.
Important: These micro-moments may seem insignificant, but their power lies in their frequency and our awareness of them. By noticing and fully experiencing them, we constantly «recharge» our happiness system.
Myth 3: Happiness is having what others have (or more!). Money, status, a house, a car, the perfect family on social media.
The Truth (Expanded): Comparison is the most insidious killer of happiness. Especially in the age of social media, where people only display a carefully curated «highlight reel» of their lives — the most successful photos, the brightest moments, the most impressive achievements. We compare our everyday reality (with all its complexities, boredom, and troubles) to someone else’s «best version of themselves.» It’s like comparing a rough draft to a finished painting. The race for others’ ideals, for keeping up with the Joneses or that successful influencer, only leads to envy, feelings of inadequacy, and chronic dissatisfaction. Happiness is deeply personal and unique. What makes your neighbor, colleague, or influencer happy might be completely unimportant or even unpleasant to you.
Example: Imagine two friends:
Anna dreams of a high position in a large corporation, an expensive car, and life in the center of a metropolis. For her, these are symbols of success and happiness.
Maxim feels happy working as a forest ranger in a small village, living in a modest house with a garden where he grows vegetables, and having time to read books and walk his dog.
If Anna starts envying Maxim’s peace and closeness to nature, she’ll be unhappy in her office, even after reaching career heights. If Maxim starts comparing his income and «status» to Anna’s, he’ll stop appreciating his own lifestyle. The key is to understand what is important to you, not to chase after someone else’s trophies.
Myth 4: Happiness is a final destination. «Once I achieve X — then I’ll finally be happy!»
The Truth (Expanded): Imagine you’re driving to your dream vacation. If all you do is think about the destination, cursing the traffic, rain, and fatigue along the way, you’ll miss the beautiful scenery outside the window, interesting conversations with fellow travelers, and a delicious lunch at a roadside cafe. Happiness is not the destination, but the way you travel. It’s not a static state that one day arrives and stays forever. It’s a dynamic skill that can and should be developed every day through simple actions, mindfulness, and choosing your attitude toward what happens. «Someday» may never come, while life is passing by here and now.
Example (Practical): You want to learn English to get a better job and «become happy.» If you hate every lesson, cramming vocabulary, and are afraid to speak, then even reaching an Advanced level won’t make you truly happy — you’ll just breathe a sigh of relief. But if you find pleasure in the process itself — in the joy of understanding a new phrase, in funny English memes, in conversing with an interesting person in the language, even with mistakes — then happiness will accompany you throughout the entire journey, not just at the moment you receive a diploma or a new position.
Why Debunking Myths Is the First Step to Happiness?
If we chase illusions — eternal ecstasy, happiness from things, status through comparison — we are doomed to an endless race and disappointment. Understanding that true happiness is a sustainable sense of well-being born from within through meaning, connection with others, acceptance, and attention to small joys — this is liberating. It shifts the focus from external, often unattainable ideals, to what we can actually control: our actions, our attention, our attitude toward life right now. This is the foundation upon which all other practices are built.
Try This Today (Practice):
In the evening, take a sheet of paper, a nice notebook, or just a note on your phone. Write down 1—2 moments from today when you felt not just fleeting joy, but rather calm, deep satisfaction, or that «everything is okay» feeling.
What to Look For (Concrete Examples):
A sense of completion after clearing a pile on your desk (even just a small corner).
A moment of pleasant silence in the morning when you managed to just sit with a cup of tea.
A feeling of warmth and care when you helped a colleague understand a task (or when someone helped you).
Feeling proud of yourself when you managed to curb your irritation in a difficult conversation.
Satisfaction from making a simple but delicious dinner.
A feeling of security and coziness when you curled up in a blanket during the rain.
A moment when you simply watched a cat play or a child laugh, and felt peace wash over you.
Important: Don’t just list the event («dinner,» «silence»). Describe the sensation. What did you feel in your body? Warmth? Relaxation? Lightness? Where exactly? What was going through your mind? Was there a feeling of «I’m in the right place» or «things are going as they should»? Even if it was very brief.
Why: This practice trains your brain to scan the day not only for problems and stress (which it does by default) but also for these important, nourishing moments of satisfaction. Over time, you will start to notice them more often and appreciate them more.
